I am not sure I had as many changes as you, but I changed a lot of things and I sorted things out, threw some of the changes away. Mainly the changes that I threw out were the ones I was making for someone else. I have a basic nature that has been with me since birth, I like that. But there is experimentation on this road. One of my big changes, I don't feel the need to justify myself when criticized. I take criticism as constructive. Of course, as a human, I am not perfect, but you get the idea.
Michele says change the destructive patterns and hold onto the positive patterns and changes.
Changes. I have changed in ways that I think are for the better. Physically - I made a descion IMMEDIATELY that he would NEVER and I mean it - never see me looking, frumpy again..NEVER -it was for me 100%!! In the beginning, before he left after the BOMB he started playing poker on monday nights (or more) and I showed up --- nice as could be - dressed still in my work clothes (it was winter so it worked well) and makeup hair etc. done (mind you this was usually 11 pm or later.) I DID IT FOR ME!!!
Other changes have been things like: Not asking loaded questions (i did't realize how often I could back people into a corner and not give them an out.) Not letting anger rule me My anxiety is gone (funny - as i have said before the manipulator went away and now I have no anxiety) Taking pride in ME - who I am (this one is a work in progress)
Even just going to counseling. I have gone every week since December 06 bomb. AND it is helping me. I had issues- don't get me wrong. WE ALL do. I had the daddy is best syndrome and the don't leave me syndrome. All of htem. And I am sure that living with that pressure was not easy. BUT IF HE WOULD HAVE JUST OPENNED his freakin' mouth!!! Oh well...not going there.
And thank you for understanding the trailer... =)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
cagz, our whole life is a work in progress. But it's cool.
As for counseling, I went from July 2000 to January 2002, not necessarily every week, but it helped. I also found a couple of support groups which were helpful. I am still working on the "this s**t is boring" syndrome, mainly at work...lol!
Pam, thanks for picking up my slack when I'm gone! I love the fact that you discussed setting "bite-sized" goals! IMP, also love the fact that you brought up the part about leaving behind destructive habits and picking up on the positive ones. Great work here!
Cagz, that brings me to another aspect of what has been said and it's about truly focusing on what is positive. There's an accurate saying around here, "What you focus on expands". In common words, when you apply a magnifying glass to any aspect of your situation, make sure it's the good stuff that gets blown up on the screen so you have good stuff to work with.
Your changes for you are definitely worthwhile and fantastic. I was also one who allowed anger to rule me. It made for a very unhappy existence. I'm so glad I got my own wake up call, even if the price I paid was losing my marriage, I got a part of me that I had not had before.
Something you said...
Quote:
I had the daddy is best syndrome and the don't leave me syndrome.
Oh boy, we're on some common ground. I spent a good part of my life dealing with my incredible fear of abandonment. (Remember that part about what you focus on expands? This is how mine played out.) And the result was definitely one where I set myself up to be left. Gee, that sucks.
I was fortunate enough to have met some incredibly enlightened people here. I keep in touch with quite a few of them off the BB and I am indeed grateful for their insight to some of my issues that were apparent to them but less apparent to me. Heck, my IC probably mentioned it to me, but I guess I wasn't quite ready to hear the message and do the work. Anyhoo, one of my pals suggested I deal with my fear of abandonment once and for all--so that I didn't need to live in fear of the same outcome down the road. She recommended a book to me, which I will highly recommend to you. The homework is very, very tough, but I can attest to the fact that it brings those fears to light and allows you to see them for what they are.
The author is Susan Anderson, and the name of the book is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life. It will make you cry, but I honestly believe that the entire message of the book is healing and ultimately beneficial. You can buy it on Amazon and probably is available in the larger bookstores as well.
I've also lived in that trailer. It really does bite. I STILL have people tell me, "If you ever need help with your D11, just call." Yep, I've done that and funny that the timing never seems to work out. No matter... it's just not the case right now and keep trying. They're all doing the best they can as well, and your troubles just might not top their list.
You're on the right track and doing the things that you need to do to catapult yourself to a better place. It takes time, so don't fret.
Take care and have a terrific day.
Betsey
p.s. Pam, where the heck is Mer? She can't still be sick?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey