You are so right. Taking the focus off him and putting it on me and the kids is really helping. I am not saying that I don’t think of H, but through a program (healthy eating and active living) at work I am starting to focus on my needs.
H was by on Monday. We were all off from work/school. He came, made dinner (homemade pasta and sauce…the kids’ favorite) and just hung out with us all day into the night. When he left I just shook my head and I think something finally snapped. I got so frustrated….because he shouldn’t be leaving. I just closed my eyes and asked God to wrap his arms around H and guide him home. That is all I can do right now.
I am looking at a man who doesn’t know what he wants or how to get it. If he did he would be home. I can’t fix him. Only God can and I don’t know if or when that will happen. I just know that nothing I say or do will make it happen faster.
I have really made a conscious effort to start to eat healthy and put the time into reading about healthy lifestyles. I am taking a class at work that focuses on this. I am so trying to take the focus off my H. I pray that once I do, things will be different.
Hope all is well with everyone. Snodderly, hope you and your family are doing well.
Mopsey, I was so happy to read your posting and to see that you've gotten w/a program on eating healthy and active living. I believe you will find that you sleep better and will have more energy as time goes by. You are starting to live again, enjoy life and yes, it does hurt that you have to give up trying to save your h, but God will watch over him.
Your Monday sounded very nice, i.e., a warm and loving family getting together for pasta and just hanging out together. Yep, there is definitely something wrong if he can be there and then turn around walk away, but it's not you at all.
So, Mopsey, what are your plans for the weekend? You are doing just fine. Keep the focus on you and your children and enjoy doing activities together. Everything will work out in the end. But it has to happen on God's time, not ours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Monday was nice. It was just like pre-mlc in a way (except s15 didn't speak to H). H was quiet. He had a sad look while d12 and I played with the dog...and I did wonder what was going on in his head. Whatever....
H was suprised I did take s15 out alone for a little while to pick up some things and left H with d12. I think h was suprised that I would leave....thinking that I wouldn't want to miss any time with him. It's not all about H!!
Anyway, I already feel good about focusing on my diet and eating healthy. I have also vowed to walk up the 5 flights of stairs every morning to my office to start my day.....It winds me, but I am determined.
This weekend is hinging on weather. We are supposed to get snow tomorrow. D12 and I have some shopping to do for my dad, h's and s15's bdays which are coming up in the next 2 weeks (hers is in 3) so we will probably do that saturday night. S15 is going to a semi-formal with a group of friends on Saturday night. There is no swimming this weekend....so I think I will do some cooking on Sunday! It's all about the kids...so I know it will be great!
As for H, I hope you are right and everything will work out in the end. I just don't know how. He is a stubborn one.
This week has really been good for me. Although I do think of H, I find myself not obsessing about where he is or what he is doing. I am busy with the kids and last night I actually had a few hours to myself as d12 went to a friend's and s15 went to his semi. It was so nice. I went to the mall and bummed around. It felt so good.
Anyway, not much on the H front. He seems to be pulling back. I guess I always expect him to tm me at night, but this week he has called a couple of times and that is all. Yesterday he came by while I was out with s15...he left shortly after I got home. I sent him a picture of s15 all dressed up and got no comment...not that I expected one but he usually does.
Whatever. He seems to be running back into the tunnel. Monday must have felt too good.....or his MOW can give him some time. Who knows. All I know is that due to the storm on friday, I have enjoyed a great 3 day weekend with the kids. I got out and did something for me last night and I just went to the store and stocked up on things to cook this week that are healthy!! (although the price of food these days can give me a stroke).
H has a birthday on friday...he is a leap year baby. He insists that we don't get him anything, but I did ...just a little something from the kids. S15 turns 16 on 3/10 and d12 turns 13 on 3/16. Those should be interesting milestones for H. I think he will probably have a hard time with it.
Snodderly, focus off H for the most part, but why do I still feel like he will never get through this.
