When the spouse gets so defensive, in my experience, they are feeling judged. But rightfully so. IT is their feelings of guilt b/c they know they are doing the wrong thing that often make them feel so angry.
I have been following your story for a long time and I feel for you. I want you to get your wife back. But the truth is she is living with someone else, and driving around in a $50K car he bought for her. Kissing him in front of YOUR kids. All of those things are unacceptable. I know it is hard to draw a line in the sand. I have done so and backpedaled before b/c I really don't want to lose my H. But it is perfectly normal for you to set standards and guidelines while you are separated.
If she doesn't like the "rules" you have instated, she can commit to working on the M, cut the OM loose, and work on her situation with you. But if she wants to be with OM right now, then there are consequences to her decision. She is an adult, even if she plays the victim (my H's ex-OW is good at pulling the victim card with him). She could tell OM she doesn't want the vehicle and refuse to drive it. But she has accepted it.
Keep doing what you are doing now and be firm. You will be able to know that if she comes back, she is doing it b/c she wants to be with you. If she wants a sugar daddy, she has one who can give her a fancy house and fancy car. If she wants you, hopefully you can be confident that she wants you just for you....Hope that made sense. Good luck and be strong, I know it is hard for me to do but hopefully you can make it happen!!
