Tree:

Our situations sound very similar, so all I can do is echo what Z and others have said. It's hard; I've heard similar things you have. But Z and others are correct. You and I cannot fix them. One of the lessons, I believe, to learn from this hell is to learn what we can and cannot control in life. We have far less control over things than we want, and less than we believed we had.

You are doing great. No one can predict what will happen with your marriage, but you are moving in the right direction for you. And that is a good DB principle. Keep up the good work, one day at a time. Try not to beat yourself up over the past, and any backslides you have in the present. We all have made mistakes, and will make more in the future. Empathize with her, but from a distance, and give yourself some empathy too. You've earned it.