Tell him that if he really wants to move out, he'll have to get a job. Actually, he doesn't have to get a job. "You have to get a job" sounds like a controlling statement to me. In my opinion he ought to get a job, but he doesn't have to. But I agree that his feelings must not drive you into financial disaster.
On the other hand, LMG, you may have to face it that some tough changes are coming for you. You may have to sell the house, downsize, get a bettter job for yourself. With his benefits running out, and him not looking particularly excited about supporting you in the future, what are your options?
You have to think of yourself now. You may have to be more self-reliant, financially speaking, for a while. Do you have a plan for this? it may hurt, but it looks like it is what is necessary. You may have to take charge of yourself.
Decide if you think that airing a conflict over money is a good thing right now for your relationship. It may be, it may not be.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
He knows he has to get a job. He's been looking for one. He's not a good-for-nothing at all, just got laid off.
And, no, SPM, of course I have no plan. It never occurred to me that my H would do this. I have no idea how to re-enter the job market. I'm trying to grasp the fact that my H wants to leave me at the moment, trying to believe I am still living on the same planet I once was.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
He knows he has to get a job. He's been looking for one. He's not a good-for-nothing at all, just got laid off.
And, no, SPM, of course I have no plan. It never occurred to me that my H would do this. I have no idea how to re-enter the job market. I'm trying to grasp the fact that my H wants to leave me at the moment, trying to believe I am still living on the same planet I once was.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I'm so sorry about your weekend. I'm reeling myself from mine.
I'm not sure I'd agree to the two of you constantly switching houses either. Could you work out some other sort of 50/50 where you live in your house and he lives in the apt., but he comes over certain days during the kids waking hours while you go do something out of the house?
I don't have much advice I'm afraid. I feel like I will soon be trying to figure out the same things you are.
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
I'm sorry you are facing all this uncertainty in your life right now. I do agree with SPM...you should begin to look out for yourself and the kids. Maybe there are some inexpensive or free classes you could take. Is there a work force center in your town you could check out. We have one here that will help you (for free) write a resume, brush up on your computer skills, learn to dress for success, etc....some of the classes may not suit your needs but there may be one or two that could point you in the right direction.
I think that by taking the initiative to start working things out for yourself, may make H take notice!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
LMG, I'm in the same boat as you in terms of employment. And I didn't mean to imply that your H was a slacker, I meant more that if he *really* *really* wants to move out and your finances are what they are, then he might have to give in order to do that and I think it would be more than reasonable to bring this up to him. Sorry if it was offensive.
SPM, that does come out as controlling and it's an issue my H has with me. I'm seeing it more and more.
PS, hope you're doing better right now.
Last edited by cw68; 03/04/0804:53 AM.
Me: 42/H: 37 T: 10 years/M: 8 D9, S8 Bomb: 7.23.07 Separated: 1.20.08 D Final 3.19.09 Affair started in '05, found out parts in 11/07. They married 11.26.09
I like that you stood your ground with regards to not leaving your home any days of the week. Yes, he does need to reconcile how he is going to deal with his feeling re: what he want's vs what is viable. After all, most of us have to live in the real world.
There are some online (free) classes too. Depending on what your interests are, perhaps that's a way to start.
CW, I was not offended, don't worry. I just didn't want to give the impression that my H wasn't looking for a job because he is. He is going away tomorrow for 5 days to visit his cousin, so we'll revisit the issue when he returns, I guess.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I am just falling apart lately. H is away for 5 days and I haven't called him once. He calls at night to talk to the kids. Today he asked to speak to me and was nice and friendly. He told me to tell the kids he loves them, which hurt because he didn't say he loves me, though he called me "sweetie." I am finding myself jealous of my Ds, how sick is that? H is so loving and affectionate with them and while I of course wouldn't want him not to be, it actually hurts for me to see it sometimes. Especially when he and D11, who looks just like me, curl up and read together on the couch. That's supposed to be ME.
I have been feeling such profound grief these past few days, realizing what my future holds--Xmas without H, summer vacations at my family house without him--so many traditions and things we've done for almost 20 years together and then with the kids. It seems so sad and lonely to think of doing all these things without him--just unbearable. And to know that he can only be happy if I am NOT part of his future--it's just too painful.
I already take ADs and see a therapist, and I have a big support system of friends--but still, I feel on the verge of tears all the time and like someone is searing my heart in half.
I know my H feels horrible about causing me so much pain--so why, then, must he???
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
LMG, Are you seeking help from a solution-oriented therapist? Instead of dwelling on the past, these trained counselors focus on solutions. If you are spending money just to vent, you are not providing yourself a "way out" of this situation. If you over-analyze your marriage, it usually ends in blame, and there's no solutions to work upon.
If you wish, Michele's staff could recommend a counselor in your area. You can e-mail Virginia, or call the 1-800 number on this site for info. The choice is yours.
