I get that it takes two to tango. But... can one of us be a primary actor, and the other a supporting actor? Can one of us be "leading" the dance while the other follows? I think so.
Stepping away from Tree's situation for a moment, it is absolutely true that in my situation, we both got too busy. It was clearer in retrospect, but I have to say, I saw it even then. But you see I am an optimist. And when I saw my wife doting on the children, using all of her passion and energy on the children, and leaving none for me at the end of the day, week, month... I thought it was just the rhythm of life. We had young kids, what did I expect a mother to do? And in fact this is what my wife told me, too. So I was waiting it out, being more a father than a husband, joyous in my family, yet still remembering the love of my life - still intending to re-connect with my wife. My timeframe was in years, not weeks or months. I was very much looking forward, in some ways, to the times when my kids would be in school, when they'd need less immediate attention, when my wife and I could re-connect. I was happy with what I had but still looking forward to the good times to come. The way you can enjoy working during the week, but still look forward to the weekend. The way you can enjoy skiing in the winter yet still look forward to sunshine in the summer.
Ok, there was most definitely something missing, if my wife was able to run off with my best friend every morning - she was able to kiss me goodbye, tell me she was going for a run, and then go off and meet him and have sex. There was something missing in our lives, I get that. But it is possible that the "something missing" was really a ticking bomb in her all along? Is it possible that I was mainly guilty of being inattentive or unskilled, unaware that her childhood would come back to haunt her? and us?
I thought we were in our marriage together. I thought she and I shared a commitment, and when the going got tough (whatever the test) we would pull together. I thought she'd complain to me if she wasn't happy, just as I would complain to her if I were unhappy. But that didn't happen. I did complain to her, at times. I shared with her my experience as a young father. I told her about the joy and sadness I felt - I was so happy with our young family but I missed my solo relationship with her. I told her this, and we recognized it then, as just one of those intractable problems. you work through it. There's no getting around the fact that we wanted a family, and that meant less couple time. I was ok with it. I adjusted. It's common for new fathers, eh?
But now she is throwing that back and me and saying "you were never happy" and "you never supported me". It's as if I am not allowed to be anything other than blissful the entire time I Was with her. Any expression I made in the past that I was unhappy, or looking forward to a time when things would be different (let's say, looking forward to not having to change diapers), is now proof that I Was never happy.
Look, it wasn't like that.
I'm feeling a little defensive about my own situatin, and obviously I realize Zebra, that you were not talking directly to me. But I am very frustrated with the ... "it takes two to tango" cliche. Of course it does. And when I learned of the crisis in my marriage I was ready to go to work on it. But by that time she had checked out completely.
It takes two to tango - you could look at that a couple ways. If you think of the tango as "mess up the marriage", there may be some truth to the saying. But the reverse is perhaps more true - it really only takes one person to destroy a marriage. Only one. It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to screw it up.
None of this refutes what you wrote, Z, about building a new relationship. I still think you are right on, about all that.
ok, enough. sorry for the diversion. . .
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
