I don't know what I'm doing! Another Bomb!

[gsr1]

H just told me the really reason why everything is happening. He confessed sex addiction. Has always had it! Says he been living double life for such a long time, has not been faithful in so many years. Still loves me but can not control these feelings. I have a choice to let him continue to lead this life or please let him go so I can get on without him. Does not want help from me or counseling, likes this feeling. So now what? In deep MLC or real sex addiction? He was in so much pain, he was crying he said he couldn't take all the lies anymore, doesn't want to hurt me and can't live with this feeling of guilt he had put on me, wants me to continue to love him but then again would like me to find someone that'll care for me the way I deserve.


gsr1

[inmyplace]

Hi gsr. Well, interesting. You did get an admission of his affliction. In the 12-step programs, they say admission is the first step to getting help. And drug addicts like the feeling of drugs. Other than that I don't know how to counsel you. One thought I had is that if he wants you to love him, then perhaps at some point he will be open to getting the help he needs.

And you may want to see a sex addict counselor for advise.

IMP

[peacetoday]

G

wow that is a tough one
MLC has reminded me of a person in a full blown addiction
a person out of control
and allowing the undiciplined side take a hold of him
like an addict with no help or recovery
the addict has to be the one to get help
just b/c your H has not been wiiling to get help for his addiction, that doesnt mean he never will
in the mean time, you can get help for you
I believe some of our MLCers use some form of addiction whether work, OW, constant recreation, foods, drugs, alcohol,
running all to achieve the same as replay
to avoid growing or looking at themselves
peace

[gsr1]

Thanks for the suggestions IMP and Peace.

H is a very confused individual, and I believe he doesn't know what he really wants, says he loves the thought that knowing that he has a family to come home to helps him, but at the same time wants to stay with OW and let this be her problem now, which, right now I'm all for that.

I couldn't stand to look at him this weekend, but at the same time felt sorry for him, the pain in his eyes when I told him that I wouldn't allow myself to be used by him killed me too.

H became very angry at me and told me I should have chosen to let him have his cake basically, of course that wasn't the way he put it. I did ask him if he still felt he was betraying either one of us, when he had told both of us the same story about chosing one over the other, said no.

H told me so much, will not tell OW the truth about anything, doesn't want to lose her as well. I have always protected him from everything, especially from himself, this time I just can't do it anymore.

I told him to do what he wants. I do want to be his friend but I want to work on me right now. I and the kids are my priority he'll have to deal with this on his own however way he choses.

Trying to cope with my decision.

gsr

[inmyplace]

I told him that I wouldn't allow myself to be used by him

gsr, even though it killed you to say it, it would seem to be a liberating thing to say. You need to respect yourself. And if your H should get his head together, he is going to have to repect you. While tough to say, I applaud you for saying it.

And I also like the rest too. You can't save him from himself. You have to take care of the things you have to take care of.

Ok, now I will get a little philosophical. At a certain point in time, I stopped using the phrase work on myself. I changed my thinking from that to becoming the person I want to be. Somehow, it felt more positive that way. Just something to think about. End of philosophy class!

G

[gsr1]

IMP,
You are right I felt so much better I just smiled and said this is the best thing for me that I was sorry but I have to do this for my sanity. Although, I did do a bad thing before he left the house I found his new phone for his calls to OW, and busted in little pieces in front of his face, I told him before not to have it in the house when he came home, oops, Oh well after all I did warn him and he said he wouldn't bring it in. He didn't get mad at me, he said he was sorry.

gsr

[Maya44]

A little breakdown doesn't hurt. It happens to the best of us and you can only take so much.

[ReDesigner]

Something about being in MLC that brings some people to realization of what they're about. Please look for the writings of Dr. Patrick Carnes who pioneered the research into sex addiction. There are websites as well and online tests that help identify the problem. Some people say they are "sex addicts" but the thing is that addiction is addiction. Sex happens to be the "escape" of choice. It's not about the sex. My H was diagnosed as having "active sex addiction" about 10 years ago. He also cried and was incredulous at the realization of what he was doing. We didn't finish counselling and I still think his latest A is a result of the same addiction problem. (BTW - this last A played itself out a couple of months ago after the typical 18-24 mos.)

Look for the books - "Out of the Shadows" and "Don't Call it Love" among other books by Dr. Carnes. It will more importantly help you to understand. I think I read that in 87% of the patients under Dr. Carnes, have childhood sex abuse in their backgrounds. Another high percentage have other types of abuse.
Here's a link to the related website to Dr. Carnes:
http://www.sexhelp.com/index.cfm

Good luck. It's something quite formidable but giving yourself some knowledge is a first step.

