MMO: I, too, fully agree with what you have written. I wrote similar things myself after I finally moved over here a few years ago. I was on MLC forum every day for at least 3 years! We were not all in the same marriage or married to the same person. Every one of our situations has similarities but also differences. It is not all "cookie cutter" and there is no one single right answer for everyone except that we each need to figure out how to do what is best for ourselves and our children, maintain our homes and lifestyle the best that we can and deal with our situations in the best way we can.
I found that a lot of advice I got was to become passive. I have NEVER been passive but I really did try. And I got walked all over by my ex. I was nice - he was still nasty.
I do believe in MLC. I do not believe that it is quite the state of total "insanity" that some of us were led to believe. My ex behaves near insane a lot of the time but I think more of it comes from his own insecurities and especially from his defensiveness.
As for "standing" - after a long time of separation, no movement, further abuse. Why would anyone want to stand for that? Why would anyone WAIT? Believe that they are going to get the miracle that no one else did? I bought into that bigtime too and when I found out no one else around me had saved their marriage, it was a HUGE letdown for me. I was sure I would be "the one". Now I'm so glad I wasn't.
There are good reasons to try to save your marriage and your family. Those are likely the reasons most of us came to the bb in the first place. But I do feel that DB held me back from moving forward more quickly and by that I do not mean "dating". Dating is something totally different. I mean "healing". Some people may never want to be with another person again. It doesn't mean they didn't heal, it is just a choice.
Coming to Surviving was refreshing. There is not the pressure here to be someone you're not. We all know we didn't manage to save our "M"s but none of that is seen as a failure. We all are successes in our own right.
Anyway, your post was right on and I'm so glad so many people recognize that.
