Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[karen43]

[quote=GoingForward]
there any reason he can't grab a toothbrush and some clothes and be moved back in even if it takes a few weeks to get all his belongings over?

I agree with Neecy. My H is ready to spend the weekend with OW in about 5 minutes time so that seems a lame excuse to me. If he isn't willing to spend 5 or 10 minutes packing to avoid the divorce, then what does that say about how badly he really wants to avoid the divorce? He may say he wants to avoid the divorce, but his actions don't seem to back that up (if he is not willing to spend a few minutes to pack an overnight bag) in my opinion. Sorry for my negativity today; I know some of that might be b/c of my situation so take my advice with a grain of salt GF! Karen43

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Karen and Neecy. I truly appreciate your feedback and support!

H has called 2 or 3 times since this morning, talking about all of the things he wants us to do together, all his hopes and dreams for our future together. He assures me that I won't regret a thing. I almost feel like throwing the DR book at him and saying, "Read this and STOP chasing me!"

Right now, I'm mentally one big mess! My head feels like it's spinning and out of control.

I'm still not sure what to do, but I'm going to give myself the weekend to really think everything through.

If I choose to stop the D, I can go to the courthouse on Monday and see about doing so. If I don't stop it, well....I hope whatever happens, I will be strong.

Thanks again.

[GoingForward]

Had a great evening! Exactly what I needed after today . A bunch of my family and friends got together tonight for a surprise birthday dinner for my stepdad. Good wine, great food, lots of laughs. Wonderful times.

Since my last post this afternoon, H had called another 3, possibly 4 times. In one of those calls, he invited me to watch him play in his soccer game this Sunday. I said I would think about it, and it actually would depend on when he planned to pick up the kids for the weekend. The sooner the better because I have to work. If he gets them early enough on Saturday, then I can take care of my work sooner rather than later. If he didn't, then I'd end up having to work on Sunday, which would mean I couldn't go to his game. H said he would pick the kids up in plenty of time on Saturday; he really would like for me to go.

In another call, H told me about an annual dinner party his company is having in April, and if he's going, he has to RSVP by March 15th. He asked if I'd like to go with him. He read me an e-mail the company sent him which gave all the details, and it sounds like it might be worth attending. I didn't give him a definite answer though; just said it sounded nice. H added that he believes I would like the people he works with. Says they're really good people.

During one of those calls, he also talked about wanting to fix up the house, and whatever I wanted to do to it, he was all for it. If I wanted new flooring, the garage renovated, or a whole new kitchen, we'll get it done. WHO IS THIS MAN?!!! I said I appreciated that and it would be really nice, but I didn't think we needed all that. H asked well what would I like. I said if anything, maybe new flooring but it wasn't really necessary. H said consider it done. Wow, unbelievable.

He also talked about us and the type of R he knows we could have. H said all he wants is to be a family again. He wants to be around for the boys and to be a good father to them. He also wants to be a much better H to me. He said, "I have so much love and appreciation for you, and I want to show you that everyday. I took so many things for granted, and you were one of them. I will never do that again." I could tell in his voice that he was trying not to cry, most likely because he was still at work.

At the end of that call, he asked me, "Can I tell you ILY?" I was a little taken aback by that but said sure. He said ILY, and I said it back... ??? .... That was kinda scary.

H also called while I was out to dinner with my family. I was in the middle of eating when he called, so we didn't chat long. He said he just wanted to see if I was having a good time, and I told him I was. He also wanted me to be sure to give my mom plenty of money for the dinner; he knew she would be paying for the whole shebang and felt we shouldn't mooch (is that even a real word?). This was already my intention, but I thanked him and told him I appreciated it. This was very generous of him. Before hanging up, he wished me a good night, and I did the same.

After several attempts, my mom still refused to take money from any of us.

BTW, I did invite H to come along with us. Once a couple of days ago, and again today. He said thanks, but he's just not ready for that yet (being around my family). I told him I understood.

