Up and down we go, where it stops, nobody knows

[SirPrizeMe]

Went for a bike ride this morning, yahoo! That was fun. Good to get the old heart pumping.

I am spending my time during the day preparing for my hearing on the petition for Domestic Violence protection order. What fun!

I had a conversation with my individual therapist the other night - I was describing the various ups and downs on the rollercoaster that is my life. In particular, W's filing of the petition for DVPO. She said, it sounds like your wife is experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

I was talking to another psychologist yesterday about my situation - she is just a friend. And she made the same remark. I had not introduced the idea of PTSD.

None of our family friends can understand why my wife has done the things she has done, none can understand why she continues to do the things she has done (like file the petition for DVPO). Most people don't believe me when I tell them. They ask for copies of the court documents because they don't believe she has actually filed a petition for DVPO.

Does this stuff feel like regular old mid-life crisis to you guys?

• She has alleged in court documents that I have cut her off financially, left her penniless. The truth is that I changed the direct deposit on my paycheck - it no longer goes to an account that she controls. It goes to an account I control and I pay the bills from there. I have given her cash and I have signed receipts showing that. This is so easy to refute it is surreal that she says it.
• she has alleged in court docs that I repeatedly grabbed her and controlled her in the house. This just isn't true.
• she has alleged in court docs that after changing my direct deposit I "fell behind on the bills". First, Ok, which is it? Have I refused to pay any bills? or did I fall behind? Secondly - I did not fall behind on the bills. Most of our bills were weeks and months overdue by the time I took charge financially. MOST. This is easily verifiable. I don't know why she would assert it in a court document. How can she miss this?
• she has said I pounded on things and screamed during specific conversations, when in fact that did not happen. She made these remarks only hours after the conversation, so I remembered it very clearly. During the conversation in question, we spoke calmly, though it was a tense topic (her affair). Yet she reported to other people that I was irate, out of control. When I raised this discrepancy with her in therapy, she wrote it off as simple exaggeration. "Pounding on the car" is not a simple exaggeration of "not pounding on the car."
• she reported to her father than I filed for divorce, when it is easy to see on the court documents that she is the petitioner. This is just too weird.
• She claims in the petition for DVPO that she is afraid to leave me alone with the kids for more than 8 hours, yet only 2 weeks prior to filing, the boys spent all day with me and had a sleepover at the house where I am staying. And only 6 weeks prior to her filing that petition, I spent a week with all 4 of the kids, alone. She approved both of these visits.

It is all just too weird.

The one psychologist suggested that hidden childhood trauma can lead to PTSD, trauma such as witnessing or experiencing violence in the home, witnessing or experiencing sexual assault, and so on. Other common causes are witnessing extreme violence as an adult, as in soldiers.

This seems to fit so clearly to my wife's behavior. She seems to perceive every stressful situation as a grave threat. And certainly there has been a great deal of stress in her life lately, with the affair and all the marital trouble we've had. My trying to address and resolve the conflict directly, through difficult conversations, in therapy and out of therapy, never seemed to work, and only seemed to lead to more problems. This all makes sense if she is experiencing PTSD.

The psychologist suggested that one way to investigate further would be to find out if there was physical or sexual assault in the childhood home. We had never discussed this issue in therapy. My wife once commented that she saw her father punch her mother in the stomach. I was shocked but never thought much about it. W did not like to talk about it.

I wonder if there is more to the story. But the psych told me that I cannot ask wife's mother or father, because they would be complicit in the trauma, if in fact it was present in the home. They are not reliable witnesses. The father might deny any violence (even now, 35 years later) and the mother might deny it as well, still shamed about it. (after the two split, the mother became an alcoholic). I could ask my wife's siblings.

I once asked W whether she had been a victim of sexual assault. She denied it quickly. I wonder if it is worth investigating further.

I'm considering what to do. It's delicate.

Next question is, what would I do if I had some evidence of violence or assault in her childhood home? I don't know what I could do with that information. It would have come in handy while we were still in therapy together, but at this point I don't see it as something I can use to open a discussion with her.