I went back to being nice to H. Not overly nice, not obviously trying - just nice. I'm not mad at him for anything, I just feel like we have no R whatsoever. He returns the gesture in his own way. This time I was asking about some computer stuff again. He said he'll look for the programs I'm looking for and give me something I need from the office because they're not using it there. He's said it before but doesn't follow through.
The boys and I leave this weekend to see my parents. H hasn't offered to send us to the airport. I know better than to expect him to offer, but it would be really nice of him if he would. Unlikely.
I was around the area where his new apt is. Drove around to desensitize myself. The area is cr@p and not a place I would ever imagine H to live. Overcrowded with sleazy bars (and people) everywhere. Nothing like where he grew up. He doesn't fit in (or maybe he does). I wonder if he ever gets tired of his new life.
I've been praying more for my situation. I figure I have nothing to lose. I had hoped it would bring me some peace, but instead I find myself more troubled. I'm suffering from insomnia and getting more confused about what it is I should do. When I do sleep, I often dream about H. Mostly it brings me a feeling that he's back to being his normal self and we are able to work through this...which gives me the tiniest bit of hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.
Can't believe I'm only a few months away from hitting 2 years of S, and still with no end of A in sight.