If we get back together, sooner or later, he's going to have to face them. My family will accept him back with open arms, and I've told him this. I know it for certain because they are very forgiving and want whatever I want. I just know that it's going to be extremely difficult for H when and if that time comes. He feels like he let everyone down, especially my parents. I seriously believe that my H will have a major emotional breakdown if that day ever happens.

[Snow White]

I am very happy for you, it sounds as though he has been thinking a lot about what will make you happy. I know your decision is still a hard one, and I know you told H earlier it is not about control but it has to be nicer to be the one who has a choice instead of feeling like you have no other options.

[GoingForward]

Hi, Neecy. Yes, I suppose it is nicer to know I have a choice. H said something yesterday about how's he stressing because he doesn't know what's going to happen. I know the feeling all too well.

Haven't heard from him yet today....that's actually a little bit of relief ....but he should be calling soon to let me know when he's on his way for the boys.

[GoingForward]

Grab a snack - LONG post coming.

Yesterday was quite a day. Had different issues and many emotions to deal with.

H picked the boys up around 1pm. We didn't talk about much as I was in a bit of a hurry to leave for work. He did ask me if I had thought anymore about everything. I again asked him to please just give me the rest of the weekend. He said he would but it was hard for him not to think and ask about it. After that he left.

I went to the bank to make a couple of deposits, then headed over to my parents' house to pick up something of mine before going to work. I was kind of hoping no one would be there because I wasn't exactly in a talkative mood. With the D coming up on Tuesday, I knew it would be on my mother's mind, and if she was there at her house, I had a strong feeling that she was going to want to talk about it.

So I get there, and just my mom was home. Great, that's even worse! If my stepdad would've been home, I might have been able to get away in time . Sometimes he can sense when I don't want to talk about certain things, and while my mom likes to press it, my stepdad will usually cut in and tell her to leave it alone.

Well after saying hello and grabbing what I went there for, I acted like I was in a hurry and had to go. Sure enough, before I could manage the great escape, my mom asked if H had moved in yet. Ugh!

She's my mom. I can't just ignore her or make up excuses to get the he** outta dodge, kwim?

I said no, he hadn't. Not yet. She shook her head with much disdain and said, "Just go through with the D. He's not moving back in. Just get it done."

That's exactly why I was hoping she wasn't home. If there was a way for me to look into the garage to see that her car was there, I would not have gone in. I would've went back another time.

I then told her how I really want to take the time to think about everything. I need to be absolutely sure that whatever I decide, it's going to be the right decision. For me, for the kids, and even for H. It's been extremely difficult to deal with, but I have to get through it, and I have to be 100% sure about my choice.

She was nodding as if to say that she understood, but her facial expression was one of disagreement. Rather, disapproval. Whenever I made a point, she replied with a "Yes, but..." or "I know, but...". That does not help me.

After she seemed to finally realize that I wasn't going to go about this the way she would like, my mom commanded with one finger up, "Ok. But if H moves back in, all I ask is one thing. He is to come here and sit down to have a talk with (stepdad) and me." That's not asking; that's ordering. And WTH??? Is H a child? Does he need a talking to??? Geez.

I had to quite literally bite my tongue; that REALLY irked me. Took me a sec but I calmly said, "Well, Mom, I can tell you right now that's not going to happen, especially if this is how you're going to react to him. With anger." She said no, that she wasn't going to act angry towards him. I said, "But it's present in your voice, and above everything else, it shows on your face." She said well ok. She is angry. She's upset that H has taken so long and he's caused a lot of pain for me and the kids, but she won't act angry towards H. She just wants to tell him that he will have to be a part of this family the same way my BIL's are.

Another order.

I said yes, I know that, and H knows it, too. But it will have to be when HE'S ready. Not when SHE wants it to happen.

Again, she gave me another nod as if she understood, but I know what she was really thinking. I was wrong; She was right.

