PMA = Me

[LoginName]

Lodo,
Sorry to hear it. I think the separation can give you the space you need to be strong though too. Reading your posts, it seems like you've kind of been pushing her out for a while (not out of the M, just out of the house). Maybe - although it hurt like hell - it was easier on me that my W left town with the OM. If you've read enough of Grasshopper's posts, you know he lived with his W while she was dating OM. Tough. Not for everyone, but probably something to be learned there.

Here's a thought for you. This is really tough on your W. You may be hurting too much right now to care, but this is really hard on her. To me, it helps to realize that she is hurting too. It helps me feel a little compassion, which makes it easier to love unconditionally, and oddly enough, to let go some.

The OM is a problem, but only a symptom. Listen to what she is saying - she doesn't know what's wrong with her, she doesn't know why she feels trapped. So she feels trapped. That's an issue. Not the OM. She feels something is wrong with her. That's an issue.

Yes, kick in the GAL, detach like mad, let go of what you can't control, work on PMA, and don't give up.

I'm still catching up with your sitch, but it sounds very hopefull right now.

I remember telling my W that she had enough stress with the PhD and that I would not bring up R stuff until later. Of course, I was only partially successful. But you asked me if my W's PhD had an affect and I think it did. She was under lots of stress. She felt trapped. She felt scared that it would be over. What do you do after all that work? I don't really understand this part, the PhD stress part. I'll do some research and see what,if anything, I can find out. Our MC has a PhD, so he kind of understood. He didn't talk about that stress in our sessions though.

Final thought for now: don't initiate conversations, listen hard (in other words, take youself and your pain out of it, just listen to what she is saying) when she does talk, give your opinion if asked but don't volunteer it, settle down for a long roller coaster ride. Oh, and stop telling her what she needs or feels - i.e. don't tell her she would be happier moving out, or even that she needs to end it with OM before anything can happen. Let her figure things out for herself. You telling her will just make her defensive and stubborn.

Good luck lodo.

OK, I'm still talkative. I guess the coffee is working. Reading your sitch is bringing back some of the feelings I had early on in my sitch. I can't believe how much of the pain I've already forgotten. You will too. I empathise with you, lodo, I know how much it hurts. But you can do this, you ARE Doing this, and you will succeed.