As you all can obviously see, I've been away for a while - and there is A LOT going on. I'll do my best to spare you all the details, but here are the highlights.....
* On Christmas, after my wife and I had a decent level of contact throughout December (in violation of the temp restraining order), I called to see how the kids day went (they were with me until the previous night). W got on the phone, and meekly told me that she wants the two restraining orders to go away and that she will start the process. Can't tell you how happy this made me.
* Shortly after New Years, W told me on the phone that she changed her mind and that she wants the two TROs to stay in place. Ugh....
* In mid-January, the temporary restraining order that was put in place by the District Attorney (because I violated the original TRO, so now I was under two of them) was made permanent for three years. It is a complete no contact order. The only thing it allows is for a peaceful exchange of the children. I was not to email, call, sent a note, nothing. Essentially, my children's parents were to not speak or communicate ANYTHING until 2011. My attorney even informed me that simply giving her a check, placed in our kids backpack, would violate the order. Essentially, my wife screwed herself with this. This was on a Friday.
* The following Monday, on my attorney's advice, I applied for and was granted a TRO against my wife based on the fact that I fear that she is going to contact me and get me to violate the order. She had come to my house a couple times (to drop things off) without me knowing, and I can't risk this. My attorney said that if she tricked me into violating the order, I'd go to jail for a minimum of 60 days and that the court would grant her immediate full custody of the kids. I'd be lucky to visit them one hour per week in a supervised conference room. OK, so now we have three restraining orders. Perfect......
* Starting in December, W and I have been attending court-ordered co-parent counseling, except we don't go together, we do it individually. Twice the cost and a quarter of the effectiveness.
* Sunday, Feb. 10th, I get a call on my phone from D8's cell phone. It's Ss10 who tells me "mommy needs to talk to you, so don't hang up. S6 is hurt and needs to go the the emergency room" My heart sinks. W gets on the phone, somewhat frantic, tells me S6 fell over and hit his head on the sharp corner of a DVD player and is gashed and bleeding all over the place. She called the ER already and they said to bring him in, but it's most likely not a terrible emergency, even though there's a lot of blood. S6 is alert, not crying, and now playing a game. She wants me to take him to the ER, I tell her I'm about 20 miles away but will get there right away. D8 calls me ten minutes later to say that they are taking him and to meet at the hospital. W is cordial to me there, and after his is initially examined, they think he's fine and want the doctor to look at him, but it will be a while. I tell W to take the other two home (it's getting late) and I'll handle this. She goes and gets me and S6 some dinner, which I was somewhat surprised when she got my chicken sandwich prepared the way I prefer. Small things, right? S6 was fine - didn't even need a staple or stich. Hard headed, like his dad.
* A few weeks later, on Valentines Day, I went to pick up D8 and S6 from school. It was a day off for them, but D8 called me earlier in the day to say mommy was taking them to the school for me to pick them up at 3:00. I told D8 to make sure mommy didn't leave right away because I had a V-day goodie bag for Ss10 (who I hadn't spent any time with in about two months). I walked up to where the kids were, and saw W's car pulling away. So, she couldn't wait and now Ss10 misses out. A few seconds later, to my complete and utter surprise, Ss10 jumps out of the bushes and says he's going to be with all of us this afternoon (D8 and S6 are spending the night) and that I can drop him off at home at 7:30 or so. WOW!!!! Ss10 then tells me that mommy wants him to tell me something, but he said it must be sad because she started crying when she said it. Huh??? Quote from Ss10 "she said she's really tired and wants to turn over the papers". I asked him if that was all, he said yes, and didn't understand what he was saying. The ONLY thing I could take from it was that she's sick of the effects of the restraining orders and wants to "over turn" them. Who knows........
* Took the kids to dinner, we had a lot of fun, and now all three want to watch a movie at my house. It won't get over until around 9:00, so Ss10 calls mommy to see if he can stay later, she says yes, and the other two get on the phone to say good night to her. OKAY - GET THIS: As I'm walking out of the room, Ss10 tries to hand me the phone and says "mommy wants to talk to you". I tell him no and keep walking - he follows me out of the room with a desparate look on his face, and says, "she really needs to talk to you"......continued
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
...... so, I take the phone, and very cautiously just say "yeah". Went a bit like this:
W: (sobbing, almost crying) I can't do this any more. These stupid restraining orders are screwing everything up. We can't even talk about the kids. Me: We shouldn't even be talking about this. I can get in too much trouble. W: So can I. I'm not trying to get you in trouble. All this BS has to stop. Me: I agree. But it's too late for that now. Getting rid of the criminal court RO might not be possible.
blah, blah, blah. We talked for ninety minutes!!!! She agreed to do whatever is needed to get rid of the recent permanent order. We talked, even joked around, about the kids. Not a word was said about the marriage, the divorce proceedings, our relationship, or anything about us. My God, it felt so good to have a conversation with her. Risky, I know.......
