Worried I found DB too late

[cw68]

Thanks dry_heat. I guess you're right. I have to say that most of the progress is because of DBing. Part of it, I'm sure is him getting out and getting some space. But I could have pushed him farther away by being angry and uncooperative. Instead, I realize that by "making him see what it would be like" would just make me less attractive, make us together less attractive. I really do feel a zillion times better about myself and it's showing.

I think the best thing about DBing is that it makes you a better person, then this better person is more attractive to your spouse and even if things don't turn out the way we want them to, we're a better person with a better mind-set.

Another thing that has helped me is the following I found from Michele. I'm not near the quitting stage, but it really did frame it in a way that appealed to me. The first week I kept thinking, "Why do I want someone who doesn't want me? Do I want to be with someone so emotionless? Maybe I should just give up." Here it is:

"If your efforts to save your marriage haven't been paying off, it's logical that you eventually start to question your motives for wanting your marriage to survive. I might do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It helps you to feel some sense of control and makes the hurt lessen somewhat.

However, from my perspective, unless there is physical violence or chronic substance abuse which is intolerable, I would prefer you look at it differently. There are lots of great reasons to try to restore love in a relationship, especially when there are children involved. Even if your marriage was lacking before the threat of divorce, there are good reasons to try to bring love into the marriage. You have been doing the right and honorable thing. You husband hasn't. You have been wise, your husband hasn't been. Rather than give up your morals and values and question why a person would want to save a marriage, I suggest you tell yourself that you've been nobly fighting for something that is worth fighting for. However, for some people, when the fight is unbearable, they decide that it's time to quit. That is an individual decision. If you're at that place, you are entitled to feel that way. You need to follow your heart- not because working on your marriage isn't worth it, but because your husband is currently too self-centered to recognize the benefits of making marriage work. That happens. There wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate if it didn't happen.

So quit if you must, but know that you were doing the right thing. You just weren't married to someone who understood this."