She let out a disappointed sigh, kind of gave me a hug, and said, "Ok, whatever you decide. We love you and the boys and only want what's best for you and them.....THINK REALLY HARD." Then she pretty much pushed me out the door without saying goodbye.

Got in my car, drove away, and I started to cry. I called one of my sisters to talk about what just happened with me and our mom, but she couldn't really talk (she was busy with her family). She just told me to do whatever I wanted to do; it's my life. She knows that our mom is harder on me than she is with the rest of my sisters, and that's probably because I lived with her while growing up (I have 3 half sisters (but I call them my sisters) - all are from my mom's 1st M - and they remained with their dad when my mom D'ed him. I'm from my mom's 2nd M). She said it's as if Mom wants to maintain control over my life since she couldn't with my sisters.

Well I knew she was busy, so I told my sister thanks and let her go.

I was pretty upset about this. Why couldn't my mom just listen? For once, why couldn't she do that instead of telling me how I should deal with things? All I wanted was support and understanding, but I can't ever seem to get it with my mom. It's like she wants to give me her two cents, and then some, and if I don't see it her way, then I'm wrong.

I was still crying, and I was a mess. At that point, I knew there was no way I was going to go to work looking and feeling the way I did. So I called H and told him I wasn't going to be able to make it to his soccer game on Sunday. He could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong and why not. I told him I just had an unavoidable talk with my mom, but that I didn't really want to go into any details. I told him I was a bit of a wreck, and I was going to spend the rest of the day getting myself together and trying to relax. I would take care of work on Sunday instead. I said I was sorry, but I had too much on my mind and needed to work through it. I really needed some me-time, BIG time.

H said he was disappointed but understood. He asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the day. I said I didn't know. I would probably go back home and take a long hot bath, then maybe go for a mani/pedi. I was due for one, and I needed the stress relief. After that, I would probably do some windowshopping. I really enjoy simple things like that.

H said that sounded really good, and if I wanted, to go ahead and buy myself something nice. A new outfit, some shoes, whatever. Just something nice I wanted to get for myself. I thanked him and told him I really appreciated that. Then we said bye to each other.

About 30 minutes later, one of my other sisters called me. She said, "Hey, what's up?" I told her not much and asked if our other sister had called her. She said yes. I said, "My goodness, how word travels fast!" We both laughed, and she told me our other sister left her a voicemail to call and talk with me. So we did for about 45 minutes, and she said I just needed to do whatever I wanted and not listen to our mom, who should realize that I'm an adult, and this is my life. She shouldn't try to tell me what to do or how to do it.

My sister said it sounds like I want to be sure that I've done everything possible to save my M before going through with the D, and that's what's most important. I agreed. Our mom has dealt with her past R's very differently. If her H didn't do as she wanted or felt he should, then she went right out the door or she was packing his suitcase for him. Everything with our mom seems like it has to be immediately final so she can have her closure.

Anyway.

H called me later in the evening to see how I was doing to which I answered much better! My bath felt so good, and the mani/pedi had worked its magic ! I said I was on my way to the mall. He said cool, then asked, again, if I had thought about everything some more. I asked H, again, to please just let it be. Don't worry; just give me the time I asked for. He said ok, he was sorry.

H called 2 more times last night, but I didn't answer either call. He called me this morning and asked why I didn't call him back. I said he didn't ask for me to call him back; I just thought he was calling to let the kids say goodnight (they left me a voicemail). He then told me about how horrible his night was. He didn't sleep well - had too much on his mind. I said that must have sucked; sorry to hear it. He said he really wished that I would go to his game. Again, I told him I was sorry, I would've liked to have gone, but circumstances changed. I had to take care of work now. He said alright and he would see me around 4:30pm when he brought the kids back home.

So 4:30 comes and they get here. We talked about how their night and day with H went, and the boys said they had lots of fun. After they ran off to play in their rooms, H asked the question again.