* I went to the courthouse the next day and set a court date for about ten days later for us to appear in front of the judge so he could determine if the order could go away.
* A few days after our V-day talk, the hearing was to take place relative to the original TRO from July. She told me she wasn't going to show up, and she didn't. TRO dismissed.
* A few days after that hearing, the hearing on my TRO against her was set. I told her the night before (we were actually speaking almost daily) that I was simply going to show up and request that it be dismissed. I got to court and was waiting to be called, and she showed up, even though she said she wasn't going to. We went before the judge, I requested a dismissal, which was granted, and she never had to say a word. I left without talking to her. Later in the day, she called me about the kids, and I said I was surprised to see her there. She said that she wants to trust me, but something told her to be there to cover herself. I simply said to her that I did exactly what I said I was going to do.
* Last Wednesday was our court date to remove the last of the three orders. So I'm driving down there and W calls me. She isn't feeling good and asked if I would mind picking her up and drive her there. I did, and how weird it was. I haven't been alone with her, or in a car for that matter, in about ten months. We hardly said anything going down there. We got in front of the judge, he asked her several questions (...are you doing this on your own free will, etc..) and then dismissed the RO! No more restraining orders at all!!! Finally. We leave the courthouse, and now she's being friendly, feeling better (it was nerves/stress) and very talkative. She even showed me a cute picture in her purse that D8 drew. It was time to pick up the kids from school, so she suggested we go there together because she needs to use a bathroom, and my house is right across the street. So while she's in there, I went to get the kids (Ss10 is on a three-day field trip). You have no idea how surprised they were to see she and I together, and then I drove them all home.
* The next day, she and I finally have a co-parent counseling session that she agreed to attend with me. I had scheduled it two weeks prior for myself, but after the day before, I asked her if she was interested in coming as well, to which she agreed. Well, it didn't go all too well, mostly because I had a bit of an attitude. In hindsight, it is simple. For the first time in almost a year, after all the pain she put me through, it was just very emotional to be in this setting with her, knowing I can't bring any of it up. I didn't deal with it well. So I called her a couple hours later to see if I was going to pick up Ss10 when he returns from a three-day field trip that evening (my day to have D8 and S6 as well) because it was hinted at in counseling that day that this would be OK, but not resolved. She immediately shows her irritation with the session, saying that I didn't have to attack her like that. I simply said that we disagree on some big issues (she says she will fight me in court if necessary so that I don't get 50% custody). She says she doesn't want to talk to me and hangs up. OK.
* Ne was my day to have the kids. I pick up D8 and S6, and S6 had an envelope with a tooth in it that he finally lost that day at school. He asks if we can come back in a couple hours when mommy is there so he can show her.
* As the kids and I are leaving to go to the school so he can see mommy, she calls me. Her irritation is completely gone, and I thought she was calling me to have me pick up Ss10. She simply called to chat about a parking ticket she just got in front of her house. Was she calling just to chat with me, to hear my voice, to be friendly? What the hell? I tell her that S6 wants to come show her something, she says OK.
* Get to the school, I keep my distance, S6 shows her, D8 hugs her, then the kids go off to play with all the other kids gathered there to wait for the class to come back from the field trip. I motion for W to come to me (she's by others) and when she does, I tell her "I think things could have gone better today at counseling, and that next time I intend to do better and be more productive" - no apology, or admission that I did anything wrong - She seemed a bit surprised that I said this and was OK with it. I asked her if I am taking Ss10 to dinner the other kids and me, and she said she will see if he's hungry. I said "he's a ten year old boy, he's always hungry" and she gave me a little smile. Then she said "well, I'm hungry too". HUH? Is she implying that all of are to go to dinner? I stopped myself from saying anything else. He gets back, and is of course hungry, and W says to me "why don't we all just meet at **** for dinner". WOW! We all get together and had a nice, casual dinner. First time in almost a year! I could tell she felt the same thing I was feeling - this is OK, the kids are enjoying this, and what next. We then go to Coldstone for ice cream, and she is so totally playful with the kids, then she even stood right next to me, her arm brushing mine, and for about a minute, her foot resting up against mine while she was talking to one of the kids. She then takes Ss10 home and I go home with the rest of the clan. .....continued
....so the next day, last Friday. Ss10's is off of school because of the long field trip and he calls me around 2:30 saying he wants to come to my house to get his Playstation and some games. I say I'll pick him up, we'll get the game, and I'll take him home. So I go to pick him up and W comes out with him. Ss10 is kind of down, not feeling too great. Since it's time to pick up the other kids in a bit, she ends up driving to my house with Ss10 (even though it's my weekend to have them) and I follow. He and I find the game while W goes across the street to get the others. I figure she'll take off now with Ss10 and that's it. Well, the kids get playing out front and she and are are chatting and watching them play. For an hour........ All good. The kids want some food from a great Chinese restaurant, but it's too early for dinner. We agree that she will take all three with her, I'll go change clothes and shower (I just went to the gym) and call to see what they want me to pick up for them. BTW, W and I had discussed all the kids staying with her that night, even though they were to be with me, because they hadn't seen their brother in four days and wouldn't see him for three more. Soooooo, I change into some of my snazziest clothes, make it a point to look real good, then pick up the food. The goal was to just drop it off, but I wanted to look good just in case she came out.