[gsr1]

Thanks Trailing,

For the information. H believes he is okay and doesn't want to change, likes the feeling it brings, the gratification of it all. If its not about sex, then what? How did you handle the situation? Did H stay in the home with you while A was going on? There's so many questions, I'm sorry you don't have to answer those, just curious, I don't know where to go from here. Doesn't want me to throw him out he states he doesn't have any where to go, asked why not OW, what that he's only welcome on Fridays? He just laughed at that, don't know what that was all about.

gsr1

[ReDesigner]

Hello gsr1,

Firstly, you say: likes the feeling it brings, the gratification of it all[i][/i]. Well - I think - of course he does! That's why addicts do it...it feels better than they normally do about themselves. Addiction is an escape, an avoidance from dealing healthily with the painful reality of an unresolved interior life. You'd have to know your H's true background to delve into whether there is any unresolved abuse issues. Please read through the Dr. Carnes' website because it describes far better than I ever could. They have interviewed many patients who have described how bad they feel about themselves and what their addiction does to relieve that pain. I know there is some controversy as people question if a person can be "addicted" to sex. Dr. Carnes suggests that such people get their "high" from the hormones the body naturally produces when sexually stimulated. Using porn, sex chat, phone sex, etc. are all means to an end - that is to forget about painful pasts or present reality.
Once I started reading about this, the message was to look at the whole family. You can look at your H's family history, too. That's when I learned that unhealthy sexuality is often a family legacy. Looking at my H's family - there was definitely adultery, infidelity and verbal and emotional abuse. I didn't know about the adultery in my H's immediate family, but knew one of the uncles had kept a mistress for many years. When the aunt died, he went off to marry the mistress. That lasted 8 months and she dumped the uncle! At the time, my H smirked at this uncle's MLC. About a year ago, I heard from a family friend who said she had been the object by my H's father for an affair. She was actually friends with my MIL, so she wanted no part of this. However, she told me she never disclosed this to anyone, but the man persisted for a year before he backed off. He worked in remote wilderness and would not be home to his wife and family for weeks, but would still be calling this family friend. My H never knew about this. The only thing he once hinted was that his mother may have had an "admirer." He claims he was 4 or 5 and doesn't know who this man was and why he hung around while his dad was away for a year. I have no evidence, except many people frequently comment how H's younger brother bears no resemblance to him or his sister. I wonder why?

In the course of treating sex addicts, I've heard that it does help them to learn of the family connection. I helps them to see they're not isolated, but that what was not acceptable to others had been an open family secret and acceptable or politely ignored.

You asked how I handled the situation. I am still "handling" it. No idea when it might end. This is a life-long problem unless a person gets into a regular program of treatment with regular attention to relapses. Our counsellor recommended I attend SA (Sexoholics anonymous) which is for families. Based on AA, it encourages family members to look at themselves and realize we are powerless to do anything about the sex addict because that's up to a Higher Power. We're also advised to protect ourselves against STDs. That was 10 years ago and I'm still dealing with "letting go." As I let go, his crisis worsened. Hitting bottom is the only way they can turn around... because there's no place to go. Only he can choose to turn himself around. That is true of anyone who's veered off course and doesn't want to change.

This was not my H's first A. He had two previous ones - EAs, long distance, again, mostly via phone and internet. In those days, Viagra was not so easily available. Because it is now, he took full advantage and that's why this latest A was so brutally felt. It's just another "drug" that keeps the fantasy going. I stayed in the house until I confirmed he was having another A. The stress and anxiety from knowing he was having this secret life, kept me up at nights. He continued to act as if I wasn't even there, ignoring me, except to disparage me, blame me or swear at me. These are, of course, all products of his guilt and shame. My self-esteem was in tatters. I had to leave to save my sanity. I also realized I was being emotionally abused.

Sometimes in the childhood lives of addicts, there was a culture of shame. That exacerbates and drives the addiction. I was not aware enough to provide my H with the kind of support I could now. Also, another good support was knowing about Dr. Steven Stosny's "Compassion Power" who deals with angry, resentful spouses who take it to abusive extremes. I just didn't understand what I was facing.

That's why I suggest your best protection is to read up as much as you can. Understand what it is and see if it seems to fit your circumstances. It's not often a sex addict admits it's a problem... if they did, they'd have to do something about it! Use that as a guide. If your H does admit, then maybe he's just saying that to justify his behaviour without really knowing and understanding the real pain of the problem.

If he doesn't want to leave... he's a cake-eater. He wants to continue on his merry way, without consequences. Having an A is an immature, thoughtless behaviour. There are consequences to such behaviour and my suggestion would be to follow the Divorce Remedy guidelines and serve up consequences. If you let it go on, as I did, you'll only end up back in this same place repeatedly. My H never got to the bottom of why he was having an A. He tried to joke his way out of it, while now he's minimizing, telling our D that it was just a "mistake." He was too afraid when counselling brought up the painful childhood issues for him - abandonment, neglect and abuse. Those seem to really have a common thread through many sex addicts.

Please don't apologize for questions. I'm pleased if I can shed some light on what I learned. I would not want anyone else who's going through this to go through it alone without a roadmap! I wish I'd known about DB while I was going through this. Please don't let it fester, waiting for him to turnaround. He can't change unless you do and when you do, you'll feel like you're in control of your own life. It's about you. Addiction controls the addict's life, but also, if we let it, the family's lives, too. Hope this has been a little bit helpful. Keep reading Dr. Carnes for support!

Best, TS