Recent convo with H in the context of working out our summer schedules and also figuring out when the kids will go to camp:
Me: So what are your summer travel plans? H: I'm going to a conference in Tel Aviv in June and then I have an opportunity to participate in a conference in Budapest, but if I go I'll miss the triplets birthday. I know you can't council me about whether I should go or not. Me: True. Of course the kids will be disappointed if you're not here, but you know that. H: Yes, I know, I'll just have to think a bout it and let you know.
Of course his "participation" in the conference in Budapest really means whatsherface will be there and he wants to be there with her. This isn;t a job opportunity or him giving a paper of course (though she may be), otherwise he'd have no trepidation whatsoever about missing the kids' b-day (their tenth by the way--in July).
Anyway, I was surprisingly un-phased by it. I don't really care one way or the other what he decides to do. I have adapted to life without him and we get along perfectly well. Of course the kids miss him a ton, but I can't change the way things are so I just try to make it seem as normal as possible for them.
So just to catch you all up to speed: Mitch has been in Boston since the fall of '07 and comes back to see the kids once a month. They have flown there once and will fly there again next week to visit him. He will be back for 2 weeks in June and then he leaves again for Tel Aviv and then maybe Budapest (depending on what his soul searching tells him). Then he will be back for Fall semester 2008 and then in January of 2009 he will be in Berlin for the Spring semester.
He has mentioned trying to fly the kids to Germany for two weeks when he is there next year which I think will be a fantastic experience for the kids--we'll see if it all materializes.
Anywho, that's the story from the nation's midsection. Love, Althea
Anyway, I was surprisingly un-phased by it. I don't really care one way or the other what he decides to do. I have adapted to life without him and we get along perfectly well. Of course the kids miss him a ton, but I can't change the way things are so I just try to make it seem as normal as possible for them.
That is so great the you have detached so completely from H!
And you have given your kids a huge gift. I really respect what you have achieved.
It is so much easier on kids of D when they don't feel like they have two parents that are constantly bickering! It gives them permission to love/interact more freely with both of them w/o feeling like loving/interacting with one amounts to a betrayal of the other.
While my parents are finally getting it, I still find myself in a angst-ridden/stressed when I interlace interacting with both of my parents. It is easier for me to isolated my interactions with one completely from the other.
I noticed that you are planning on being in Chicago sometime this year. I live in the Chicagoland area. If you will have time to socialize while you're in town, let me know. I would love to meet you.
I have surprised myself in my ability to detach. It is nice.
But I often wonder why I have let him go so completely. I ask myself; "did I not love him deeply enough?" But I truly believe I did love him deeply. It's just that I do think love can be destroyed and while there will always be a place in my heart for him, that place does not make me feel heart broken anymore.
I do wonder about my capacity to love again. New guy is really nice, and I do feel something for him, but it's not anywhere near "love." MAybe he's just not the right guy and when it is the right guy, I will feel all the fireworks again.
Or maybe I am just truly changed--a more mature woman who is okay in her own skin. Or maybe being in love with someone who hurt me so badly damaged something in me. I just don't know.
I suppose as life goes on I will understand better the mystery that is me and the mystery that is love.
Oh, and I'll be in Chicago for the miniature show April 4-6. Email me (do you still have my email?) and lets get together if you can.
I would of been like Germany? Hell no you are not taking my kids to Germany to be with the maxipad (oooooooops) whatsherface.
But you are totally right, what a wonderful experience for the kids. I could just picture the kids excitement.
You are detached, and you are in such a good place with Mitch.
Javier and I get along fine too, I am just having trouble with detaching about the kids and Susan, ugh.
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I do wonder about my capacity to love again. New guy is really nice, and I do feel something for him, but it's not anywhere near "love." MAybe he's just not the right guy and when it is the right guy, I will feel all the fireworks again.
Sometimes, loves kinda just comes in gradually. Sometimes the firworks are later on.
Maybe comfort, and slowly starting to trust again, is just as wonderful as that goo goo ga ga feeling.
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I suppose as life goes on I will understand better the mystery that is me and the mystery that is love.
