Yesterday had its ups and downs. Several ups and actually only one down, but it was a big one, and it's always been H's #1 complaint. I've got to get a handle on it, and it's really tough.

Almost immediately after receiving my mom's e-mail which left me irritated, H called for the 3rd time that morning and when I answered my cell, instead of greeting him with a pleasant hello, I let out a rather annoyed, "Yes?" He said hello? I said hi, what's up? H said are you ok? I said no, I've got another issue going on with my mom, and I was in a hurry to get out the door and go to the courthouse. H said if it would help, he'd take S3 with him until I was done with that. I said no that's alright since H was just coming off his graveyard shift and should really get some sleep. Then I asked him what he needed. He said he wanted to go see someone about getting our taxes done and wanted to know if I could get all of our documents in order. He was about 10 minutes away from the house and wanted to swing by to pick them up. I gave him another annoyed response and said alright. He said, "Ok well is two minutes of your time too much to ask for?" I snapped no it's not. I said I was getting ready to leave and if I wasn't here when he got here, the papers would be under the doormat. He said bye then hung up.

Instantly, I felt like cr*p. I took the frustration I had towards my mother out on H with my attitude. It was never my intention, but the phone call came right after the e-mail, and the tense emotions were very raw. Anyway, I told myself that I needed to get it together. Once I was calm and at peace again, which would've taken me about 5 - 10 minutes, I would call H to apologize for the way I behaved towards him. It wasn't his fault.

I was gathering my things and grabbing a few snacks for S3 when H showed up; he was much closer than he estimated. Right off the bat, he comes at me with, "You need to understand something. If this is going to work at all, you need to control this sh*t and f*cking be nice to me. Did I deserve to be talked to that way? And I'm sorry if your time is too precious to waste on helping me out." S3 walked up to us, and H began playing with him, so I walked away to finish putting things together.

About 5 minutes later, we headed outside and were both getting ready to leave while continuing to somewhat argue about the issue at hand. Trying not to let things escalate in front of S3. H basically wants me to control my attitude whenever I become irritated, and I agree that I have to work on that.

But I would also like for him to be able to let me be when/if I do get like that. When something's really bothering me, I need space. I need a little time to myself to deal with and get over it. I've always been that way, and H knows it, but he's always been the type that has to fix the problem NOW, not later. With H, it's "let's fix it and be done with it right now. Resolve it NOW," whereas I need time, and not even a lot of it, to sort through my thoughts. Why, after all these years, can he not understand this? His response is always, "So bite my tongue? You're telling me that I basically have to shut up about it." Ugh, is the snippyness really necessary?!! I'm not sure which is worse - the sarcasm or his inability to understand and empathize.

Before we both left, he again said I needed to control it. I thought as carefully as I could and said, "What I need is to stop being told what I need to do. When I get this way, what I need is understanding. I need for someone to stop and say, 'Ok, (GF)'s upset. She's irritable. She needs to be left alone for awhile. She needs time, so let me give her that.' What I don't need are reactions and sarcasm. It does not help me. And I don't need for someone to point out that I'm wrong. I know I am, but pointing it out and making me feel even worse doesn't help either."

H was looking off somewhere and just said alright then, then left.

He called my cell about 15 minutes later and said he was sorry that we argued and wanted to thank me for gathering the tax documents. I said no problem and apologized to him as well. I do try hard to control my annoyances; it just takes me a little more time and effort than most people, I suppose.

We talked a couple more times after that phone call, and each convo was really good. He got an idea of what our taxes would be and he was happy with that. We also joked with each other and flirted a bit. Good stuff.

H stopped by the house again at around 4pm. He wanted to say hi to the boys and to me before going to work. He gave the kids hugs, and when they left to another room, H said, "Well do I get a hug from you or what?" I said sure. I walked toward him and he quickly grabbed and pulled me close to him. He said, "C'mon. You don't hug me enough. I need love and affection, dammit. Lots of it!" I laughed a little and said, "Ok, I'm sorry. Sometimes I want to walk up to you and give you a hug, but I'm not sure if you want it." He said of course he does. We stood in the entry continuing to hug for a few more minutes, did some touching ;\) , and he kissed me a couple times. Then he went to say goodbye to the kids and gave me another hug and kiss before leaving and saying ILY.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell