H48 W42 S14 S12 Married 16 Together 18 D bomb 01/07/08 PA discovered 02/04/08
Hi I previously posted in Newcomers. W is clearly going through MLC. W's OM is in a different country. They are carrying on an EA (was a PA) through the telephone and email.
She has told me she has asked him not to contact her for a month he obviously says he cannot do that. They are both clearly addicted to the A.
I believe she cannot move forward until the A is over, I believe she knows long term she could not trust the OM who is 11 years younger, already showing jealousy and control, and from a completely different culture.
The advice I have read in Surviving An Affair etc is that my W must go cold turkey, she is quite clearly not willing or able to do this.
Is it likely the EA will end on its own or will she carry on like this for years? What can I do?
I think you need figure out what he is "providing" for your wife and try to fill that place. You have a big advantage being local. If it's email messages, building up her ego, listening and validating... whatever.... just try to fill that place and do it better.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
The problem is that the OM is the first person in her life (about 8 previous sexual partners before me) to press all the right buttons during their PA. I am not an expert by any means in MLC but I believe in her MLC she is letting go of some of the guilt her very controlling father passed on to her in her youth.
Is it possible she is relaxing and enjoying sex for the first time? She is in love or lust with this man and although we are under the same roof I am not allowed near her. Very hard to compete, if I knew what the attraction was I would certainly try. I am certainly listening and validating but it is early days she has known OM three months and I found out about it one month ago.
While your wife is in this addicted state, she won't be able to respond very much (if at all) to your efforts at meeting her emotional needs, even if you were to "do them better" than the OM.
Your instincts are correct -- she needs to go "cold turkey" and agree to work on your marriage with you, free from the contact of the OM, so she can come down off that brain-chemical high and the two of you can work at your issues.
Is it likely the EA will end on its own or will she carry on like this for years? What can I do?
From what I've read, typical lifespan of an affair is about 6 months. You probably cannot force her to quit the affair cold turkey, unless she wants to. I think it's most effective (and long-lasting) when it's their choice.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, it really is an addiction. They are "in love" but have most likely lost the true meaning of love. Their endorphins kick in everytime they speak and they believe they have finally found their soulmate.
My Wife's "soulmate" left 3 times - this last time for good we hope.
There really isn't much you can do right now, which sucks, except take care of yourself, live for yourself and your kids. You don't have to exclude your wife (you're still living together, right?) but don't make the plans contingent on her participation.
Listen to what your wife says to you about why things went south - it took months for my wife to finally say some truly meaningful things (at first it was my lack of help around the house, the fact that was never around for the kids and a few other completely nonsensical issues - she finally got around to telling me that she felt controlled, she didn't feel sexy, she felt that I had lost my sense of excitement, etc.) Whenever your wife points out one of your "faults", examine it and honestly assess whether or not there is any meat to it. If there is, do something about it. This will not necessarily get her to end the EA but if/when the EA does end, who do you want your wife to see when she looks back at you?
Best of luck and hang in there.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
Thanks for the great replies everyone. W admits she has tried to get herself to end the affair but either can't send that text/email and go cold turkey or gets sucked back in by OM.
She is having a text-book MLC so I don't enter into her thinking as I am the cause of all her problems.
The struggle is between OM and our children who still are in total ignorance of what is going on.
It is clear I have not met her emotional needs through ignorance, of course now I know better all I need is a chance..........