Aren't you excited to find out, about the answers to all of these questions. We don't have to rush, we don't have to do anything we don't want to. We have freedom of choice, and we have grown now. So I think we are going into this unknown, a bit better equipped than before.
miss ya
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
Well God knows you've learned me a thing or two sweet Lis.
With regards to the children and Mitch and Maxi-pad, it's like this--I have FULLY embraced the concept that a good relationship with him (and by association, her) means 1. Happier children 2. A better relationship with me because they don't have to "hide" their feelings for him (or her) and 3. MUCH better cooperation on his part regarding my welfare and the children's welfare--i.e. he is more inclined to be nice and generous with financial matters.
As for the last thing--he actually told me that when I need a new car (which I do) he would like to help. He said he cannot commit a specific dollar value, but he doesn't want to see me driving the kids around in a clunker. Now of course, he has a history of not doing what he says, so I'll believe it when I see it, but for now I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a sincere offer.
He didn't have to make the offer, but he did and I appreciate it.
As for Maxi pad--I dreamed that I met her last night. In my dream she was very fashionable and wearing the coolest metal skirt with what looked like fish scales. It was very Joan of Arc/mermaid inspired. Anyway, I was terribly jealous in the dream and they seemed very in love. Ah well, it's just fantasy land.
I have not interacted with her, talked to her, met her or emailed her since the VERY beginning when I sent her the "stay away from my husband" email and got her snooty reply. I realize I will have to meet her some day and I am trying to get there emotionally. The children like her and that's okay with me--in fact, it is better this way and I know it. Of course at first I wanted them to hate her and for her to be a wicked witch, but that would make life unhappy for my children and then for me and it would be bad.
So...the reality is, we are single women, we are free. They are not our husbands anymore. I figure any "nice" gestures on their part are above and beyond the call and I will appreciate it. I have lowered my expectations to almost nothing when it comes to him. And as long as it seems he is trying to do his best for the children (within his limited capacity) that is all I can ask for. She has very little to do with my thought process any more. I assume they will be together for the duration and am grateful that she is nice to them.
I am so exhausted. I worked out this morning then took the kids on a nature hike--it was a gorgeous day!
I don't recall ever having written to you before, but I have followed your story over the years. I just read what you wrote to Mrs. H. It was so honest, so loving, just so wonderful that I felt the need to come here and tell you that.
It is always heartwarming to see people who have lived through the pain come back here at the risk of dredging it all up again to help someone else.
Thank you Pam, it always surprises me when someone tells me they've "known" me here for years. It's pretty cool really.
I hope Mrs. H will be okay, she seems very low right now. Perhaps there were times, in the beginning when people felt worried about me too--I don't know.
What concerns me though is that she has been going through all of this for so long now and is still "stuck" waiting for her H to change.
This brings me to the thought process that has been brewing for me all night and that is about the utility of standing--whatever that means.
Divorce Busting as a principle for saving oneself and being solution oriented is a good thing and I support and applaud it. Divorce Busting to wait out an alleged MLC or "alien behavior" is, in my opinion, harmful.
MLC--is it real? Yes, I think it is. But is it the same as being a total jerk? No, I think not. Hell, I believe I've experienced an MLC myself, but I did not destroy my family in the process of having it. And so while I think MLC is a legitimate "syndrome" if you will, I think it is used here all too often to explain away bad character, bad behavior and supports an environment of denial. It also lulls us into thinking that when they "snap out of it" things can go back to normal. Well, look at LisaLost as an example of how that can be a very dangerous mindset. I worry for her safety and the safety of those children. She has a violent a-hole for a husband. Not a man in Mid life or quarter life crisis or any other damn excuse. He is a pig.
Abusers says nice things and make grand proclamations of love. Listen up--THOSE ARE NOT BABY STEPS!
This is not the first time I have wondered about the efficacy of DB. I wanted so badly to believe that my H was in some sort of crazy and transient crisis state. Why did I need to believe it? Because then my marriage, my children, my love for him would still make sense. If indeed he just changed his mind and decided he was not happy and needed to make major changes to BE happy, then everything that came before, everything with me, would be a sham. That's how I felt then.
