Thank you Pam, it always surprises me when someone tells me they've "known" me here for years.
Yes, I know... I guess it is to be expected, as when you look at how many people read a thread in relation to how many post, well, the numbers are always way off. I do have my "favorites" that I read~ some because they are really awesome people who I admire (you're in that category, as well as Lissie), some because I think I can offer help in some way, and some because (I'm going to be honest here) they are such train wrecks that I am curious to see what is going to happen next. Those shall remain nameless.
I have to comment on your thought provoking post. I could not agree with you more. I also believe there is such a thing as MLC, but just like ADD and ADHD it is overly used to explain away bad behavior that usually came as the result of no boundaries. It kills me when people go to the MLC board saying stuff like "My h is only 28, but he hates his job and is seeing another woman. Is it MLC?" Inevitably people will respond with, "that most definitely sounds like MLC."
WTF?
Maybe there should be a forum titled "Dickishness." That is really most of the problem!
I too wonder about the efficiency of DB at times, especially when I started to feel like a stepford wife, always agreeing and validating. Ugh. I kept thinking in my head, "when do I get to be happy?" I see the value in "loving the unlovable," but when it makes you feel like a doormat I think its time to shut that one down. Sometimes one cannot change a marriage, and people should not be made to feel like if they just tried harder or tried some other technique that could be the magic key.
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I just hate to see the same people I started here with 2 years ago still clinging onto the desperate hope their husband or wife will snap out of it and come have a lovely supper with them some day. It's maddening! These are the people that continue to cycle in and out of deep depression. These are the people who continue to drag their children through the hell of separation because they cannot move on with their life and accept the reality of the here and now. There are no winners in those situations and it pains me so much to see their perennial suffering.
Hear, hear. I just wanted to put that back up here. SO well put!
I love that you put all this out there. If it makes only one person rethink a few things it was more than worth it.
MMO: I, too, fully agree with what you have written. I wrote similar things myself after I finally moved over here a few years ago. I was on MLC forum every day for at least 3 years! We were not all in the same marriage or married to the same person. Every one of our situations has similarities but also differences. It is not all "cookie cutter" and there is no one single right answer for everyone except that we each need to figure out how to do what is best for ourselves and our children, maintain our homes and lifestyle the best that we can and deal with our situations in the best way we can.
I found that a lot of advice I got was to become passive. I have NEVER been passive but I really did try. And I got walked all over by my ex. I was nice - he was still nasty.
I do believe in MLC. I do not believe that it is quite the state of total "insanity" that some of us were led to believe. My ex behaves near insane a lot of the time but I think more of it comes from his own insecurities and especially from his defensiveness.
As for "standing" - after a long time of separation, no movement, further abuse. Why would anyone want to stand for that? Why would anyone WAIT? Believe that they are going to get the miracle that no one else did? I bought into that bigtime too and when I found out no one else around me had saved their marriage, it was a HUGE letdown for me. I was sure I would be "the one". Now I'm so glad I wasn't.
There are good reasons to try to save your marriage and your family. Those are likely the reasons most of us came to the bb in the first place. But I do feel that DB held me back from moving forward more quickly and by that I do not mean "dating". Dating is something totally different. I mean "healing". Some people may never want to be with another person again. It doesn't mean they didn't heal, it is just a choice.
Coming to Surviving was refreshing. There is not the pressure here to be someone you're not. We all know we didn't manage to save our "M"s but none of that is seen as a failure. We all are successes in our own right.
Anyway, your post was right on and I'm so glad so many people recognize that.
Althea, CNMN, Barb, I'm giving you all a standing ovation!!!
I sucked at DBing!!! I could not be a doormat and validate, agree, act as if. Yes, it was such a painful time, but, I never bought into the MLC as an excuse for bad behavior. Like Althea said, I felt like I had a MLC at one time also. However, I didn't lie, sneak and cheat. I changed my hair, started working out and bought a bunch of new clothes, for crying out loud!!!
Yes, what's happening on the MLC board is awful. Anyone thinking they're done "standing" gets hit with multiple 2x4's. Thing is, we all need to "stand" for ourselves and our kids.
