Having a hard time

[ACJ]

S11 offered to hang it but I don't think he can

Let him at least try but be on hand to help if he struggles or is in danger of falling. He is showing you that he wants to be there for you do not push him away.

[HSSweetheart]

Got taxes done jointly for the last time and H was angry, ranting at me on Saturday. Tax preparer figured out what our split should be based on how much tax each paid via salary. I paid 60% of the owed taxes so I get 60% of the refund amount. He wasn't happy and upset me. At least I knew it was fair as the tax guy did it and he is neutral, just based it on figures so H couldn't question it.

Sunday I felt better, he came over and hung my shower curtain and did a few other minor things around the house. From what I hear from my group that is a rare thing so I should appreciate what I get done - and believe me I DO! I gave him a bowl of taco soup I made and Sunday he helped himself to some more while he was working, I said I guess you liked it!

[CMNM]

O.K., I have to ask this, and I really hope you will answer and not get defensive...

Is this just a regular shower curtain?

I mean, is it installing a whole new rod and everything, 'cause then this would make sense to me. But the way you are writing it, I am picturing a shower curtain. And, I am wondering, why do you need help with that?

HSS, I know you don't like my advice, but I'm in a bit of a predicament here... I read some of your stuff and really want to point some things out to you. I don't do it, because I don't want to upset you, as my comments have in the past. BUT, you have been spinning in the same circles for the longest time now, and I feel that it is wrong to just ignore it, too.

I have been eating my words since November when you posted that your H came over on the Saturday after T-day and did the T-day dishes...

Maybe you just are not clear in the way you write, I don't know. I do know that things like the dishes, the Christmas boxes, and the shower curtain all add up to someone who needs to take charge and not wait for someone else to do those things. I am not saying you will get your H back, but it could go a long way towards a newfound respect towards you.

Forgive me if I am wrong and have mixed you up with someone else, but I swear that your H is one who likes an orderly house and has said that you don't carry your load around there. If this is the case, again, doing those things would go a long way.

Even if I am mistaken...
the sense of satisfaction you would get from taking care of things with no help from him would be enormous. It may have meant transferring the Christmas decorations into smaller boxes that you (or your son) could have gotten into the attic..and yes, that is an extra step and a hassle... things like that put you in control somewhat. At a time when things are so out of control, even the smallest things help.

I hope I have come across as intended. I am not coming out of left field, either. I have had to rethink things since my H moved out. I have had to shovel the driveway, fix broken toilets, and do other things that would have normally fallen under his duties. With each thing I accomplish I become stronger and more in control of my life.

That is what I wish for you.

I am not making fun of you, I am not mocking you, I am not thinking I am the (how did you put it?) "Royal Authority."

I am just someone who is trying to help someone else who is struggling.

I hope you take this as intended.

And, if I did totally misunderstand you, I hope you can see where I was coming from, get a laugh out of it, and then not give it another thought.

[brandnewday]

((((((CMNM)))))))))

What a lovely and caring post.

You were ever so kind and walked on more eggshells then I could imagine.

I do agree with everything you wrote.

I remember the first winter my Husband was gone, and I had to shovel the snow out of the driveway.

It took me so long, and while I was shoveling I was crying and having major feelings of anger towards my Husband....BUT.....I got it all done and it felt so good not to be a victim.

I fixed the sump pump, repainted the house, unblocked the toilet, amongst other things. I did these things alone.

Now that my Husband is home, I don't have to do these things anymore, but it's nice to know I can.

[ACJ]

We don't get much snow where I am BUT I do have a VERY large garden and with it a VERY large and temperamental lawn mower. The first summer I sat in tears on my lawn with the mower in bits trying to make it work again. I did it eventually but boy did I look a mess: grass streaked all over my face mixed in with the tears. Red puffy eyes due to the tears and suffering from hayfever. Thankfully my H didn't pay a surprise visit that day (as he used to at the time but now doesn't bother) so he didn't get to see me so distressed and looking like I had been dragged through a hedge backwards.

HSS we all care for you but believe us when we say if you at least try to do some of these things for yourself you will feel like you have achieved something and that in itself will make you feel better.

