Im glad W is happy about her new found employnent and that she is more thoughtful about you.
I have also noticed that your profile doesn't have sleeps elsewhere on it. Im so glad to see that it is missing. Now you just have to figure out what to do about the sleeping pattern that you both have. Can there be some sort of discussion and compomise. What is different between then and now?
Your patience continues to amaze me along with your skills on working with solutions.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, and Down, Thanks for the encouragement and affirmation.
My W has been asking me to sleep with her when she get her bouts of insomnia. Her mind races, so my presence has a calming effect. I'm able to do this until she falls asleep, and then go back to my room.
She had me sign us up for rumba, cha cha and samba lessons at my studio. I was initially resistant ("we can't afford it") since I'm already taking one class, but decided now that she's working, to not fight it. I'm ready to branch-out from the salsa anyway, and work well with my teacher. I also recognize that I should be encouraging activities that promote connection. I was going to return to my writer's group, but that's OK. This is more important for now.
She was upset with me after the salsa club dance on Saturday, stating that I don't give her enough compliments about her appearance and dancing, and am not appreciative enough of her feedback in helping me.
I danced with her three times that evening, and spent a lot of time dancing with my classmates. I've reached a point where I've developed a network of lady dancers, and am no longer primarily dependent on my W for the evening. It seems like that she is now trying to reconnect with me. It's hard to read her mind. She doesn't articulate vulnerable feellings well, so it's easy to miss her message.
She asked me today if it's hard living with her. I told her that any relationship is inherently difficult. She seemed to like that answer. She said the answer reflected someone who is no longer naive about relationships.
I'm keeping an eye on her to help her keep some boundaries in her life. She has a blind spot about this. I advised her that if she accepts a fulltime job, she will need to scale back the cooking job so that she is not working six days a week.
Her coughing is where I struggle with emotional reactivity. The mindfullness breathing exercises are helping me to practice staying with difficult emotions. In the past I would be distressed about her coughing, and act-out by withdrawing, or being passive-aggressive.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 02/25/0810:57 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, you continue to amaze me with your wisdom and patience. It's too bad you have to put your writer's group on hold. I hope you are still taking time for your writing since it seems like that is an enjoyable outlet for you.
Matilda, I think working part-time is a good fit for my W. She tends to take a job and expand it with her standards, rather than relaxing into it. Working PT gives her room to expand, until she settles into it.
The only conflict we had recently was an incident where she had been grooming herself and asked me to feel her face. I went to do so, using the back of my hand (possibly a defensive gesture, in retrospect), and she reacted in anger, saying that was rude to do so. I told her no harm was intended, but she was too reactive to hear me. I suppose it's a positive sign that she asked me.
We went dancing together on Friday, and had a wonderful time.
She seems more rested lately, and not as irritable. There is still some insomnia, but mixed with nights of good sleep.
There was one isolated episode of sleeping elsewhere behavior recently.
I'm enjoying the recent tranquility since she's been working part-time, so am reluctant to confront any unresolved issues--physical intimacy. My sense is it's still too early to address this issue anyway. If she reacted so strongly to a perceived sleight, it is unlikely she could handle anything more intimate. I would have a difficult time relaxing around her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
There do seem to be more positives than negatives lately, CL. You'll figure out the physical intimacy part at your own rate. Maybe the vacation will be just the right time and place to face that fear!
It sounds like W is really starting to work out her issues and thus feeling more relaxed. It does sound to me like she is very much trying to reconnect with you. I can also understand you being a bit reluctant to totally open yourself to her IMO.
Sounds great though.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
CL, I think that the less stress your W has in her life, the happier she will be. It sounds like she doesn't handle taking on too much responsibility too well. And I can understand that. When I get overwhelmed, I get angry and down. It's like too much is going on in my head and I don't know which way is up.
I, too, recently went part time. I used to work full time (because I had to -- or thought I did). Then I got laid off, which ended up being great for me. My company ended up hiring me back after about 6 months. But during that 6 months, I gathered myself and figured out what I needed to be at peace. And NOT working full time was one of those things. At the time, I was potentially headed for a D, but told myself I'd find a way to work part time and make ends meet.
My company ended up hiring me back part time. This has made a dramatic difference in my life. I am so much happier with my general lifestyle, which permiates to other areas of my life. Sure, I still get overwhelmed but the kids, and work, and life in general. But at least I have some balance now.
My point in turning this post onto my sitch, is that I can understand to some degree how your W gets into a bad place. So, I think it's a matter of adjusting your/her lifestyle to better meet her emotional well being (while ensuring your emotinoal well being is in tact).
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
PS, Matilda, and Jak, I've been reading Faith:Trusting Your Deepest Experience by Sharon Salzberg. She writes Buddhist self-help books.
She defines faith as "giving something or someone your heart." She also talks about bright faith as putting faith into action.
At this point I would say I have faith in the process of creative writing, and faith in the process of learning dance skills, that these skills will improve the quality of my life. I have faith in the Piecing Community and in the people who take time to read my posts and offer their compassion and advice. I have faith in the wisdom of the Buddhist religion, and in the practice of mindfullness exercises to cultivate a happy mind. I consider bright faith and GAL to be similar.
I have a feeling my W has faith in me. She keeps talking about me as being the "marrying type"--someone who sticks with a M no matter the difficulties. Even with our intimacy problems and domestic conflicts, I think she still has her heart in me.
My W and I agree that a four day work week is probably her limit at this time.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 03/10/0810:13 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
