Being OW

[saffie]

I'll look at The Doctors Wife. I didn't like A wedding In Decmber particularly - she has written much better books.

If you have the time and you still have my email I would love a list of good reads - I am always on the look out for a good book.

You description of OW sounds so familiar to my sitch too. Have you managed to let go of your OW feelings a bit now?

[karen43]

I've been doing a lot of thinking this weekend (the kids were out of town), and I believe that the OW has been influencing my H in his opinions about things. For example, we pulled my son out of school 7 years ago when he was having a horrible time after several years of trying to make school work but not being able to. He is dyslexic/autistic and my younger daughter is as well, so I am homeschooling both (I have a teaching degree). Since he started the affair and wants a divorce, H now wants to put both kids in public school, which is what OW's kid's attend.

What is ridiculous, is H wasn't able to make it in public school - he wound up having to attend a special school for the learning disabled until high school, and his mother also had a terrible time in public school as well and was traumatized (she says) as she is dyslexic as well. But suddenly after being supportive for 7 years, he now feels our kids will be fine in public school.

I believe this is because of OW talking to him and saying divorce will be great: we can put the kids into public school which will be great for them socially, and I can work full time which will be great for me to get out of the house, which is what he is telling me now. She has no idea of what she is talking about as we had tried before and it just didn't work out. I was tutoring my son for hours and he still couldn't do the work, they wanted to retain him when he is already a head taller than the other kids, was crying every day, having stomach aches at school, etc. It just burns me up that he is being influenced by her like this I believe. Karen

[runningoutoftime]

Karen,
They just want to reduce the amount of child support/alimony you'd receive. Your husband is thinking 100% about himself and his finances and validating it with the whole social cr@p arguement (as if special ed teachers are educated in how to actually teach children with dyslexia! Very few know anything about Orton-Gillingham based methods. Also, not every school has an effective autism/asperger's program!!!).

Whatever you do. Do NOT make any changes at this point. (I believe any divorce attorney would recommend that). Please make sure that if you do go into divorce you get the very best attorney and fight to get what your children will need to help ensure their emotional well-being as best as possible. I have special needs kids too, and that was the one area I was prepared to battle for.

EDITED, EMAIL ADDRESS NOT ALLOWED

But a friend recently gave me a huge bag of books she just finished . My favorite from it so far is "The Memory Keeper's Daughter."

[BEAUTYandWAH]

I really think OW is big part of my R w/H. H hungs around my house, with me and kids alot so.. I think he enjoy being with us. Why OW... because she is the ONLY person he can talk about dark secrets/stupid things/whatever of his life. H does not have therapist, friends and family whom he can talk to. When H feels outsider of the family, friends.. OW is the only one on his side. They are isolated and they support each other while I, kids and all the family are waiting for him to open up and come to us.

Beauty

[runningoutoftime]

Time for you to ask impersonal questions, listen, listen, listen, don't talk about yourself, validate everything he says, never criticize, never blame, agree with everything (even the stupid, crazy stuff that you really don't agree with)... and just let him talk.

[BEAUTYandWAH]

Root,
I am writing it down on my 'to do' list. One thing H wanted in the marriage was attention. So, I think what you said is very important thing to do. THANK YOU-

[JoieDeVivre]

Saffie/ROOT,
Read this one last summer and it was VERY good. About 4 women who get a chance to go back and change time...
The Summerhouse by Jude Deveraux

Joie

[saffie]

Thanks Joie - I shall go check that one out too.

root - I'll email you later

[Sugar and Spice]

MichelleLT, you have hit the nail on the head. An A that starts out as "Just Friends" is the worst kind. My H and the OW started out that way and now the feelings are the hardest part for him to figure out. If it had just been a PA without any emotions, that would have been a no brainer. This way, its WAY more complicated than it needs to be.

[runningoutoftime]

Grumpyeby,
You are right. That book explains it very well. I find sometimes it helps for me to imagine myself in the same place. I can well imagine how confused and difficult it would be. (Both my husband's affairs were EA's. The second a PA/"exit affair").

Joie,
I'll look for that book as well (Hey, maybe I have it in my bag of books!!!).

Saffie,
I'll look for your email. My daughter recently recommended "Into the Wild" to me, and she recently read "Fight Club" and liked it quite a bit as well.