Minkerman is so close to piecing !

[LoginName]

Hey MM,
Like Purr said, it still looks really good. Patience is so hard. We want to take action and this situation seems to call for no action on our part. And yet choosing not to act is a form of action. It's way hard to back off. It's really difficult to feel like it's out of your control.

You are in control, of what is within your control. You are choosing this path. Choice is control and action. You are choosing to stay in this M/R. You are as much in control as she is. Letting go of what you can't control is tricky, but it makes you more effective, happier, faster, jump higher, etc. :-)

You don't control her, and her thinking of staying separated for another month, or however long, really isn't about you. I think this is really about her, and is her journey. She needs this space to grow, figure things out. When she is where she needs to be, when she moves back in with you because she is ready and she wants to, it will be fantastic. Don't push it. She needs to get there, or else she'll carry baggage of resentment, anger, negative feelings, into your R.

It's like wine. You can't rush it. It has to go through the process. A difference is with wine you can say it'll take about X number of years to mature. With your W you don't know how long it will take. Garaunteed it will take longer than you think it will and longer than you want it to, but when it arrives, it will be so fantastic, and you'll be amazed that it didn't take longer.

Here's an idea - based on my experience - use this time to really think about what you'll feel when she is back. Will you feel resentment of her because of what she put you through? I'd bet she's thinking you will, and she fears it. She's thinking how can he ever forgive me. That feeling keeps her away from you. Do you have a handle on those feelings of resentment, and the ones that may come later?

Keep giving her space. Keep slightly dark. Back off, let her come to you. Practice UnConditional Love. Learn what it really is. Think about it.

And listen to your DB coach. They are definately solution oriented. (I like to get into the philosophy and psychiatry of the mess, they don't so much). Let me, and us,know how it goes. I had mixed results, but overall positive with my DB coach.

P.S. Unconditional love. Are you thinking of her and the R/M as something to Win? A game you're playing? An important game, but a game? Or are you thinking in terms of your W being a Person, distinct from yourself, with her own life? You can't lose. You can't win. Not in this respect, anyway. It's not about winning or losing.

P.P.S. You can't really understand her, but it can be fun to try. I think you've said you both got together when you were young. Maybe she needs to see if she is capable of living on her own for a while - not because of anything about you or your R, but just to test her wings. Don't push. Support her in her journey.

Enough rambling (for now, I'll bet I'll ramble more given a chance).

Good luck, (Wish this thing had a spell check. Oh well, product of the American education system).