Get to her house (small gated community, and I always call from the gate and the kids come out, about forty yards from the house) and call to let them know I'm there. Sure enough, she comes out with D8. I hand her the bags of food and she says that she'll pack up the leftovers and I can get them when I pick up D8 and S6 when they're done eating. OK I say, no problem, and then turn to leave. She then says "well, I could just fix you a plate and you can take it with you now if you're hungry". I tell her that I am hungry, but I can wait - fixing a plate to go is too much of a hassle. I turn to leave again, and here it is.......she says "well, do you want to come in and eat with us?" BINGO!. Mind you, I've never been in her house and she's been there about three months. I tell her that would be nice and in we go.
Have a good dinner with them all, but I can just tell the kids are wondering what the hell is going on. We all make small talk, but I want to get out of there and not overstay the welcome. Get done and D6 says "daddy, come see my room". Then all three kids run upstairs. I ask W if that's OK, and she says "no problem", almost like it is silly of me to even ask. I go up, spend five minutes with them and tell D8 and S6 to grab their stuff so we can go. The W comes up, the kids go back to the video games, and she and I chat for ten or more minutes. Wow..... The we leave.
On Sunday, she called me while the kids and I were at church. She asked if I could bring over a TV stand that I said I'd get for her out of the garage when I was at her house a couple days before. The kids and I go load it up, then W and I carried it up the stairs and get everything set up. Ss10 ends up coming back with us because I had heated the pool to 90 degrees for the weekend. BTW - I've been staying in my "big house" while the other house is getting some remodel and paing work done. I end up taking him home at around 7:00, and even though the other two were to be with me until this morning, she and I agreed that they should just stay with her last night since it was already almost their bedtime, they were in the PJ's and had a bath at my house, plus I told her that they were all enjoying each other so much I didn't want to be selfish.
* Brief chat with her today about Ss10's upcoming b-day, some money stuff, and kids dentist appointment. Unfortunately, she had a bit of an attitude on me selling an investment house a few weeks ago and doesn't believe that I received no proceeds from it (lousy real estate market). I tell her I'll get her a copy of the contracts and closing statements, but she says I probably had them "fixed". Okay, this isn't good, so I tell her I'm sorry she doesn't trust me, but the papers don't lie. I get off the phone as fast as I can.
That's where it all is...........
My goal: She's not going to get any pursuit from me, nor any bad attitudes and I'm only going to be friendly and full of smiles.
My goal: She's not going to get any pursuit from me, nor any bad attitudes and I'm only going to be friendly and full of smiles.
I think you are doing great! I remember conversations a few months ago where you were simply unable to 'control yourself' and would react to her by saying or do things that pretty much got you in hot water.
Now, you are 'Da Man'.
Do you see that she doesn't trust you right now because YOU allowed HER to cast YOU into the role of adversary by constantly reacting to her craziness?
Whether or not your marriage is 'saved', by continuing to keep doing what's working you'll at least be assured of having less chance of the crazy stuff happening any more. It's YOU who can keep the 'peace' by staying the rock. In the end you and your kids will be better off.
And so will she.
I'm hoping to learn from this myself. If you can 'not react' to her in these circumstances than I can in mine.
You are doing a GREAT job, Dad. Okay, so counselling didn't go so well, but everything else sounds positive.
Now, in keeping with the solution orientation of the bb...what are you going to do in therapy to make it go better?
I remember one poster a long, long time ago (when I first started), saying that she made notes of what she wanted to say, and on every second line, she wrote: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I thought that was funny, but also a very good idea. I'm a great believer in bringing notes to therapy.
Keep up the good work!
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
