Hey everybody, after last weeks blow up I decided I needed a break. I feel I've been on a tightrope for the last year and a half, 60 feet up, in a very high wind with huge shards of glass on the the ground to break my fall. . . a huge amount of stress. So, after Sat night's blow up, Sunday's remorse, Monday's distance, H calls on the phone, all kinds of happy and talks like there's nothing wrong. He comes over and hangs out with the kids, is mildly pleasant to me, eats his dinner and heads out the door. I kept my composure but I figured I really need a break. I mean, 3 days before I think he would have pushed me down the steps! Not pretty. . .
I called him minutes later and told him that I really needed some seperation for awhile. . .a couple weeks of him not being around so much. . . I said that we were in an unnatural situation and I just needed some breathing room. I also said that this was my life that he CHOSE to walk away from and it wasn't fair that he got to waltz in and out of it whenever he wanted to while at the same time denying me access to his life.
He said that he wanted to be able to see the kids whenever he wanted and I said that I wanted that, too, but that for the next couple of weeks he needed to stay away a little more. I also told him that if he wanted to come for dinner a couple of times then that was fine but that I wanted to know when he was coming. I said that we could try it out for a couple weeks and see if it was working for him and for me and the kids.
He said he was willing to respect that for the time being.
This was on Tues. He calls me Wed, very hesitant, to "not" ask what we're doing for dinner. . .I said tacos. . . we hung up and because I'm WEAKKKKKK, I called him back a few minutes later and said that if he wanted to come to dinner we could use his help to push a bale in. He said he had already started something. Thurs he calls to see if he can come over and I said yes. Fri he calls me at work (my late night) and offers to make dinner. I said that the kids and I were eating out with friends but that if he wanted to make dinner Sat night that would be great. I again, in my weakness, called him back and told him that we would be home by 8:30 and if he wanted to stop by and see D we would be there. He said that he could do that now. I guess he did but the girls were already gone and my son and his friend were getting ready to take off to meet the rest of us. Anyway, he didn't show up after dinner. I didn't hear anything from him until Sat late afternoon when he calls to see if we have anything planned. I said that something would have to be done and he offered to make dinner. He came, he made and ate the he left. His Dad stayed to play Scat but he left.
Sun we grilled out for the first time in months and I invited him and his Dad for that. They both came and H sat at the table and finished up some tax stuff and was grumpy and grumbly about that. . .he's afraid we might have to pay this year.
Anyway, in closing I would like to say that I am totally clueless on how to progress from here. We had seemed to be making some progress over the last few months, but when we would have blow-ups or backslides they seemed to be more extreme each time. But the times in between would be a little more comfortable and a little more intimate.
I know the man is not out tomcatting around. He works, he goes to yoga and works out (where he has informed me that he is always on the lookout for a future partner. . .not someone he wants to just F**k, but a soul mate love of his life type of thing) and he spends time at our house. i know he still has some contact with EA, although the scuttlebutt is that she may have moved on to another victim which may be the reason for some of his grumpiness. . .
