This is really weird....your whole situation. Take or leave these observations/opinions/advice, but to me, knowing only what you post, it seems you are a bit of a pushover. What do you say when your wife talks about getting back together when OM dies? That's really icky. Personally, I'd probably say, "not likely". Correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like she's basically with him for his money. She probably is hoping she'll get an inheritance from him. That doesn't sound that desirable/attractive.
Does she just come right in to the house? Do you get to swing by and walk in her house/OM house whenever you want? Your separated...you have your place and she has hers...she doesn't have two places. Personally, I would have covered up. While OM is in the picture, what you have is yours. Let her use her imagination.
Maybe this seems harsh, but it sounds like you are her for sure backup plan. Are you? Do you have some say on whether you want her? I'm not saying don't be friends for the kids' sake, but as long as she's living at OM's house, it just seems a little bit wimpy to not set more boundaries and at least make some statements that let her know that a relationship with you in the future isn't a given. If you've done this already...maybe you could stand to reinforce this a bit.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My W has told me that she is not after him for the money, but that she is worried that others might view it as such.
I think now is a good time to ask her for the house key along with splitting our checking account and vehicles. I dont care if she gets mad and it causes her feeling to move more towards the OM. The more she moves towards living permanently with OM just means that I will have less possibility of paying spousal support if this ends in a D. I want the final D papers to show no spousal support, because even if you have a little spousal support, it can be changed in the future if W were to fall on hard times. If there is no spousal support, she cant add it on after the D is final.
We have 3 more Saturdays of parenting classes before we can get a D finalized. During that time, I will try to find a realtor to get a fair market value on the house so I have a better figure for splitting the increase in value on the house.
Even though most my friends and family would like our M to be saved, it is quotes like this from my brother's email last night that really puts some of my inner feelings in perspective:
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There are truly good women out there that treat their men with respect. I think you deserve someone better than W will ever be.
The hard part is that I am not really ready to throw in the towel as I so very much miss the good times we had as a family. I still feel like I owe it to my children to not give up just yet. But I have my doubts of whether we can rebuild our M. Her contracting genital herpes from a one night bar stand and staying in an A are making it hard for me to see our M making it.
Fortunately, I found out a couple of days ago from a blood test that I am STD free!
The hard part is that I am not really ready to throw in the towel as I so very much miss the good times we had as a family. I still feel like I owe it to my children to not give up just yet.
I hear you. And I wasn't saying to throw in the towel. It was probably more throw your gauntlet in the ring. If she wants you, she should be winning you, not waiting for OM to die and see if you're still available. Kerry, I've read enough of your advice to others and enough of your own thread to know that YOU AREN'T ANYONE'S FALLBACK PLAN. She doesn't deserve you at the moment (and may never unless she gets her head on straight)...on that I agree with your brother.
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I think now is a good time to ask her for the house key along with splitting our checking account and vehicles. I dont care if she gets mad and it causes her feeling to move more towards the OM
I whole-heartedly agree with this. Just handle it matter of fact if she gets mad (ie "We are separated and getting divorced. It doesn't make any sense for you to have the key or to share accounts".) It might be a dose of reality that she needs.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with the getting the house key and seperating accounts at this point.
I personally feel her accepting such a lavish and high $$$$ gift by taking that SUV is so unwise on her part. That I don't feel will look very good to a judge and is something in your favor I would think.
I fully understand your desire to continue to try and doing so for your family is a very good reason. You and only you will know when YOUR time is up with trying. Do not let anyone else, not even your brother who has your best interests he feels in mind, disuade you from your stand for marriage reconcilliation if that is what you want.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I had some talks with W's two good friends and asked them how to go about telling W in a nice way that I wanted keys and split checking. They agreed we should be living with those tighter boundaries and warned me to not use the words "I feel like I am being used".
I typed a letter explaining in nice words that I needed some more separation in our separation. In it, I asked for her copies of the house key and that we will split the checking.
We had a short talk when I handed her the letter. She did not take it all that well and I detected several times the "I am the victim" attitude coming out in her. She wanted to know why I changed as she thought we agreed to go as we have been until our cutoff date of July. I told her that we should still have 4 more months of separation but that I needed to change some of the boundaries so as to make the separation more like the living conditions in a real divorce.
I did get the keys from her and we talked briefly about what to do on Mondays (my day) in which W takes D5 to violin lessons. I suggested that I start taking D5 (with D7 along) for the violin lessons. I think W tries to overcomplicate things. For me, it is simple and I would love to take my daughter to those lessons. W can still take her on Tuesdays for the group violin lessons.
We will go in together next week to get the checking split. W is working longer hours to fill in for the head teacher this week.
