Her seeing the kids as being fine after - Check. You worried about hurting the kids - Check. Re-writing - Check. Not "in love" - Check.
That was some good venting. It's all frustrating. Try to see it as her in pain and her mind's way of dealing with it. She may say your marriage was never good, but you KNOW that's not true. That right there tells you she's hurting and only focusing on the negative.
I know it's awful to go through. I wish I had answers for you, but I'm in the same boat. I can only tell you what helps me deal with it. Find a positive path for yourself that you really believe in and stick to it. They have to go through this on their own, but you don't have to quit on her or the kids. It's really hard, but you have to hold yourself to the vows if you expect her to.
