Again, I am touched by all these remarks. And honestly it is what keeps me hopeful. When I realized that my unhappiness came from me, I did apologize and went into some depth, but I have been limited because my acknowledgement of this and attempt to work on our MR came literally at the same time as he opened his heart to the OW. It was actually strange because he had gone away for the weekend snowmobiling and it was that weekend that I was home thinking of how I would approach him with my feelings. When he came home I noticed a huge change in him, I suppose mostly because my words had little effect on him and that came as a surprise. Later that week I found out through mutual friends that same weekend I was home reconsidering he had the OW express an interest in him. It's so frustrating because I had been thinking about what I wanted to do for several weeks and didn't want to approach him until I knew exactly what i wanted. My H has always been very considerate of me and was even going to cancel his plans that weekend because my schedule was busy and he felt guilty. So I felt his emotional presence until he met OW and since then he has grown more and more distant from me. Actually telling me that he is finally thinking of himself first. This week I am discovering through this network and reading the importance of doing what is right for me and that does feel good. I still believe deep in my heart that I should be with my H and I also find it hard not to snoop. He has no idea of what I know about the OW. But each time I find out more it just hurts me so hopefully i can stop this. So you know the OW women is from what I have found out blonde and the life of the party. Needing to be the center of attention, quite flirtatious and im sure admiring my H quite a bit who is also attractive. He has friends that I have never met that he snowmobiles with that are also feeding his ego....WOW he is the man to them to have this OW interested in him. This is not easy to complete with. I am not an unattractive women and when I took my space and would be out occassion I would have man express interest in me, but it sound as if this OW is sexier than me...and we have not been intimate for almost a year and infrequently prior. I also had made little attempts to be sexy because I wasnted happy either......I can be sexy I know. I am worried that my H is actually going to be hurt by this OW, she doesn't sound very caring. alittle self centered...but I have been that way somewhat with out giving my H the respect and admiration he deserves. I just hope he sees the difference and can find his way back in the meantime, I will remain strong but just softer than I normally am. Positive, cheerful and playful with our children and hope he realizes what he will be missing out on.
Truly cant thank everyone enough for letting me vent here and offering me feedback. It has given me more than I could express in words.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Listen, I hear your intimidation loud and clear! You have got to stop that right now. He chose you out of all the women he knew to marry and he has a child with you and he has a history with you. If this OW is what you think she is, she won't stay with him long b/c she will want more attention from more than one man. Your H just happens to be the new guy on the block right now is why she is giving him the time of day. The sooner your H discovers that she is self-centered and wants to have attention on her all the time, he will tire of that and go back to your warm arms. He knows he can find honesty with you.
Honey, you need to talk to somebody or read something to help your own self esteem right now. And the advice to do this for yourself is so true! It has to be for you and nobody else for it to last. Only when we feel good about ourselves are we any good for anyone else. I know that from my own experiences. It has been proven over and over again in my own life. So, go to work girl!
We care about you, so keep coming back, ok?
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So I have been making every attempt I can at remaining upbeat and positive when H is home. This is hard because as I am sure most of you understand what I really want to do is throw all his clothes on the front lawn and burn them....just kidding..sort of! What i do find difficult is know that he is on the coach downstairs on the phone with her. I can't hear but he is on the phone in the evening hours (9-10PM) and he normally would never be. I truly find that really disrespectful. But I ignore this.
I came home thursday and made plans with his daughter (she's 11 and we have her every other weekend) to go sledding. we had a great time and H was around and could see us having fun. That night at dinner he seemed realy quiet and actually went upstairs at one point in our bedroom and was crying in the dark. WHen I found him upstairs, I asked him if he was okay and he said...no...I told him that I was sorry he was sad and if he wanted to talk I was here to listen and he said he would be okay. That surprised me because I have not seen any emotion from him like this since the OW...prior to OW and while I was taking my space and had withdrawn from him...his crying would be more frequent. SO I have no idea why he was upset. Could be anything. OW would made him sad....guilt about us made hime sad....his daughter having fun with me and him thinking of leaving us and knowing that I wouldn't see her as much could of made him sad. I just don't know.
