That was nice of you Kerry to provide that link, but that person was too focused on his wife. Uggghhh, the early days on here. I really don't like to see that. Notice how I perseverated on every interaction...yuck. I should have just went with what we had.

That is actually my second name on here. I started over from scratch after my wife read the threads under my first name and asked for a divorce. So, that isn't the very start. I wasn't divorced yet either, so it's a little confusing. I did write I was divorced so my wife wouldn't catch on if she only read the initial posting. So ask me if I think your spouse reading DB or your posts is a good idea...I'd personally say no. \:\) If you want the mess I was before this thread, then look up the name phoenixdeux. You'll get a hit within the last year and can follow that to the beginning.

But my word of warning is there isn't any clues in there. I'm convinced that there are very few rules that can be universally applied and the rest is based on your own situation. I did the GAL stuff and LRT occasionally to excess and it had negative results. Others get positives. My thoughts on some of the universal truths:

1) DO WHAT WORKS. If something seems to be drawing your spouse closer, don't suddenly switch gears because of something on here. Keep doing what was working.

2) Focus on improving on yourself.

3) Don't pressure your spouse.

4) Have patience. This could take a long time.

5) You can't control what your spouse does. Ultimately, your spouse has to decide if they want to try again. You can help it along by being someone he/she would like to be with (and that's where learning to listen, validate, being friendly, being confident, etc) come in. He/She still may not want you, even with your improvements, because it's not your decision to make. If you can be happy with who you are, then I guess it's your spouses loss if he/she doesn't want you.

6) Despite how this feels, it isn't the end of the world. Life will be different and painful for awhile, but it doesn't end. Make the most of the time you do have apart. You might not get the chance again to fully take advantage of opportunities to enjoy yourself, learn new things, meet new people, travel, etc.

7) You have to be happy with yourself. I like some song that says, "She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me".

8) Expectations will kill you. \:\) Expectations are what you think should happen...but it doesn't work that way. Just accept that the interaction was positive without that expectation that it will lead somewhere. You'll just get disappointed.

9) Don't read my threads for wisdom. I think I have a good grasp on the principles, but I'm not sure I put them in practice. Some of the wisest stuff though was said to me by others. So, read Sage's advice. Sometimes sitting still is better than doing something.

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.
Abraham Lincoln

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.
Theodore Roosevelt