Sandi's Here in Piecing from Almost WAW

[sandi2]

Hi DomR,

How are you doing? It didn't take long for you to find me....hahahaha.

Okay, I don't know exactly how to answer you questions, but I'll give it a shot.

In the terrible period that you went through, with the online stuff, and wanting attention and an ego-boost... were you unhappy with YOURSELF(and wanting to change yourself)... or were you unhappy with your ENVIRONMENT and companions (so you went to look for new ones)?

To answer that question, I would have to say yes to both. I was unhappy with myself and that is why the ego-boost was so addictive. I was very unhappy with the circumstances in my life and had been for a long time. It is complicated to try to explain without repeating the same things I have stated in past post/threads. So, I won't bore anyone with all of that.

To yourself: because if you call what you went through MLC, then you might think, "well thank goodness that's over! I've had my MLC, i'm done with that!"
However... i dont think that is true for you.
I think you had a plain ordinary reaction to, "My marriage sucks, I want more for myself".

To tell you the truth, I can't remember if some poster suggested it or I read enough to go to the "list" that tells you what a person in MLC is like and it seem to fit me. If you will read my very first post......it all started with having a very hard time facing my birthday that was approaching and I would turn 60. I was so unhappy with myself. I was unhappy that my youth was gone, my looks, etc. I told the story of how I began playing cheap little games that you can by on a CD. Then, I went on-line to play. I didn't even have the nerve to play against another person for a long time, so I just played the against the computer. So, I wasn't "looking" for anyone or anything except an escape from my misery. You know the rest of the story. I got into meeting a friend through playing a game and there was nothing there except a friendship, but it ended b/c he was going through some personal stuff that I won't get into. Then I just started chatting with anyone. You know some play only to find some woman to flirt with. That was something I never did, but it was "daring" for me and I found it exciting. Remember, I had always been the good girl and proper Christian wife and Church worker. This was "sinful"! Then after a period of time I went to the adult site. I wanted whatever excitement I could receive from those men. Anyway, I said I wasn't going to repeat myself and I almost went through the entire thing again. But, maybe someone new will read it and understand my thread better.

To yourself: because if you call what you went through MLC, then you might think, "well thank goodness that's over! I've had my MLC, i'm done with that!"

Well, you made that sound so easy! Not so my friend!

Again, I am not sure how to answer you. I am thankful that I don't have those feelings, the anxiety, and all the other stuff I was going through. Right now, I do believe it is over, and why shouldn't I feel thankful for that? But, I had a lot of help from people here on the board that was telling me what I needed to here. Most of the people in MLC are not the ones that come here for advice.....they go on about whatever it is they are seeking. It is their LBS that usually come to the board. I wanted the "grass is greener" just like all the others in MLC, but this board made me believe it doesn't work that way. I had to listen to the truth about what I was looking for and wanting to do.

Several of the men that wrote to me on the board sounded as though they did not think I was doing anything about my stitch. Well, I feel that I worked very hard to come out of that "state" (whatever title you want to give it) and believe me, it was not easy. A person has to see what it is that is happening to them, accept the truth, then want to get out of it, and work very hard to do it. So, with a lot of prayer from myself and my family, and the therapy of this board.....I feel that I came through it. I have referred to it as a "mini" MLC b/c from what most have experienced it last longer than what mine did. But, I am not really sure when mine started. It's not like you can go back and circle the day on the calendar and say...."yep, that's when I entered MLC". Neither can you circle the date that you left MLC b/c it is a process.

For any newcomers that may read this, I certainly do not want to give the wrong advice, but I would like to give them hope. I certainly don't want to imply it is easy. I did not want to do it in the beginning. I think my early post would verify that.

To others: because if you describe what you went through as MLC, and tell others it was... they might misdiagnose themselves or someone else that way.

Again though, isn't that what you are doing to me? You are diagnosing what YOU think I went through or what was wrong. Everyone has to take from this board what they believe applies to them and add it with their own internal......God given insight......conciousness...whatever you want to call it, to figure it out for yourself (without going to a professional counselor). BTW, I did go to a professional and on the very first visit she told me that I had done nothing wrong! Even in the state that I was in, I knew she would only tell me what I wanted to hear......not what I NEEDED to hear, which was the truth, and the truth was that I was very wrong in what I was doing.

I do not want to mislead or misdirect anyone that comes to the board.

I think you had a plain ordinary reaction to, "My marriage sucks, I want more for myself".

DomR, sweetie, I have lived with that reality for a long time, but I did not act out the things that I did until I went nuts (lol) and nobody knew who I was any longer. I was not Sandi and my family was thrown for a loop. I knew for years my M sucked, but I never looked at another man......and didn't want one. And, one of the main things, Dom, I simply did not want to be around my family. I ignored my grandchildren, my children....all of them. So, yeah, I think I was pretty self-centered! When a person has beautiful grandchildren and she prefers to contact the OM and be on-line with him rather than take time to be with her family.....something is very wrong. I have a two grown children that are disabled b/c of a disease and yet, I did not want to call them or be around them. All I could think about was what Sandi wanted. I wanted to run away and be alone to do all my sinful things. I wanted to be able to do what people thirty years younger than me does. That sounds like MLC to me.

As far as being on guard that it could happen again.......I certainly am! I now know what can become a snare and it can suck you into deeper things before you realize it. The thing with me was that I knew I was walking a dangerous tightrope, but at that time, I was driven by what Sandi wanted more than what was right & wrong, more than considering my H and my M, more than my own family.

I am still fragile and I realize that, Dom. That is why I have to still work at getting stronger. But for a lot of my "stuff", I had to "accept" myself and where I was in life. I was a grandmother about to turn 60. I was not a model! I was not a sex kitten. My youth was gone and I just had to make the most of my looks that were left (lol). To leave what I have here to go to the "grass that was greener" is crazy.

So to DomR and Forrest and any of my other friends that feel that I have not done anything this past year.......please believe me when I say that I feel that I have gone through something very painful and scary, but now I feel peace. Now I will start to work on other things, but I had to get Sandi right with herself first. That was work!

I do feel comfortable enough in my M to go to Piecing.

Sandi