-Yesterday I went to a special extra long, extra hard yoga class called "Eye of the Tiger", named, yes, after the song, "Eye of the the Tiger." While attempting to attempt handstand AWAY from the wall, I accidentally did a somersault into backbend, and fortunately did not kill my yoga teacher, who had moved her mat slightly over, not realizing that if she hadn't I would have smooshed her! It was an extroardinarily fearless moment of pushing my boundaries.
-Got 50 minutes of cardio at the gym today (since it's spring break I can work out on monday) and while I was stretching a friendly fellow gym lady said, "nice pidgeon pose!"
-Someone else asked me if I had lost weight??!!! maybe this is for real???
-Finished "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by Barbara Kingsolver... it's about her family moving to a farm and growing almost all their own food for a year. OMG... she describes her trip to Italy and all her meals in the Italian countryside, and I seriously cried. It made me fantasize about moving to Italy and becoming a farmer... just so I can have the most amazing food in the world. (You guys have probably figured out... I *love* good food.)
-A cello friend of mine brought me a slice of key lime pie with cinnamon whipped cream?!!!!! Late at night at school while I was practicing???!!! Just because she was being nice.
I was thinking about this friend... for a while a couple months ago she was extremely withdrawn, and when I'd talk to her, she would get very existential very quickly and it was kind of overwhelming. But she seems to have gone through some sort of metamorphosis... bought herself some awesome new cowboy boots, is going to a Tree House Hostel for spring break, and delivered me this delightful pie! Suddenly I want to spend WAY more time with her now that she doesn't seem to need anyone. I think she is DB'ing and doesn't even know it. This all connects, of course, to Kalni's RADICAL PROGRESS by being a sassy lass and making HERSELF happy!!
Oh... and I made a waxing appointment for tomorrow!!!!
Key lime pie! Yummy! We have a key lime tree! Last winter it had about a trillion blossoms on it, and then we had the coldest snap we've had in the seven years we've been here! So instead of having our largest bunch of key limes yet, we almost lost the tree! Had to cut it way back. It seems to be growing back pretty well, and we have some blossoms now, hopefully enough for a few pies this year, but we'll see!
Now to important stuff! You all keep talking about bra straps, and almost invisible tattoos, and waxing, I can't be held responsible!
Transformer, I like the direction you are headed! I don't know if your H is going to figure it out, but you are doing great!
Just wanted to say that I think you are doing great and you are such an inspiration to me. I know how hard it is to keep on going 'for yourself', without BF watching.... and you have been at this no-contact thing for so long! Good for you!
Cool that you noticed your friend 'DB'. It is so attractive when someone is happy and centered - people are just drawn to them.
I've bought ingredients to make your berry and ricotta muffins, but haven't actually made it to baking them yet! See how you've helped me GAL. Actually its amazing that I'm even considering baking. I had done almost zero housework, and hadn't cooked in 5 months. As you can imagine the house was out of control, and I was getting sick of frozen food or snacks.... A 180 for me, but not a good 180! Anyway I feel like I'm finally turning a corner, and am more back to the real me - who cares about housework and home-cooked meals!
You sounds like you are doing brilliantly as usual. I love the boundary pushing in yoga, and the sound of the key lime pie. Yum!!
So, I haven't posted for a day or so because I've been thinking about your sitch and whether to ask you some questions. I know how much you love it when I get into one of those moods! But we've been DBing together for quite a long time haven't we? And I hope it's OK for me to ask, or at least offer some food or thought... If not, stop reading now!!
So, in the response to Ali, you mentioned giving BF a couple more months of NC so he has more time to reach out to you. I can remember that that was a part of the original plan....that if the time wasn't right after 4 months, it would be extended by another couple of months. And that you are transforming yourself, and making changes to show BF when contact resumes. (And doing an absolutely AMAZING job at that, by the way- I love reading the daily updates, and reading your thoughts on my sitch, so I really hope I'm not making you mad with where this is going).
But I also wonder.....when you first posted, I remember something about how it was instinctive to go dark. I don't know if I am remembering wrong, but pre-bomb, there had been less contact, right? And BF might also be waiting on a reply to the e-mail he sent way back too (?)....
So, what I'm wondering is, what would be the worst thing that would happen if you sent BF a light, friendly e-mail to say hello, and just wondering how you're doing. If he doesn't reply, you know to give him more time, and if he does reply, you are off to a flying start. I know it's scary to think of it, and take the risk on what might happen....I am not suggesting any pursuing behaviours though- just a hello, keeping it simple. It might open a path for BF to start a dialogue with you and see your wonderful changes. You've done brilliantly over the last 4 months of NC, and I am amazed by you every day; you're such an inspiration, and so strong. I just wonder.....4 months is a long time NC. Who knows, BF could be checking his e-mail every day for a message from you...waiting for you to contact him....(?)
