Oh, Treese, and I was going to reply on your other post, too.
Sounds like you are trying to make sense of where this nuttiness came from. I went through that, too.
I did come to a place that was more, I guess, rational, for me. I came to an understanding maybe of how it may have happened that my wife took the steps she did, made the decisions she did. And in that I was able to forgive her somewhat. To tell the truth, I have to keep on forgiving, and I'm not really all caught up with her yet on that score. But I'm working on it.
Anyway my understanding of her past, or her as a fragile child who was abandoned, really, by her own father, a child of divorce and a child of an alcoholic, who gave up too much of her childhood... when I understood more of that background, hmm, I don't want to say, it started to make sense, but at least I started to understand it?
Empathy and patience is the thing for me now...
Anyway I'm sorry that you're wrassling with this alligator, trying to make sense of something that isn't sensible at all.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Well, H stopped by unannounced last night at 7, just came in the garage door...scared me actually....said Hi and then went looking for son..and wanted to play cards with him....then went to the kitchen, made himself something to eat, like he still lived there..What??? then got himself a snack...I don't get this..what if he came in and I was with OP, and he walked in on us? See, he knows I won't do that and he knows I want him to come home so he is taking full advantage of the sitch....
H said he stopped by Sat. night but we weren't home...he was doing his moms floor and when he was done he stopped by at 6:00...so why didn't he stay and then take son when we got home...because that would interfere with his night out with the Ho.....He has not taken the kids in 5 weeks, only comes over when it's convenient for him...I'm actually getting used to it although at times I am overwhelmed and get angry at him in my head......then he left at 9:00.
D21 comes home tonight so it will be interesting if he comes around or if he stays away....we'll see....
I am getting closer to believing he will never come home...he is actually loving being away...or it appears he loves it..I wanted to hug him so bad. I feel so much love for him and he feels nothing for me...
venting right now...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
"I am getting closer to believing he will never come home...he is actually loving being away...or it appears he loves it.."
Don't you think for a second that this is all fun and games for him.
Yes, it starts out sounding like it is going to be a wonderful time for them but then they come to the realization (some faster than others) that it is not all that it is cracked up to be.
He is not happy.
Just let him be and stand back, take care of you, the kids, and be kind toward him.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Ya know SF; Sometimes I actually think it is fun for him...I try not to think that but it's hard....but reading your posts is making it a little easier to understand their minds...I am thankful you are posting and letting us know what's going on in their heads...
Maybe his coming by those 3 days in a row even though we weren't home, maybe he was missing something.....
I'm trying not to dwell to much...
Thanks for keeping me in line.....
D21 is coming home tonight so I am looking forward to that and some adult conversation...maybe take her out for a margharita... now that sounds good......
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I cannot say what someone else should really do I can only say based on what I went thru.
I left the door open whereas H could come home any time he wished. He had a key, still does, etc.
I wanted him to know that this was still his home, a place he could eventually come back to.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Everyone i talk to says I need boundries but I want him to feel as though my house is a safe place....I have to say I do like having him there, I just wish it was for me...I didn't say anything about him getting something to eat or making himself at home..after all it is his home also....He has a key and I DON'T want to change the locks because i think that would make him feel as though I'm pressuring him and I don't want to do that...I'm trying to give him his space and let him know I'm there if he wants to talk. It's tough because I miss him terribly...I just want to run up and hug and kiss him but I know I can't....someday though.....
Visits aren't bad, just a little nervous in the beginning..then small talk...it was okay overall..but I do just want to smack him and say, "WAKE UP". LOL
I am being still...even though it's killing me sometimes....I think he's kind of shocked that I don't ask any questions....maybe that's why he comes by more....but still doesn't call...baby steps....
My door will always be open to him...as my friend said the other day.."Treese, I don't know if you'd ever be able to get over your H", you love him too much...and you are the most dedicated wife I have ever met"...only wish my H would see that...
Thanks everyone.
Treese
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Asking him to call first is a reasonable boundary, but that doesn't mean you need to set it. For now, maybe not, as long as you can handle the consequences! I wasn't sure you were last night. But, at least in the short term, setting that boundary would make him angry, or should we say angier. I you can figure out how you can deal with it, I'd leave things as they are. Tomorrow, well, it could be different.
You're right Jeff......things change so quickly....I thought about it and I will leave it for now....I can change my mind also.... I want him to know the door is opened to return someday...
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Treese, I really think that's the best plan for now. If it starts to hurt too much, or makes your interactions too negative, maybe you can think about it again, and perhaps come up with a solution that works for everyone.
