THANK YOU. I got your book yesterday and read it almost through without stopping. Only have a few chapters to go. I found it incredibly insightful. I am dumbfounded at your uncanny ability to understand what is really happening in relationships and break it down into pieces that are digestable. I kept catching myself saying out loud, “Yes! That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking!”. Are you sure you didn’t trade your soul for mind-reading ability?
Perhaps more than anything it was a validation, a confirmation of what I have felt and believed. It made me realize that I am not a sexual deviant or bad person because I want to have an active sex life. I actually believe now that I am not really a high libido person, rather a medium high if you base it on straight physical need. I think that if you add the need for intimacy (not just an orgasm) to the formula then the results show me as an extremely high libido. This is the distinction that many of us here on the site have been describing.
This is the first book I’ve read that is real (I’ve read quite a few sex/relationship help books). It strikes at the heart of issues and describes them frankly and honestly. Finally, a woman that publicly admits that sex is a good thing! I’m going to employ a reversal technique (do the opposite of what isn’t working) of doing FEWER gestures of romance and pretend that I don’t really want sex (in other words bite my tongue until it bleeds) while still being civil. I’m still utterly puzzled that the fact that I am trying to improve our relationship is, according to what my wife has told me, the problem.
I don’t know how many days that I planned something special (flowers, dinner, weekend away...whatever) for my wife that never led to a special response. She enjoys the favor but doesn’t necessarily reciprocate. That makes me feel like I’m being used. It’s not that I plan those events (well, not always) with the goal of getting laid in mind but rather doing sweet or romantic things for her benefit gives me a huge turn-on. Even doing non-romantic favors for her (out of genuine kindness) turns me on big time. I can’t get away from this! I’d just like for a accumulation of kindnesses to add up to a wife that loves me with a passion that is similar to the one I still carry for her. It’s crazy, I actually get the lovey-dovey butterflies when I’ m going to see her after being away for a few days on business. She just accepts the loss of passion in a relationship as the natural progression and says I’m a fluke with such a high off-the-charts libido that our marriage can’t be measured against my stick (no pun, well some pun intended). While I know that most relationships deal with sex problems I can’t believe it is natural. Actually it is unnatural. In fact, I think that it is one of the biggest untalked about factors contributing to the demise of the modern family. I’d like to campaign to have Viagra added to the city water like fluoride. What do you think?
Here’s a question for you: If being kind and generous isn’t working then is being a bit more stormy tempered the answer? Is it possible that starting a relationship being nice and kind is actually a mistake? I see the husbands that have started out in the marriage pretty rough; they cause a lot of pain and frustration for their wives for a while, then make a few upgrades and the wife is ecstatic that she’s getting positive changes in the relationship. Could it be that starting rough gives the woman (or a low libido guy) something to smooth out? Perhaps we nice guys made a mistake by starting with the bar way too high for us to keep up with, therefore the expectations for change from the low libber’s viewpoint are farther out of reach.
Let me see if I can effectively illustrate what I’m trying to get at: Let’s say there’s this new husband and he’s a bit of a lazy bastard, never even remember’s their anniversary or her birthday, calls her “fat bitch” and has gained a big old whopping beer gut in the couple years that they’ve been married. His wife is aching for him to change his ways. She approaches him with her issues. He acts like a lightbulb has gone off and starts working out, brings her flowers occasionally, and gives her a romantic dinner on her birthday. The bar for measuring the difference between his previous character and the change was very low. This is why I think Sooner and FredD are having a tough time like me. We started out too “sensitive guy” now there’s not enough room to go up. Frustration is using up our “nice guy” abilities and we’re getting edgy. Bringing her flowers has less of an impact than it does for Ol’ Fat Bastard. When he brings flowers she thinks there’s been a miracle and is happier than hell. Can this be right? I know a lot of us are still bewildered and struggling to stay afloat.
I appreciate your compliments and encouragement. I will continue to hang on, although, to be honest with you, there are plenty of days when I believe that the sailing would be smoother with a woman that doesn’t have her expectations so painfully high that I can’t even see them.
