Haven't posted in a looooong time. Well, my life was going so good, on a real upswing - I jumped on a new project at work, made the journey back East.... then, right after my parent's came out for a visit, I fell into a black hole of depression. The winter, the distance from family, the isolation with the W who still won't talk about what happened in our M. I lost a good friend in November, who was literally a lifesaver during my separation and depression. We had problems with the renters in our house that meant I got almost no money for 5 months from it (the market tanked before I could sell and a big part of my GAL activity was fixing up my house!). I convinced myself the effort was to get it sold, but I was really putting my heart and soul into my home!
We're still piecing, but I dragged her back to Fort Collins, CO. That may have been a mistake. I thought we'd agreed to do it together, but now I fear she resents me for dragging her back from her dream of going back home to where she's from. She had a meltdown on the way here. I wanted to go back to our house in Wheat Ridge, but she will not move back there. That's fodder for another post.
Please, for those of you who want to say "I told you so!" it won't do any good, and I know it. I made the journey out there with the best of intentions. It was my own stupid need to cling to the past and what I'm familiar with that ruined it when we got there.
Even though we had help from her dad, we're now in such debt I don't know if we'll ever recover. Debt was a big stressor in our relationship already. I was trying to hold down the job, keep up the house, etc. in Wheat Ridge. If we'd stayed on course we'd be close to being out of debt right now. Instead we're renting a place that doesn't feel like home, an hour from all the things I was comfortable with (not to mention my office - I'm working from my basement now) that made it easier for me to manage my stress and medical problems. And someone else is living in my home!
To top it off, the new project I joined at work has been a living hell. In my field you have to be constantly relearning and I've just not been in a mental state this last year to learn all new technology, deal with the ever increasing corporate BS, etc. I don't dare be away from my cell phone. On call all the time. After hours stuff, weekends, etc.
This roller-coaster of life being really bad, then really good, then really bad again has been so stressful that my health, energy, etc. have taken a real beating.
There's so many details I suppose I should fill in. I guess I may need to start posting regularly again. Way too much to say, and I'm supposed to be working right now! And I haven't even gotten to the relationship parts of my saga!!!!!!
For the oldtimers who have warned about how hard piecing really is, man did I underestimate. I still thought it was all fine and dandy, until real life came back. We ran halfway across the country and took our old problems with us. As my aunt likes to quote: "Wherever you go, there you are!"
I hate to say it, but my life would probably be on a better track for me personally if I'd have let go back when I was in a better place for myself personally.
Kim07 - I'm soooooo glad to see your recent post about your turn-around. That's truly amazing!! I can hardly believe it. I'd really like to talk to you, but I realize we can't spend hours on the phone analyzing depression, relationships, etc. like the old days. Just hope you'll "drop by" to say hello and give some encouragement!