Just a thought. I hope you're not mad with me for it- look at me taking a risk and coming out with a different opinion to everyone else (that's what DB has done for me!). I'm only saying it because I really care.
(((T)))
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I actually printed out what you wrote so I could read and digest it! I am definitely going to think this over. You're right, there was almost a month of NC before the second bomb--only 2 contacts between Oct 7th and Oct 30th. So it is actually almost more like five months of NC already. I am going to think over what you said... I have a feeling something might happen this month, but...?? Please always feel free to swim against the tide.... I am here to be hit by your 2 x 4s!!!!
I think part of me is afraid to come out of the dark. It is not just strength, but also fear of what might happen when we start to interact. I know that even if he says the nastiest things possible that still doesn't mean it's all over... according to other DB'ers testimonials who really overcame sitchs that others would have deemed hopeless.
But as long as I stay dark I can stay hopeful and not be part of any drama. Earlier I was thinking, oh! coincidentally, by the beginning of may my semester will be over! How convenient is that! I will not have to deal with any drama while I am in grad school for the next two months, if I stay dark!
Do you think email would be the way to do it? I was planning to send a thoughtful inexpensive no-pressure gift. Or maybe a postcard. Email is kind of in your face, but that way I would know that he got it. I'm not even sure if he's still living at the same apt anymore.
-Had a good rehearsal today with my cello ensemble. I spent yesterday busting my tail to prepare and it paid off!! Even parts that seemed impossible came off well.
-Went and got waxed... and lo and behold, my waxer asked me, "So is your B coming for spring break?" Man, I can't believe how much it HURTS to tell people, even people who are really basically STRANGERS, that we aren't together right now. I think in Waxing College they must learn to always ask about your SO or something. And I had not seen her since Oct or before, the last time I got waxed.
It turns out that the waxing lady is a recent WA. She told me that she went to visit her BF (they were long distance) and he hadn't cleaned his apt for her and she thought, "that's it. I'm so tired of trying to change this person. I'm so tired of trying." I kind of wanted to slap her ("you broke up with your love b/c his house was dirty??!!") but I also thought it was an opportunity to probe the Mind of the Walk-Away. I asked her, "is there anything he could do that would make you think, Wow, I made a terrible mistake leaving him?" And she said, "I could feel those feelings again, I just don't feel them now." Hmmm.... As if having someone pour hot wax on your body and rip off your hair does not make me feel vulnerable enough!!!
-I just made two types of muffins as a hostess gift for my first friend that I'm visiting in SF tomorrow. I am honestly feeling trepidatious about this visit. This is the same friend who said really nasty things about my B and then I didn't talk to her for 2-3 months and then I called her to work on reconciliation. I guess I will try to act "as if" I am expecting it to be wonderful and see how that goes...!! And there are two other friends who I KNOW are excited to see me who I can spend time with also. *Experiment*.
I will probably post again before I blast off, but if you don't hear from me til Tuesday, don't worry, it just means I am GALing in San Francisco!!
It is so lovely for you to visit! Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I know what you mean about going 'for yourself'!!
I am so excited you bought ingredients for the cherry ricotta muffins! Let me know how it works out!!!!! It's weird, sometimes I feel emancipated by frozen food, other times it is more emancipatory to cook for myself. I seem to be going through a major "cooking for myself" phase !!!!
Let me know if you make any special recipes, I would love to partake of them !!
I think part of me is afraid to come out of the dark. It is not just strength, but also fear of what might happen when we start to interact. I know that even if he says the nastiest things possible that still doesn't mean it's all over... according to other DB'ers testimonials who really overcame sitchs that others would have deemed hopeless.
T.....Did BF have a record of being nasty/saying nasty things? I think I can understand the fear part of things- I am scared of asking H anything about the aubergine in case he tells me they're having the best time ever. It would quell some of my hope of reconciliation, and sometimes in the night, I think that is one of the things I am clinging onto. I don't want to let go of it. And if you don't want to, or think there is a risk of losing hope, you shouldn't either.
Originally Posted By: transformer
Do you think email would be the way to do it? I was planning to send a thoughtful inexpensive no-pressure gift. Or maybe a postcard. Email is kind of in your face, but that way I would know that he got it. I'm not even sure if he's still living at the same apt anymore.
Hmmmm.....I think that I would probably go for e-mail myself. Just because for me personally, I know that if I sent a card and wasn't sure whether H had moved or not, I would then spend lots of time worrying whether he'd got it, or if he just couldn;t be bothered replying. I don't interpret e-mail as that in your face....a short one, maybe an e-card? might be as non-pressure and fun as a card in the post. And you'd know it arrived too....I think there's plenty of time to think that through though- no rush at all.....
Love the sound of the hospitality muffins. You'll have to come to London next so I can get some of those
