Trying to be a duck....... Came to the conclusion that to H, what happened today is a non-event. He probably forgot about it 5 min after it happened. It is still an issue for me b/c part of the "new" R we will have to have includes him treating me with more respect than he did in the phone call. But I suppose I won't address that unless he decides for sure he wants to stay in the M.
I went to town. Specifically called the pregnancy crisis center at 1 to see how late they were open. They said 4. I said I was brining a bunch of clothes. They said "Yay". Showed up at 3:10 and it was locked up....think I passed the lady in charge pulling out as I drove up....
Went to Dairy Queen instead. Got a Blizzard w/cheesecake in it which I only do about 4 times a year...Yummy but even with a small by the time you eat it all you are disgusted with yourself and uncomfortably full.........But Yummy anyway
So as I was typing a few minutes ago, the phone rang. By the time of day (after work) I figured it was H. It was. He talked to S5 and then S5 brought me the phone. I gave it to D22months and she said Hi. Then I got back on.
He just wanted to tell me he wasn't coming down tonight b/c the people buying the truck didn't get their check from the credit union today. He will come down tomorrow. I pointed out that the kids and I would be at church tomorrow so we would miss his visit. He said it was ok b/c he wouldn't get here until 8 p.m. and would have to drive back right away so he could get up again for work the next day. So I won't see him until the weekend which is just fine with me. I think we need a little space...
Actually after he told me about not coming tonight and the plan to come tomorrow, I asked him if he was feeling overwhelmed. Didn't ask it in a nosy or demanding way. I can't remember exactly what I said but it was something like "You sounded pretty stressed out today (laugh by me). Bet you have a pretty high learning curve coming in and being the boss from day 1". He said yeah that was pretty much how it was going, a lot to do and not a lot of time to get acclimated. I said I figured it was something like that. This is about as close as we ever get to an apology/moving on from an argument.
Then he said "Okay, I will talk to you later". So I said ok and hung up. Don't know if he means later tonight, or later, another day. Not going to worry about it. Was thinking about having the kids call and tell him good night tonight but since they just talked to him I think I will skip that idea.
So things are back to neutral I think. Not a lot of forward momentum but no real setback either, even though I thought so earlier today. Just need to keep taking things one day at a time. I just wish we could keep having our MC appointments bc that is usually when I get to sneak a glimpse inside his head.......
Oh well. Back to work. Kiddos are hungry for supper. Will check in later tonight...
FYI, it was only 40 here today but I still got ice cream b/c there are no Starbucks in our town (3000 people). I would have had to drive an extra 20 minutes into the north side of Kansas City and I wasn't in the mood.
Kids and I had a pretty good night over all. Watched Transformers again while I cooked dinner. Gave D her tubby, she loves it when she gets a tubby. She has super dry skin so only gets one every two days...
Finalized the long-term sub job tonight. I start Monday and go until the end of May. Which means now I will probably get the other job in Iowa and they will want me in April. Hate to burn bridges........but since I don't know on the Iowa job yet I am taking the offer I get here for now.
Hoping to go to bed by 11 instead of being up until 2:30 again since I have to teach a class of kindergarteners tomorrow. But after I put S to bed (D is already there) I will sneak back on here I am sure...
I also need to not stay up too late as I have to be up @ 5. Which is better than the last two days when I got up @4. Tomorrow is the practical test day for me to allow me to keep flying for another 6 months. I tend to do well on checkride day and don't think tomorrow will be any different. But I still should get some sleep if I can break away from here and read myself to sleep or something.
It is never too cold for ice cream! I did have a Starbucks treat tonight though! I wish I had you to sub in my building BobbiJo. We have a lot of teachers attend inservices this week and a lot of our subs barely have a heartbeat.
My H will ask me about things too and think I know what the heck he is talking about. Remember when H treats you poorly it isn't a direct reflection of you. I know I have a hard time remembering that.
My improved attitude is shot to He**!! Actually I am not crying at all. I am thinking. Trying to decide what to do. Doing nothing doesn't feel like an option.
So my H's cell phone bill went to $300 last month. Our BIL runs the accounts, he has us on a family plan, H and I, him and SIL, and MIL. We split the minutes. But H gets the most b/c he uses the most, then we pay the overages.
BIL sent me a message today that H is headed toward $300 again this month. So he suggested we get our own "family plan" which is $99/month for unlimited calling. Then he said it would depend on what H wanted to do as he heard from SIL that H is getting a phone from work (he hasn't told me that...)
Anyway I replied back that we hadn't ever been able to change our package before since the account was in his (BIL) name. So he generously e-mailed me the account username and password an hour ago so we could access the account online....
pausing for you to jump to the right bad conclusion
So of course against better judgment I immediately looked up H's number for the last month (Jan 7-Feb 7). OW's number is all over in there. Several text messages a day, going both directions. And once a picture (i hate to imagine). Also several outgoing calls. On Feb. 3 there were 5 calls in a span of 1 hour. On Feb. 7 there were 6 calls in a span of 90 minutes.
WTF?
H told me he ENDED it with OW on New Years'. I knew she had been hassling him b/c he said so, but I had no idea he was calling her, too. At least,not on an every-few days basis. But maybe he was trying to calm her down?? I have no idea. The thing is, the bill stops Feb. 7. Feb. 8 is when he told the counselor he had changed his mind and wanted to work on the marriage.... So maybe all the calls the night before were him trying to get through to her that is was over?? Maybe the communication is out of guilt for ending it, not that he is continuing it??