So here's what I've decided:

As I discussed with my sister, I want to be absolutely certain that I have done everything I possibly could to save my M. So although I said in my very first post that I didn't want to do this, I am going to ask for a continuance. That will give H approx. 8 weeks to SHOW me he wants this M, and I can handle 8 weeks much better than having to wait another 4 - 6 months if I were to completely stop the D and refile again. I told H that if 4, 5, 6 weeks go by, and still nothing, there will be no more chances. That will be it. (Uh oh, sounding like my mother there! )

H hugged me several times and gave me a little kiss before he left for work. He said I won't regret this and that he is going to start moving his things back in this week. We will see.

[karen43]

GF, the continuance sounds like a wonderful idea! You won't be in limbo for another 4-6 months, yet I know you didn't want to feel that you hadn't given the marriage every chance and this will be doing that. And you told H this will be his last chance so if he doesn't make any changes, hopefully that can give you the closure that you need and didn't yet have! Do you feel happy about this b/c it sounds like it was a good decision? Karen

[GoingForward]

Thanks, Karen! I believe this decision was the best one to make at this point.

Do you feel happy about this b/c it sounds like it was a good decision?

I would say I am comfortable with this decision. I am happy that I'm giving my children as well as my M another chance, but I'm still wary of the sitch.


Little update:

I went to the courthouse earlier today to request the continuance, but unfortunately, since I have an ATTY already, they told me I would have to have him handle it tomorrow (I don't need to be there). Figures. Guess I could've just fired him, but then again, if H and I do end up going to court in 8 weeks, I will need the ATTY's services. He's already got the retainer, and if I had to hire a new ATTY, that would mean more money to dish out. Definitely want to avoid that!

I also sent this e-mail to my 3 sisters and my mother:

Good morning!

After much thought, I've decided to ask for a continuance. I want to be absolutely certain that I have given my marriage, as well as my boys, every possible chance for success. My reality, my belief is that divorce is not to be taken lightly. It is not that simple to just turn the other way and end it. If I didn't have children, then it might be different, but that's not the case here. They deserve every chance possible to have normalcy in their lives; the kind that comes from an intact, loving family. The kind their mother and father should and can provide for them together.

A continuance will give (H) approx. 8 weeks to SHOW me that he truly wants this marriage and to be back with his family. I can handle 8 weeks. It's better than completely taking the divorce off-calendar and having to wait another 4 to 6 months for another court date if things don't work out the way (H) assures me they will.

I'm sorry if anyone doesn't agree with this, but it is my life, my marriage, my boys.

I love you all and everything you do for me.

Each one of my sisters e-mailed me back sending their love and support. They respect my decision, and my oldest sister said she admired how strong I am and how well I've handled everything, despite other's opinions. I believe she was referring to our mom.

My mom e-mailed back with, "So, when is (H) moving back in then?"

I e-mailed her back and said, "Let me worry about that, Mom."



I have to pick up my boys now. Thanks again, Karen! Hope everyone's having a great day!

[karen43]

I can see how your mom would be annoying GF, but she does also sound like she really does love you and want the best for you too which is nice! Your family sounds very loving and supportive which is great! I'm very happy for you, GF!!!! Karen

[GoingForward]

Thank you again, Karen!

As you can tell, I have R issues with my mom. I know she loves me and wants the very best for me. I know that, and I respect and love her so much for it. However, I didn't exactly have the greatest childhood. Who does, right? But there were things that occurred in mine which have unfortunately left me with anger and resentment towards my mom. I don't blame her for things that happened, but I have issues with how she chose to deal with them.

I do not dwell on this. The past is the past. It's only when she shows her disappointment and/or disapproval towards my choices that I become annoyed.

I should add that in my mom's e-mail she also asked, "Are you sure I don't need to take tomorrow off?" She was originally going to watch the boys for me while I went to court. Asking this after telling her about the continuance was almost as if she was trying to make me rethink my decision.