[HSSweetheart]

No, my H is not the one who likes an orderly house and says I don't hold up my end, you are mistaking me with someone else. ANd I did not ask him to do those dishes, he did them himself as he felt I cooked so he should clean. He was not obligated, he just did them. And it was not a shower curtain but a new rod that had to be installed instead of tension that I had. And he did it last weekend, as well as putting our house numbers on the garage door and fixing the front door lock. There are many things I have done. I was there asking the neighbor to start the lawn mower all summer so I could mow the grass just as mentioned. Sweaty and dirty and dying to pass out I did it myself. And yes, it was a sense of accomplishment. And there are other things I have done, I don't feel I have to mention them all. But there are some things I cannot do and would have to hire some one to do. Besides, many of these things were things he was supposed to long before he left. I have a ceiling that has needed sanding and re-painting for about 3 yrs now. This is still his house in my eyes, even if he doesn't return his kids live here and he is getting a piece of its value, right? Besides, don't we all ask someone for help? Brother, neighbor, etc? I will at least try as I still feel he should be there for us. That is the RIGHT thing to do. If he doesn't come through then I will deal with it. I'm not sure why you all think that is so wrong. Oh, he shoveled the snow as well. Told me that he would not leave me with it. AND I DID NOT ASK HIM IN ANY WAY TO DO SO-IT WAS HIS CHOICE. He also does his father's and always has done both.

I'm not sure how it works for the rest of you, but I ask H to do these things for me and he generally does, but I am doing things for him in return. It is reciprocal. If that changes then I will find another way. I am trying my best to be civil with this man that has wronged me. I could be like the rest of the world I am told and seek revenge in so many ways.

Last night he came over as he does every friday to give me my support $. He gave me cash and made me sign a receipt and asked me not to comment. I said it was because I could not be trusted. Then I told him that I have never screwed him. I started crying. He then told me that he cannot stand living at his fathers, no surprise, and that he is moving out even if he has to move to a bad neighborhood and doing it in the next few weeks so therefore he will no longer be able to pay me. As we all know he cannot not pay me. So looks like I have to do some legal action to prevent this situation.

[CMNM]

I'm not sure why you all think that is so wrong.

No one thinks it is wrong to ask someone for help if you really need it. I can only speak for myself, so I will offer my take on it. When a man has left the house and expresses no desire to be in it, then it is best to try to do whatever you can on your own.

I just feel this sense of entitlement that you are putting out there, and I fear it will hurt you in the end.

I am trying my best to be civil with this man that has wronged me. I could be like the rest of the world I am told and seek revenge in so many ways.

I am gently suggesting here that you get to a place of enpowerment instead of feeling wronged. Hell, I used to feel "wronged" also. But then I thought about it and realized that I cannot hold someone's love for ransom.

I see very little from you examining the whys of your relationship breaking down. There are 2 sides to every story. I say this not to accuse you of anything, but to hopefully stop you from playing the role of the victim here. Yes, what you are going through is awful. I wish it on no one. But it is what it is, and it is time for you to move past the anger and feeling like a victim in all of this. Whatever went wrong in your relationship may just keep repeating itself, with your H or another man down the line, if you don't take the time to truly examine what happened here.

The only people you seem to respond to on your thread are the ones that come to offer support and tell you to "hang in there." Yes, those people are great, and we all need some in our lives, but HSS, we also need the ones that are gonna give us the nudge we need to keep moving. You seem to get very angry when anything but support for your feelings is offered to you.

You are certainly correct, it is your H's house too, and any lawyer would tell him it is in his best interest to keep it in good repair. And yes, it is the right thing to do FOR HIS CHILDREN. He doesn't owe it to you, though, and you need to let go of that. It seems to be the source of a lot of your anger.

This is the second time you have referred to a "You scratch my back and I will scratch yours" type deal.

I ask H to do these things for me and he generally does, but I am doing things for him in return. It is reciprocal. If that changes then I will find another way.

Doing things to get something in return will never end in a good way!

HSS, why do you suppose your H is so antagonistic towards you? Has he given you any clues as to why he wanted out of this marriage? If so, (dig deep here) was there anything he said that you can find some truth in? What have you done to move towards him?

You seem at such a standstill, as if you are waiting for lightening to strike and send everything back to "normal." Even if this did happen, you would end up back in this same spot if you do not work to change the things in the marriage that needed changing. (Read Frank's thread to see this in action.)

Maybe it is time to go back to the beginning. What was your relationship like when it was good? What brought you and your H together?

HSS, I am not trying to hurt you. I am trying to help you. I stand firm in my belief that just letting you vent is not the way to do it. At some point you need to take action. At some point you need to dig deep and perhaps make some necessary changes. Let the people here help you.

I would like to refer you to Cagzmom's thread in Midlife Crisis. It is a powerful read.

Incidentally, I hope your H was just venting about his dad's and really has no intention to move. If so, you are correct that you need legal advice pronto. Good luck with that.

[cat03]

does he know you'll file for CS tomorrow if he cannot commit to give you your money? i swear, the moment they leave the home their minds turns to mush, how does he think you'll make it without his share? jeez! take care of you and the kids))))