But Feb 1 he called me at 4 to say he was getting a beer. He was home at 7. I was so pleased he came home early I wrote about it on here. Well, he called her that day at 3:49 and again at 6:54. So I am thinking he called her to set up the "beer date" and then called her again on his way home from it?? I know I am thinking too much.
The thing is, if he is working on himself right now, I told him I would be patient and supportive beyond my usual capabilities. And I feel like I really have. And he has been acting nicer, too, in response. Except the jerky behavior today...
Anyway, I do NOT want to patiently wait for him to get himself straightened out if in the mean time he is talking with OW every day. I know he is in Iowa now AND sleeping at his parents', so it isn't like they can be together physically. But I don't want us to reconcile in May, move into a house together, and all the while he is talking to OW. Even if it were ONLY talking, I can't have her in our lives, PERIOD.
But I know H. He was so angry when I read the TMs on his "secret phone" in December. He would be livid if he knew that I looked up his phone records...and besides now that he is getting a work phone I will never know who he is calling. I know, I shouldn't check up on him any way. If I confront him about still talking to OW, I am sure I will wind up pushing him away. If I just keep on keepin' on, I will possibly drive myself crazy wondering if he is still talking to HER. And if I just go DARK DARK DARK, like the "After the Last Resort" where H's don't give up OW's, but I don't tell him why, he will be like "WTF??"
It just sucks b/c he has been so busy on the house, spending his free time working on it, or w/me and the kids, that I have been so confident he isn't seeing her anymore that I have been relaxed around H. But now I am thinking that every trip to town for plumbing tape involved a 15 minute convo. w/OW. Grr...
So
WHAT DO I DO??
Hit me w/ 2x 4s if you want, but don't tell me to do NOTHING.
the only thing that you should be doing is getting ready for your workday tomorrow to teach the little ones! ANd maybe before you go to bed set up a thing or two that you would like to do for you tomorrow after work.
You need to butt out of H's life for the moment and engage your own. Another thing I would suggest for future is to try and post on here before you take an inapproptiate action like looking at H's phone bill. Give us a chance to set you straight before you get your mind and imagination all worked up over what might be nothing at all.
Pray and get some sleep. I think I will follow my own advice.
So H called while I was in the middle of posting. He wanted to tell me that they had a baby calf at work today (he sells meat and they have a feedlot). Work was going to get rid of the baby so H took it home w/him. Now he has to bottle feed the calf for a week or two. He said he may have made an error in judgement!
Well, he called acting very friendly so of course I f'ed it up as usual. I mentioned BIL's comment re. phone bill. Asked H if there was any reason it was $300 2 months in a row....he got defensive and said he'd been calling Canada to hook up with the guy to get this new job. Also that being off work for 2 weeks he was on the phone all the time w/his dad, me, friends at work, etc during daytime hours....I said well that makes sense. (Trying to be patient and supportive again!)
He got grumpy and said he would just start using his work phone once he got it and quit the BIL plan. I told him I wasn't mad about the bills. He said yeah right. I said, no, it was just that BIL had called me and e-mailed me 3 times, even sending me the account info, trying to get an answer from you (H) on what you wanted to do. (I figured the subtle hint about BIL sending me the account info might get him thinking)
Anyway after he said he'd get his own phone I moved on. Asked his plans for the weekend. Said he'd be coming down over the weekends for the next two months. I said what about Easter? He said I just told you what I am doing. I said then would you like me to keep the kids here and we can go to church and do Easter baskets together? He said that sounds great.....
I started to say something and trailed off, he asked me what I wanted to say. SO I just said, "You told MC at one point that you looked at the move as a separation. Is it a logistical separation or a real one? When you come down on the weekends I know it is for house work but should I be here too? Is it also family time? And do you want me to call you/talk to you during this time, or do you just want to have your own space and work on your stuff?"
THIS was kind of dumb in retrospect b/c he had called ME so obviously he didn't want that much space....two calls in two nights after the kids went to sleep.
Anyway he said he figured we'd continue like we had been. I specified, "Sleeping together (not literally, just logistically), doing things together, spending family time together?" I said I just wanted to make sure I was giving him what he wanted during his time away. He said all of that would be good, and that as soon as he could he would find a C to start going to so he could work on him. I said, Okay, then we aren't "Separated Separated", good to know. He said Okay. Then I asked a couple questions about the calf to change the subject, and wished him goodnight. Told him he could call me tomorrow afternoon if he wanted but I was teaching during the day...he said ok. THen I said goodnight and so did he....
I am thinking that I will just drop the OW phone call thing (2x4 me if that is the wrong idea). If he is going to go to a counselor to work on his stuff, no counselor I can think of would encourage him to talk to OW. Besides, the more he gets his head on straight the less I think he'll want to talk to her. If he is even still talking to her... Besides, he has said now tonight that he is coming here every weekend to work on the house AND see us, that he is going to get help for himself, that he wants to spend Easter with us, etc.And he has called me 2 nights in a row just to talk to me. So I guess I continue DB-ing?? As far as I know he has had a true change of heart (at least in baby-step terms) and is really trying to get to a place where we can be a full-on family again. I don't need to go looking for reasons to screw that up, do I?
Or am I being naive given the phone records I read??
Either way, I felt bad that I semi-derailed what could have been a very nice night-time convo. with H. So I sent him a TM a few minutes ago. Just said "Good night. Have fun feeding the baby! Let me know if you want a wake-up call". (He is going in at 4 tomorrow to meet the scheduler.)
Going to bed soon, just got to fold a load of laundry first. Hoping for a better night of sleep than last night...........
