I am done wanting my W back as the person she has become now. If she makes a miraculous turnaround, I may reconsider, but I highly doubt our marriage can be saved.
I am done wanting my W back as the person she has become now. If she makes a miraculous turnaround, I may reconsider, but I highly doubt our marriage can be saved
I can unfortunately relate to your comment. I won't take back the woman my W has become either. However, if she is willing to face her fears and faults and work on them, I'd love to have her again.
However, I too am not sure this marriage will survive. That is very, very sad for me and probably is for you too.
Where is your thread? I'm very interested to read your story as I'm almost certain my divorce will go through as my W doesn't want to consider anything else right now (or maybe ever).
Just thinking of you today. Hope you can keep your resolve if that is what you are wanting. Your brother wants what is best for you and he knows W is making you unhappy right now. But it will be up to you to decide whether or not you want her in your life in the long run. Actually, she will always be in your life b/c of the kiddies. So one way or another, you will learn to deal with her. Hopefully (if you want) she can get a grip on herself and you can get things back on track with time.....
I have no thread. Right click my name, go to show posts, and just go back a long way....it would essentially be 2005 posts would be my threads.
Kerry,
I know this site is supposed to be "divorce busting" and we are supposed to believe that the grass isn't greener, but sometimes it is in fact greener. I've been married to two women and believe me, I don't regret I'm not married to the 1st one. She has a ton of undesirable traits. I just couldn't be able to manage it. My 2nd wife is a good woman with a lot going for her. When we split up it was different. I didn't have kids with her. But I wanted her back not just because I loved her or wanted what I couldn't have, but because she's got loads of positives going for her. Everyone that walks away and everyone that is the LBS goes through things where they don't seem to be the same person, but still underneath it all have the same pros and cons to wanting to get back together. Is that your wife? How were things in the marriage before she split? Would she be the same if she came back? It's only in retrospect that I'm happy I didn't reconcile with my first wife (although I still hate having to only see my kids part time...that hurts), but I realize what I was chasing after was a dream of a good marriage, not reality.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I know this site is supposed to be "divorce busting" and we are supposed to believe that the grass isn't greener, but sometimes it is in fact greener.
My brother and coworker also have both remarried to much better women and they say that the grass is indeed greener.
I have checked out Match.com and Yahoo personals and can see quite a few ladies my age that have their act together. I know my life will be good after a D and I will continue to try and better myself and understand women more.
That was nice of you Kerry to provide that link, but that person was too focused on his wife. Uggghhh, the early days on here. I really don't like to see that. Notice how I perseverated on every interaction...yuck. I should have just went with what we had.
That is actually my second name on here. I started over from scratch after my wife read the threads under my first name and asked for a divorce. So, that isn't the very start. I wasn't divorced yet either, so it's a little confusing. I did write I was divorced so my wife wouldn't catch on if she only read the initial posting. So ask me if I think your spouse reading DB or your posts is a good idea...I'd personally say no. If you want the mess I was before this thread, then look up the name phoenixdeux. You'll get a hit within the last year and can follow that to the beginning.
But my word of warning is there isn't any clues in there. I'm convinced that there are very few rules that can be universally applied and the rest is based on your own situation. I did the GAL stuff and LRT occasionally to excess and it had negative results. Others get positives. My thoughts on some of the universal truths:
1) DO WHAT WORKS. If something seems to be drawing your spouse closer, don't suddenly switch gears because of something on here. Keep doing what was working.
2) Focus on improving on yourself.
3) Don't pressure your spouse.
4) Have patience. This could take a long time.
5) You can't control what your spouse does. Ultimately, your spouse has to decide if they want to try again. You can help it along by being someone he/she would like to be with (and that's where learning to listen, validate, being friendly, being confident, etc) come in. He/She still may not want you, even with your improvements, because it's not your decision to make. If you can be happy with who you are, then I guess it's your spouses loss if he/she doesn't want you.
6) Despite how this feels, it isn't the end of the world. Life will be different and painful for awhile, but it doesn't end. Make the most of the time you do have apart. You might not get the chance again to fully take advantage of opportunities to enjoy yourself, learn new things, meet new people, travel, etc.
7) You have to be happy with yourself. I like some song that says, "She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me".
8) Expectations will kill you. Expectations are what you think should happen...but it doesn't work that way. Just accept that the interaction was positive without that expectation that it will lead somewhere. You'll just get disappointed.
9) Don't read my threads for wisdom. I think I have a good grasp on the principles, but I'm not sure I put them in practice. Some of the wisest stuff though was said to me by others. So, read Sage's advice. Sometimes sitting still is better than doing something.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This list is fantastic! This is what I was hoping to glean from your postings but you summarized it all right here. Thank you very much.
Also, I agree w/ your words to Kerry. We have to look at our lives before the separations and decide if that is where we really want to be again. It is painful and so very different to be in our place now, but it has to get better. I can't see how any of us can feel much worse.
If you want the mess I was before this thread, then look up the name phoenixdeux. You'll get a hit within the last year and can follow that to the beginning.