Kalni - I think you are way more advanced than I am at "getting it". You're definitely quicker. But, I am gaining! I don't know if I've ever really been in touch with my inner self - not sure I even really wanted to be - but I have wanted "more" from life. I couldn't articulate it very well, and I think that it is actually something that came between H and me b/c it made him feel that I was saying he wasn't adequate as a husband. This is a big over-simplification of that part of our history, but I am slowly learning what "more" is and how to find it.
Jbly - I am glad that you are making progress. I think anyone going through the actual or potential loss of an important relationship feels lost to begin with. That feeling lasts longer for some than for others. For me, that is part of my challenge - to not feel lost because I am here in the present and that is where I am supposed to be. Sounds kind of hippy-dippy, doesn't it?!
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
Seek, I was thinking about what you said. We do feel so lost at times. Like in the relationship I am in now, I have learned so much about my self and I have her to thank. Many of us focus on our partners or rely on them to the point that when there is that disconnect its harder than normal. I suppose that for some that type of connection is needed, although possibly unhealthy. So often after a bitter divorce of sorts you enevidably hear someone say they will never put complete trust in someone or they will never rely on someone that much again. After my marriage fell apart a few years ago I really had a problem with the fear of the unknown, loneliness and such, you just feel so low and unwanted. I unlike the lady I am seeing now chose not to seek counceling. I see now that was a huge mistake on my part and because I have recently gone I am starting to see things much better. For me, I kinda lost my way during the marriage, forgot who I was, and my view of myself was not good. Our views are so affected by our partners and our daily lives. I would like to think a healthy relationship keeps that view in check. Showing genuine interest in someone, and keeping good communication going. My X-wife is a very bitter person and generally I kept to myself just to avoid her so there was no communication. She was not receptive anyway. Now the lady that I am seeing now is just a blast and very strong with a soft heart and quick wit. She keeps me on my toes and I love the fact that she has the guts to address tough issues instead of keeping them to herself.
Haven't had internet access at home - so grabbing a bit of time at work to check in.
I've been in the doldrums. I just don't seem able to pull myself out. I totally get the concept that what you put out to the world is what you get back, but I just can't get myself into a more positive frame of mind. For one thing, the weather here is rotten and my GAL is stalled. I am just plain sad much of the time. Every once in a while, I will get a little spark in me of acceptance and perspective, but it goes away quickly. I wonder how it can be that I am in love with, still miss, and want back someone who treats me this way. Do I really think so little of myself? Am I weak? Or, is this commitment actually a sign of strength in me that I should be glad of?
I haven't spoken with H in 11 days. I left him vm almost one full week ago and got no response.
Eve - I think it kind of shook me up when I saw your news. It made me wonder when I am going to find out that my own H is lying. I thought I was being loving and validating to offer him our full tax refund so that he could have a good vacation. Today, I looked at his credit card statements on-line (snooping, yes, but I am sick of not knowing anything) and I saw that on 2/1 he paid for a cruise. (This was before he knew he would have that money.) He never mentioned it. Today, I saw from ATM records that he is in Florida. I think he might have just arrived there today, but it's weird because I see no gas or motel charges and he was going to drive down - which takes at least two days. Maybe he has a second credit card, I don't know. In some ways, whether there is OW or not is not really the issue, just another symptom. But those lies/that betrayal on top of everything else adds insult to injury and, to me, would take something really important away from the M that I am trying so hard to save. I don't know what I would do with that news.
I am just not detached, yet, and I long to be.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
ok - so I went and glanced at some of the success stories posted in the newcomers forum. Lot's of stuff there - but just from skimming a couple, I am reminded that many people find themselves in this for way more than a year before things start to come back together. One quote that is an obvious DB theme when you read the advice of those who've been there, done that:
"my detachment came only after I knew and practiced that I would be o.k. regardless of what happened with our marriage"
This is the place I am trying to reach - I guess I'll just have to keep trying to move forward and quit looking over my shoulder. There don't appear to be any shortcuts - just wish I knew if I am making any progress or just running in place.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
LOL, shortcuts, Oh my, I have made so many mistakes with my attempts at reconciliation. Imagine being really close to someone and knowing that the person you are with is you life! and in your eyes your only future because you love them so much. Then one day you do something or allow something to happen that hurts the relationship to the point that its holding on by a thread. You keep seeing images in your head of a future where you are painfully alone and you look to the past where you weren't and you feel so bad and wonder how you will go on not so much because "you" can't but don't want to without your soul mate. This person you want more than anything in the world to have close because thats where you normally were now finds you to close, needs space but you don't know how far to step back to give it to them. You don't know what to do, emotions are high, advice from friends and family almost seems meaningless since you are still fixated on the what you have lost. I felt these feelings when my wife left me and by not dealing with them correctly I caused other problems by not seeking help. Depression is powerful and so many things contribute. I recently started seeing the counselor because I was dealing with those feelings again and I didn't know why. I now know where they came from, what caused them and what will keep them from being a problem in the future. I am still not happy with my past actions or my life but know that with the help of a counselor I am able to make corrections for my life which will also have a positive affect for those around me. I honestly believe that even with what I have learned from counseling, lots or reading and studying that my x wife would have still left because its what she wanted to do. There was nothing that I could have done to help the situation. I am not happy about the marriage breakup but very happy with the lady that I did meet through all of this. She as well has had similar problems in her life and I have learned from her. This is the long winded version of me seeing that something was wrong but I was unable to actually address it and sought the help of a counselor who helped change my perspective. Seek, I hope you find peace, I would also suggest not looking at his personal info. Looking only causes more problems and just raises that level of anxiety even higher. Seek, it gets better.
seek, I'm here for support for you, but unable to post anything positive at this time that would help, i'm far to cynical atm.
I understand where your at and am so pleased that my friend's post on my thread helped you. I was questioning myself and hated myself b/c i still want h back after all he has done, just like you. We are strong women, many would have floundered before now. It is only through this sight that i have the strength to be where i am today when my gut is to kill, shout, be enraged etc etc.
Holly on my thread said i have 18 mths/2 yrs ahead of me of this. Her H returned after that time, maybe by then we may have moved on, maybe not.
Keep strong, focus on you. Maybe a friendly, light text to H to see how he's doing and if he's well. He has responded well in the past to your txts.
x evie
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
I'm noticing that I am increasingly down, anxious, sad. I'm finding it difficult again to concentrate. Realizing that this probably has a lot to do with my recent focus on what H is up to - where is he, what is he spending money on, why did he need $3000 from his credit account, why doesn't he check-in with me occasionally or tell me when he is off on vacation, is he lying in fact or by omission, etc. Duh - he is not engaging me at all and still I am obsessed by what is or is not going on with him. I am as controlled by his absence as I would be if he were in the home throwing all of this in my face. I can't be ok with me while I am fixated on him. Easier to say than act upon, but I do know that the best thing is to focus on me. . . .
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
You are exactly right, the fixation on him will hurt you. He is a symbol of the hurt and problem. Try to avoid watching his movements and actions and do something for yourself. I found it so hard to try to do something else, by myself, but after I tried it got easier.
- he is not engaging me at all and still I am obsessed by what is or is not going on with him. I am as controlled by his absence as I would be if he were in the home throwing all of this in my face. I can't be ok with me while I am fixated on him. Easier to say than act upon, but I do know that the best thing is to focus on me. . . .