I offered to retrieve her handguns from the 3rd party and get them back to her as she likes to go to the range, but I told her that she has to take the handgun safe also so as to bolt somewhere in OM's place. She is well aware it is not safe to have handguns out where the kids could find them. Her response to my offer was "just keep them", it is not my house (OM's) and I cant just go drilling holes anywhere. She is so irrational as she and OM went shooting with a police officer this last Friday and used the officers guns. I know that they would love to go shooting more in the future.
I also tried talking to her about the kids and some things we need to focus on in their behavior (especially D5). I told her I found a motivation/discipline system that sounds very promising. Probably not the best time to talk about the kids, but she agreed that some things in our kids behavior need improvement.
As she was leaving the house, I noticed the SUV in the driveway and I had the mini-van from skiing yesterday, so I asked her if now was not a good time for me to start permanently driving the mini-van and she can keep the car (which she has at OM's house) for easier more economical driving. She barked "you just keep all the vehicles".
W left the house in a bit of a foul mood fury - I did not get a hug which is understandable. We talked on the phone and she still seemed irrational. She was saying things like "just throw my clothes and things away", "take it all since it is all your money", "your the strong one", "you just want to look good to everyone", blah blah blah. I politely told her that anytime she wants to talk to call me up.
It is times like this with her that really make me not desire her anymore as my W.
When the spouse gets so defensive, in my experience, they are feeling judged. But rightfully so. IT is their feelings of guilt b/c they know they are doing the wrong thing that often make them feel so angry.
I have been following your story for a long time and I feel for you. I want you to get your wife back. But the truth is she is living with someone else, and driving around in a $50K car he bought for her. Kissing him in front of YOUR kids. All of those things are unacceptable. I know it is hard to draw a line in the sand. I have done so and backpedaled before b/c I really don't want to lose my H. But it is perfectly normal for you to set standards and guidelines while you are separated.
If she doesn't like the "rules" you have instated, she can commit to working on the M, cut the OM loose, and work on her situation with you. But if she wants to be with OM right now, then there are consequences to her decision. She is an adult, even if she plays the victim (my H's ex-OW is good at pulling the victim card with him). She could tell OM she doesn't want the vehicle and refuse to drive it. But she has accepted it.
Keep doing what you are doing now and be firm. You will be able to know that if she comes back, she is doing it b/c she wants to be with you. If she wants a sugar daddy, she has one who can give her a fancy house and fancy car. If she wants you, hopefully you can be confident that she wants you just for you....Hope that made sense. Good luck and be strong, I know it is hard for me to do but hopefully you can make it happen!!
Yeah, she's barkign anger at you becaue you are a no good SOB. Not really but you know that is her mindset right now. She again refuses to accept that this is all part of the consequences of HER actions. She wanted to have this new life and not the one she had with you and the kids as a family of 4. She wants her cake and eat it too and most of the time in life that just isn't possible, something has got to give.
You have every right to set these boundaries and make this seperation seem more like a real seperation if that is what you want to do. Lord knows she went and did what she wanted to do.
Don't throw her stuff away just sore it all somewhere, don't keep all the vehicles-she will want hers eventually. But now si the time to do that glorious lovingly distancing thing we hear so much about on here. Give her time and space to wrap her mind around her consequences and I bet she will calm down and be back in touch in a day or 2, maybe 3 or 4. Her flaunting her relationship with OM by kissing in front of kids is totally unaceptable in my opinion. You also have every right to voice that to her.
Keep your chin up, remember only you will know if you still want to stand for your marriage or if you are ready to really throw in the towel.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
It's okay Kerry. Let her have her own pity party and feel like the victim. It probably won't last and I think you'll end up ahead in the long run. She just needs a little time to process. The things you asked weren't unreasonable and they weren't vindictive...just reality. Maybe she'll eventually face that reality. She really is living in la la land. Basically I think she wanted it all...OM's house and car and pretty much free access to you whenever she needed what you have to offer. Give it a little time and see what happens...all the while maintaining your friendly attitude.
Good luck.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
BobbiJo, MMB, JM - thanks for the support. I am feeling so at ease about getting this D over with.
Here is a little snippet of an email from my brother this morning. It is hard for me to argue against what he says...
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My point is...don't you think your happiness counts for something..? I do. I mean come on already. The middle aged man has suffered long enough.
It seems to me that Nui is a gold digger. No other way to put it. Why you would want that woman back is beyond me.
Marina and I tried a little pro vs con. I came up with 1 pro. She is the mother of your children. I got nothing after that. The cons are so numerous to count..just a few.. she got itchy scratchy...she has anger issues..she is a pack rat..no cooky, no cleany..she is a habitual liar ...a bit of a trust issue with her...I could go on, but you get the point.
Step back a bit and look at this rationally. Having her come back is not in Kerry's best interest. You deserve to be a happy middle aged man!! If your happy...your kids will be happy.
When you step back do you feel this way? It's easy for other people to say these things because they are living outside the situation. The choice to stand vs. walk away is yours.
