I feel very calm today. I feel like I am getting beter within myself. I had fun with my kids last nite.... we sat in the living room listening to music and my kids were dancing, and I was laughing really hard. They are hilarious.

I am feeling optimistic about my future, like I am really going to be able to do this and do it well.
Yesterday my H was a little under the weather, *( he has a toothache)*, and he snapped at me. Did not call me names he just was grouchy and normally something small like that would make my day blue but I took a deep breath and let it go and went back to cleaning my kitchen, and dancing to the music that was playing on the radio.
I let him own it and keep it actually also.

He called a few hours later and I answered in a normal tone not my happy voice I usually answer in when it is him.
HE IMMEDIATELY APOLOGIZED FOR HIS BEHAVIOR
I WAS FLOORED * ( BUT DID NOT SHOW IT) ;).
~Wow~ \:D is all I can say.. he is continuing to surprise me. And I am really working hard at not fixing him and all his feelings and taking ownership only for me and who I am. It makes my day so much more tranquil.

Sure if I affect his day with my moods or me I apologize, but I rarely hurt his feeling just cause. I ven teahc my kids, just cause you are having a bad day doesnt mean you take it out on everyone you encounter. You work on it within you and let it go and by all means if someone hurts your feelings you let them know that it wasnt ok what they did or said to you. I myself have been guilty of letting people hurt me and hurt me some more and when I cant take anymore then I let them know.

~Living like that so others would not be offended meanwhile they were being regular A$$'s hurt me more than I will ever know. Now I try as much as I can to keep irt real.

And especially with my Hubby, I used to let him hurt me so much and just swallow it all and then some more and I was stuffed at the seams with pain and hurt, and there again I thought I was helping by being quiet. When what I needed to do was say something...... say something so my heart wouldn't shut down and shut him out.
It is 2 months away from the day he said " I dont think I can do this anymore, I think we should get a Divorce."

I wonder if I will ever forget that day????????
Dont think so , The pain feels so much cleaner now.. it is a slight hurt that stays with me. Back then it was an all consuming hurt. Looking back I realize I could have just put my hands up and said yeah I give up you are rigth honey this isnt worth fighting for.
But I refused to give up until I gave everything I could.Some days giving up was on my mind and I flirted with it and then I kept on, took a deep breath abd tried harder.

I can still remeber him saying to me ..... " I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU BUT IT HURT TOO MUCH TO STAY....."

I never realized by shutting down like I do when I am in pain, I was shutting him out too.?!?!?!~
He has been an absolute angel for a bit again and I always hope he stays this way. Stays Human but on a sweeter level. One where he can admit I was wrong,
where he can admit he loves me
where he can admit he NEEDS ME once in awhile
where he can admit that he WANTS ME and only me to share his life and his body and soul.
The Human Being that can admit that he loves me and needs me to make his life a little sweeter. A REAL MAN who shows me he is vulnerble too and places his heart and , body and soul in my hands and says here I am be a part of my life and take care of me as I will take care of you. That is really all I ever have wanted from him. The Cadillac and the Jewelry sure they are real nice but his love is so muuuuuch better.
~Life is good and God loves me more than I can ever repay him. I am stronger now than ever, older and wiser.
God bless you all ~Ali