The Longest Journey

[SDFoundGirl]

Jeff & Julie~thanks for checking in. I owe both of you a debt of gratitude for your support and wisdom!

Well crap. MC again tonight. I have decided I am doomed to a life of MC bi-weekly, talking in circles and forever being frustrated. We will talk about stuff, agree on stuff, and then go to our real lives where it's as if we never had a convo in MC about things we're going to work on/try.

I want more than getting along. That's good, but I get along with my grocer and my hairdresser as well. I want intimacy, I want my H to take responsibility for his feelings and happiness, and I want him to take responsibility for working on this M too. I feel...cheated. Distrustful. Because kids, I have been a raging b*tch all week (some of it H related b/c of no follow through from MC, some of it not), and H hasn't called me on anything. I think in some ways I did it on purpose to see what would happen...if there would be any change from before when he just held onto it until it met the whore and decided it was all over between us. H did nothing different from before...not a darn thing. Kissed my butt. Accepted my cranky moods. And do you know what? That just made me angrier.

And I know I need to accept responsibility for myself...and I am going to do just that, but even when I am wonderful and good, I am going to do things that piss him off and I am most definitely going to screw up. If he doesn't step up and change his patterns, then it's just a matter of time before he meets his next person who makes him feel good and decides I am, once again, a piece of poo. Which I'm not; I am human, and a hella lot more conscious than before.

So how do I ever let go and really pursue intimacy with someone who is so guarded they won't set boundaries or ask for what they want and need? When I have changed and H has not...tell me, what keeps this from happening again? NADA. And that's my problem.

I can't...won't...shoulder the responsibility for this M alone. H is too afraid to voice his feelings until it crushes him...and the last time took 10 years. I want more from my life...and time is ticking on my ability to have children, and that weighs on me as well.

Any words of wisdom? Because I just want to cry a lot...run away a lot...let go and just do my thing and let H figure out what it's like to be on that end of things like we all were. And I'm plain old tired.

Don't know what I'll say in MC tonight. I feel like it's just a waste of $$ at this point....

SD