But now I can look back and understand that he wanted a change and he made a change and it does not invalidate our life together. He is an individual that I cannot control--he's his own person, he is not "mine."
I know he loved me once, very deeply. I know that. Period.
I also know that the longer I held on to the idea that he would come back to me--the longer I "STOOD" then the longer I was trapped.
Okay, leave the door open,fine, but you don't have to stay in the house waiting for him to walk through that door. I say get out there and live life as if you are divorced. Move toward single hood in your mind because let's face it--most of us are not going to reconcile. You can find the few examples around here that do, but their life is no picnic and the reconciled marriage often does not last.
I just hate to see the same people I started here with 2 years ago still clinging onto the desperate hope their husband or wife will snap out of it and come have a lovely supper with them some day. It's maddening! These are the people that continue to cycle in and out of deep depression. These are the people who continue to drag their children through the hell of separation because they cannot move on with their life and accept the reality of the here and now. There are no winners in those situations and it pains me so much to see their perennial suffering.
Why do we treat our walk away spouses like they are children who don't know any better? They are adults for God's sake. They are adults who make selfish decisions but they are not usually crazy. If they have chosen another person, then so be it. That is what they have chosen. It's not what I would have done, or what you would have done, it's what they are doing. If they lie to us or to our children--big deal! Of course they lie! They have already proven to us that that's how they function and excuse themselves. Why are we always so surprised? It's time we simply accept them for who they are and in many cases, try to have as little contact as we can with them. If they have a BF or GF why don't we just deal with it. I don't like it, no I HATE it that my ex is still with the woman he left me for but for the love of God they've been together going on 3 years now--I need to just accept it and try to move forward.
I will be doing myself a favor and my children a favor if I can simply accept her. She is not evil. She is nice to my children. She did a bad thing and some day karma will make things right but until then, I don't need to worry about it.
So, that's my little rant for the day. I don't much like what's happening on the boards these days but I still think there is great value here. I know this place was one of the things that saved me from self destruction and I will always be grateful and will always try to give back when I can.
your post echoes a lot of what I have been feeling too...i think standing for yourself is what we need to do and sometimes when we are standing up...we also walk...head up...eyes seeing...into a different place
still waiting for that onion recipe
i will give that guy a couple more days and then I will email him again
This deffo deserves a bump up >> Wish it could be posted on MLC So many so need some real honest guidence. I wish you the best life has to give you Mother moving on. Thank you for this post.
"This is not the first time I have wondered about the efficacy of DB. I wanted so badly to believe that my H was in some sort of crazy and transient crisis state. "
<vent>In fairness, the MLC forum is kind of, well, whacked in some ways. The focus on the OP, being the victim, the dogmatic nature of this quasi-religious-judgmental position that has come to be called "Standing" with a capital "S," the constant deep devaluing of the WAS, the rehearsing the same thing over and over again, the assigning of the problems to "craziness" rather than the person, the too much NOT working on oneself, and so on...
As IMP and I have posted about, there is something there that breeds stuckness. I actually don't think those aspects of the forum are very DB at all, but trace to a sort of rigid, cultish-like way of viewing and reacting to MLC. Actually, from what I can gather, the shake up over there has to do with trying to get things on track in terms of DBing. I myself have *warned* Newcomers not to move to MLC because I agree that it had become a pretty unhealthy forum.
So, insofar as the powers-that-be are trying to shift the dynamic to make it more of a healthy empowering place where people more *generally* make better personal process as they *generally* do on other forums, I think they have identified a good goal.
However, their tactics have surely been misguided, insulting, devaluing to their members, unproductive, and worse, probably counterproductive. Indeed, I'd say a candid post something like this would have been far more useful, especially with a description of what actions would be taken and why. The ban/censor/spam technique certainly leaves much to be desired.
But, again getting the MLC on track with real DBing is admirable and probably much healthier for people who post there in the long run. Maybe that end justifies the means, but I don't see it right now in light of the far better alternatives.</vent>
