Can't wait to see what my XW gets me for my birthday! I picked up the kids at her place tonight and while there I wrote on her shopping list "a fantastic birthday gift for Whatis!" I just can't help myself sometimes On an even brighter note, it looks like I won't have to make a decision about the cottage. W and our friends have decided they aren't going this year, of course, the kids get to tell me this. One less stress in my life, I guess! That's my update.
Thanks FLTC, the big day is Sunday! Even though I will be 50 I have this strange idea that I'm still 25, apparently us guys never do really get it, do we I can't wait to get over this viral bomb that has been implanted in my body!!!! There are a few of us at work who have the same thing, you feel pretty good for a week and then, bang!, you're knocked on your ass again. I'm hoping this last bout will be the last. It's hard to keep your thinking right when you're exhausted all the time, but I try. I've been having strange dreams about my W lately, I'm hugging her and telling her I thought I'd never find her again...wow, talk about fantasy! last night D14 asked me about Coffee Buddy, whether we ever talk anymore. I said that we did not, we don't see each other at all. D said "If you did see her would you say hi?" and I replied "Of course I would, but I think it's better that we don't see each other for now, she's not comfortable with our friendship and I don't want her to be uncomfortable with me" D said "I'm sorry about what happened, Dad". So, of course, CB thoughts started coming to me last night. I try to push these kinds of thoughts away but when I'm tired, sick and feeling alone it sneaks in there sometimes. I remembered the night we went for a walk in the park and CB told me what a strong man I was and how I amazed her, she told me how sometimes she hurt so badly inside for me and comforted me when I told her how I'd broken down at work recently, she said "you've carried so much pain for such a long time, it has to come out and it's OK, let it happen" I just wanted to take her in my arms that night and give her the biggest hug. My eyes filled with tears last night, it's too bad that such a nice connection was made at such an inopportune time. I will push these thoughts away, just as I do with my W dreams. Sometimes I feel so alone but maybe that's a good thing for now. Btw, I no longer take my D to dance class, I allow her to go with her friend whose mother drives them. I think it is better for both CB and I to just stay clear of each other at this point. I'm still busy trying to figure out this new life and it's a struggle despite how well I tend to handle these things. So enough rambling for now! Have a great day everyone and thanks for dropping by.
W called last night and wanted to know if I had told D14 that she needed to find her own ride to dance class each week! I said "of course, I didn't say that! D said she would like to go with friends instead of me and I said I was OK with that as long as she wasn't imposing on others" Wow, how things get twisted! I told W I would take D and her friends next week to give other parents a break. It's amazing how these kinds of communications occur. I spoke to D and she said "I remember you saying that I should arrange my own rides now" I replied "I said no such thing and would never say that!" But since D has been choosing to arrange her own rides I have been going to DVD and discussion groups at my church, last night was about how everything in life is centered on relationships with others and God. I guess I'll be missing next week. Tonight is prayer meeting night. I'll pray for better communication skills within my family!
Is it wrong NOT to want your W back? I wrestle with this question and sometimes feel guilty. At no time in the past four months of separation have I felt I wanted her back. I pray for her health, safety and that God will touch her heart and help her find some peace and happiness but I NEVER ask for her to be returned to me! I went through years of emotional pain and abuse, it seems just too much for me to ask for that R back. I just can't imagine her being any other way than she is, selfish, self-centered, hurtful, impatient, uncompromising and unloving. When I look back at what I endured from this woman while I tried to save the R, be a better H and father, build a loving family etc I just can't see myself opening my heart to her again. She has damaged me in so many ways and I now have to put my full self into healing that, building myself up again. It just seems like too much to even comtemplate a R with her again. How do you DB when you don't want your S?
Happy birthday to me! The big 5-0 and my apartment building celebrated with a 3:00am fire alarm! This evening I am having the kids and XW over for a pizza party. W is bringing the cake. So I must go and decorate now for the wing ding of a half century, I spared no expense at the dollar store. Have a great day everyone!
Happy birthday, Wii! Welcome to the fabulous fifties! Ha! You sure have come a long way since you left your W. I think the things you pray for, in terms of your family (including your W), is thoughtful. Pointless to pray for someone to be returned, or not lost, since we all have our own free will, and God won't take that away. At least, I don't think so.
Hope ya have a good week!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks Being Me. I think what I need to pray for is that my heart remain open to the possibility of change. I don't want that old R back, it was hurtful to everyone, but I want to remain open to the possibility of a new and different kind of R. That doesn't mean sitting around waiting and hoping but it means not allowing the bitterness to close off possibilities, if that makes sense. Even that is hard to do right now, wounds take a long time to heal and I'm not ripping open the scars again. The old R is dead and what comes in future is not mine to know. Hey, my dad told me now that I'm fifty I need to know a few things, he gave me this little gem, "you never bend over and pick up money you find unless it's more than a dollar, it's not worth the strain on the back" Uh, thanks Dad!
Here in Iraq, you never pick up things you didn't drop! I read through your thread. I, like you, want back the woman I married, not the calcified, angry, bitter, self-loathing, vitriolic, open festering sore that my wife has become. I can't go back to a world where I'm NEVER right on ANYTHING, including driving vacuuming, painting, mowing the lawn, picking the right gas station or Christmas tree. I'm reminded of your story about dancing with your wife, and her telling you to pull your stomach in....(I love you too, dear. Your little idiosyncracies are endearing to me!!!)
I can't get clubbed like a baby seal over and over, so NO, it's not wrong to not want your wife back. I'm only 2 years older than you, but the thought of ever starting with anyone new is overwhelming, but I can't take being a doormat anymore.
Did you get the all important "impersonal gift" from your W? Coffee maker, drinking glasses, butter dish?
On an even brighter note, it looks like I won't have to make a decision about the cottage. W and our friends have decided they aren't going this year, of course, the kids get to tell me this. One less stress in my life, I guess! 