Mopsey, Why do you feel like he'll never get through this? Mopsey, it's because you are far too close to the situation and you are still analyzing every move/comment he makes. It's hard to completely let go, but you are going to have to do that in order to complete your journey. Even though you know you shouldn't expect anything from him, you are--for example, the tming at night. If he does, so be it, but there are going to be times when he's consumed w/himself and he will not do this.
Your h has been one of those that has been extremely kind to the family and is still very concerned about the welfare of each family member. This is a good thread of connection, but you need to step back just a bit from his drama. Your children are pretty much doing their own thing and if he comes over or calls them, they'll respond. You might want to observe their behavior and it may help you to detach a bit more.
They all come closer and then pull back. It's the dance to suck you back into their drama. They will do this unknowingly and that's why detachment is a must. Once they know you are still there in the game w/them, they'll disappear again and until they feel you pulling away again. Try to think of him on Mars and every now and then you get a postcard from him.
I'm glad you had a good week and you'll have so many more once spring comes and you can focus on other things. Enjoy the mall shopping and the peace and quiet you are experiencing. Life is so full of many ups and downs and you'll have many adventures along the way, just keep your mind wide open for whatever life tosses your way.
Enjoy your Sunday!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Haven't posted this week....because I really stepped back. I took focus off of my H and this mess and enjoyed the kids and their swimming, caught up on some things around the house and worked. Concentrated on healthy eating and walking. It really felt good. It was nice not wondering what he was doing or if he was lying to me....
H and I had very little contact this week until friday. H's birthday. He came by for a little bit yesterday (with lunch) and we spent today together at d12's swim meet. I have to say, for the most part I pulled back today. I really just wanted to be still and absorb the moment for d12.
H did a crossword puzzle and every now and then would ask if I wanted anything. After it was over he asked what we were doing and I told him we were going home. I extended an offer but he told d12 he had some grocery shopping to do. I let it go.
I have to say it was nice not to have to sit with depressed H. He actually seemed happy. Maybe things are working out for him in this new life he has created.
It is weird that H and I usually do the come here go away dance, but right now while I am pulling back....he is staying back. It is nice not doing the dance, but I also wonder what/if anything is changing in this crisis. Well I guess in time God will show me. At least I hope so.
Anyway, H did tell me he had C tomorrow. Maybe he is content with being on his own now. Maybe independence is what he is getting from counseling or perhaps justification (snap rubberband on wrist....don't analize mopsey).
Mopsey, You sound like you are in a much better place these days. Look at what you posted! You are calmer, enjoying life a bit more and no, you aren't sitting around on pins and needles waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Your h sounds like he's coping better. Maybe the reason he appears a little bit happier is because he doesn't feel the "pressure" of being analyzed by you and/or watched all of the time. They do sense when you are waiting for something.
Continue to go w/the flow and allow the man upstairs to do his work. Enjoy your time w/the children and soon....spring will be here!
It was too good to be true. H's coping. Yesterday I stopped at a shopping center near the house. I was at the checkout paying when I looked out the front window across the parking lot....and who was in his car..H. He didn't see me, but as he pulled away I waived to him.
I knew he had counseling before I saw him and he looked as if he had been crying. He said he was in his car just gathering his thoughts. D12 was at softball practice so we talked for a few minutes.
H was really down. Said he has a 2nd interview for a "real job that everyone wants him to get" and was torn because he loves his bartending gig. I told him I hopes he does what makes him happy and he implied that I too wanted him to get a real job. I said again that I want him to be happy and he said everyone wants him to get a real job, his parents, the kids.....I am sure MOW.
I just dropped it. He came by the house for a little while after d12 came home. He hung out for a bit, dozed off and then left. Must have been an emotional session with the C. Whatever. I am sure when God is ready I will know. I am trying not to speculate or even think about it....
Anyway, the kids birthdays are coming up. S15 on the 10th and d12 on the 16th. Should keep me pretty busy. I just want them to enjoy their special days. S15 is having his friends over this weekend and d12 is having a party next weekend. I am happy I can do this for them. My life no longer revolves around this crisis it only revolves around them.