I made it through the weekend with continued energy and cheerfulness...playing with our 4 year old and his daughter. I did notice somewhat that he may have been a little sad that the kids were with me having a great time. I'm not sure if he felt left out...but we were always in the same room and he was around. I felt bad and Saturday morning when the kids were still sleeping I told him that I noticed he had been sad and although I wasn't sure why, that I cared about how he felt. I said that I was planning on doing something with a girlfriend for a couple of hours that afternoon and that would give him some time with the kids. I know that he has felt guilty because almost every weekend he is gone snowmobiling or with OW, who conventiently lives near where he snowmobiles. SO i ended the conversation with I care about his feelings and hoped to help if I could (assuming again that his sadness may be because of the kids)
As I was getting up to go back up stairs he said I could help with something and if he could leave on sunday and be gone for a couple of days that would be helpful. (we both know that meant he wanted to see OW....) but I never acknowledge that...and I just said if thats what he wanted to do that was up to him...I would be fine! (But i am not inside...i am really upset)
Throughout that saturday and today he was much nicer...folding the clothes...more talkative..in the same room as me more...more conversation about stuff...actually mentioned to me twice yesterday that I didn't need to leave if I wanted to stay around the house with them. I told him that I appreciated him saying that, but I really actually wanted to go with my girlfriend for a couple of hours and that I would be back around dinner. He even wanted all of us to go out for dinner that night.
Today he was more of the same...nice and thoughtful of me and even lingered a little when he was leaving to go to OW house only alittle thought.....so what does this mean?
Am I planting seeds and creating good memories that are maybe giving him doubts...(he continues to see OW...or is he just feeling guilty and being nice makes him feel better. IT;s so hard because I hate being nice and ignoring what he is doing....I feel so disrespected as this continues. This person has even called my house when I am not home and he is not smart enough to erase the Call ID....
Any thoughts or words of advice. I want to stay positive and think that my being nice is working even though it may be VERY small things I am getting in return...
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
I also struggled with those same feelings while my H and I were still living together. I put my foot down about the phone calls and IMs in front of me and my family and told him OW was not allowed in my apt. It not only didn't stop his behavior, it only made him more certain he wanted a D. I wish I'd had DR back then. The things I did only pushed him away and made him run to OW.
I guess all I can say is just focus on the effect you want, and do the things that might get you there. You sound like you are doing amazing even though you are dealing with a whole range of emotions. Gotta love the roller-coaster ride.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Thanks for your advice. I started reading some of your story. I still have lots to read though...so I don't know how things are for you currently. I truly hope that I am lucky enough as some people here and have an opportunity to work on things with my husband again.
I don't believe in divorce like you and feel even more strongly since we have a 4 year old son together and I have a 7 year year relationship with his daughter (she's 11).
I don't think I would be able to DB if I hadn't taken my own space and time for 5 months. Although i never had an affair, I did stay at my friends house for 3 out of 7 days a weeks and went out alot. It took awhile for me to get that I was part of the problem. I don't think my H even knows about DB but his natural style was that way with me while I was going through that. He didn't argue with me, never questioned me...other than maybe twice. Never pushed or pulled at me...just showed sincere care and concern. Made it clear that he wanted to work on things but never made me feel like I was the bad one....In the beginning he did resist more.
I remember wishing that he would fight more...but I don't know what that would of done, because I truly felt that I had no emotion for him and that it would never come back...eventually I came back around on my own and I still pray that it isnt to late. We all know about the OW now!!!! The whole time he never took his wedding rings off...I did and he never said anything to me.....Since the OW became out in the open, he has taken off his ring...CRUSH to me!!!!!!
I am going to really try as we did have something very special. I can see some changes since i have been DBing and I am just going to stay positive and keep talking with everyone here. It has helped me so much.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Try and stay focused on the positive changes and just keep DBing. I am glad you have not given up.
My H also did the same thing with his ring, once I knew about the A he stopped wearing it - claimed it was too tight because of the heat (which is actually plausible considering how hot it was) - but didn't actually come out and say we were getting D until he saw me not wearing mine once (which was and still is very rare - I AM married after all) and then he seemed to take it as confirmation/permission that we were over and quit making any pretenses of hiding anything about the A. Even changed his myspace status from married to in a relationship and put OW #1 on his friends list.
At any rate, I'm babbling. Just trying to say we all understand the pain and you are a wonderful person for trying to make your M work. GL.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
While DBing and being cheerful, playful, positive and working on being happy for me...how the heck do I address things that will inevitably bring on tension in the house.
Example: My H left sunday to see OW (well we don't talk about that, but that is where he is) and doesn't really tell me when he is coming home. I don't want to ask because I am trying to give him space but we still live in the same house and have a 4 year old so I kinda need to know what is going on.
Another example: We still have bills and are financially strapped together. We have not legally separated as of yet H has not filed for divorce. How do I approach money subjects without being controlling. One of the problems in our M is that I have always been controlling with the money....so I am not sure how to appraoch these conversations without being the old controlling me....???????
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
While DBing and being cheerful, playful, positive and working on being happy for me...how the heck do I address things that will inevitably bring on tension in the house.
Example: My H left sunday to see OW (well we don't talk about that, but that is where he is) and doesn't really tell me when he is coming home. I don't want to ask because I am trying to give him space but we still live in the same house and have a 4 year old so I kinda need to know what is going on.
Another example: We still have bills and are financially strapped together. We have not legally separated as of yet H has not filed for divorce. How do I approach money subjects without being controlling. One of the problems in our M is that I have always been controlling with the money....so I am not sure how to appraoch these conversations without being the old controlling me....???????
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Controlling how? Could you give an example of a convo regarding money issues between you and H?
Whatever you have to discuss with H, you will want to pick your words very carefully. Think before you speak and try not to come off as if it's H's fault or that he's the reason why there's a problem, kwim?
Be calm and considerate.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Here is an email that my husband sent to me last night:
"Sorry for everything that is going on.. I know it sucks... I guess especially for you... It is not easy.. I do not want you to feel as though you are carrying the load when it comes to our son. This is why I have been staying at the house as much as i can and especially during the week days so you are not running around too crazy.. On the other hand it is hard some times to be in the house for long stretches (weekend days etc).. Not because I can not stand to be around you.. I do not have any bad feelings or ill will but it is very awkward and unsettling considering the situation.. I have been racking my brain every day trying to figure out a good way to handle this for me and everyone.. I would like to talk about maybe a schedule (not sure that is possible or realistic at this point) but I just want to make sure we are on the same page a much as possible given the situation???
Just a recap...my husband is having an affair that has been going on for about 1 and 1/2 months now. He is continuing to spend more and more time away from the house with OW. We have a 4 year old son. We are in a situation where financially we can not support another living arrangment so until the house sells, which may take some time we are strapped to this house. This has been a blessing for me...I believed it gave me an opportunity to DB and maybe plant seeds of doubt. H is however very wrapped into what he is doing currently with OW and it seems to control his every movement and thought. I even notice increased in patience with our son when he is here. Very out of character because my H has always been a caring sensitive man.
The last thing I want is further separation between us but I know that I can't fight this...he needs to go through this process on his own. I just don't know how to DB and not show anger but care and understanding. We are not on the same page because I don't want this and the awkwardness is because of the decisions he is making. I dont't want to be a door mat and continue to just go with what ever he is asking, but I know that i cant beg or plead him to stay either.
I have no idea what his thoughts are on a schedule, but I know that I am not willing to leave our house and make arrangements to not be here when he is. Plus I am mostly concerned with the effects this is having on our 4 yr old son.
I need advice on how to approach this with him and be fair to my son, myself and to be respective of my H as well.
Please help me with thoughts.
Everyone has been so kind and I truly and at a lost and havent' slept since I received his email.....
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
