I'm really not understanding the increased contact these days.. especially when he throws in things like D2 adjusting soon and the need for the internet in his apartment.. I just have to take it as it comes I guess.
When it comes to the sex topic I'm not really sure what is right. The reason I wonder is.. we were in a sex starved marriage.. so it's kind of a 180 for us to have sex, you know?? Also, and I know this is wrong, but I feel like there is less of a chance that he will be getting it elsewhere if he's getting it from me. I know there are many people that will likely disagree with that statement but that's kind of how I feel.. Also, it's a way to remind him that we are not just friends.. since prior to his departure he was viewing me as a friend (although not treating me as one), a roommate and D2's Mommy.. but not as a partner or a lover... and lastly I just need it sometimes... and I'm not about to entertain the idea of getting it from someone else.
Since my bomb I have wondered a lot about the sex thing too. I thought we were totally stellar in the sex dept, but I realized a couple months post-bomb that we were probably in a SSR from his perspective. At times since the bomb and my requisite Darkness I have wished I could use what michele calls the Siren Solution!!!! But it is tricky when we are not communicating because I am dark Unless I figure out some way to teleport myself into his dreams
What comes to mind when I think about your situation is a couple different things.
1. listen to your heart... if it feels right, go for it. if it doesn't feel right, wait. don't push.
2. this could contradict the above, but you could try experimenting and monitoring results. Both how you feel about it during/after and how he reacts. If you try it and feel good about it, then you can do it again! If you try it and feel bad about it, then maybe don't do it until something else changes that would make you feel better about it.
but also
3. this could also contradict #2... don't push. Especially don't push to satisfy your own needs. It is not really politically correct to say it like this, but if he needs to distance himself physically, it is OK to respect that and put your own needs on hold in the meantime. Trying to pressure him for sex could just be another form of the pressure we are trying to avoid!! Another form of "dancing outside the castle and throwing rocks".
What do you think about this, where? As you can see, I am not so sure myself... but maybe bouncing these ideas around between ourselves will help clarify them?
Have you been following One Day's thread? She has been reading "the art of seduction" and practicing smoldering glances!!
I don't know what I think about anything.. I think maybe I'm coming down from a high from all the contact and attention he showed me yesterday.. In all the confusion of why and WTF from his many phone calls yesterday I realize this morning how much I miss that. It SO felt like old times.. so much so that I messed up and talked some taboo talk when I saw him last night. I talked about the book "for women only" and some of the things that men need from their wives.. and he said that humans are just like animals... so when you look at the male & female relationships in the wild very rarely is there monogamy. It's all about procreation and survival. I also mentioned how the last chapter says the one thing all men want their wives to know is "just how much they love her"... and he looked at me with pity in his eyes and gave me an awkward hug.. and said "I really do love you, that's why this is so hard". He said that he's really enjoyed our last few visits together as a family... and that lately his mind doesn't seem to keep going to the "need to date other people" scenario but that he's all consumed with thoughts of D2, me and his work and that's pretty much it.
And as for the sex thing.. geez, I guess I should just tell you that it's happened a few times since he left.. and I know I'm a bad girl especially since it's always initiated by me... very anti dbing on my part. It's not loving like ML... it's more carnal on both of our parts...
I apologize for not owning up to the sex thing sooner... I guess I didn't want to hear that it's wrong and I should stop... I know I could very well be pushing him farther away, I could very well be enabling his "cake eating", but then I could be doing a HUGE 180 compared to our SSM.
I need to do something today to pick up my spirits.. maybe I'll go take my new coat out for a walk!!!
The only thing you would have heard from me is "I envy you!!"
Seriously, it seems that what fb2 posted on my thread a couple of days go, fits in your sitch as well.
He switched from the "I need to get out of here" mood to "I am not sure WTF I needed to get out from" or somethig similar. Check it out on my thread, I am no good at linking and staff. And that for me is a giant step, not a baby step. It's the seed that could turn to what you are really wishing for for your family. It's the first necessary step, apsolutely necessary and major to actually have a chance. No guarantee but pre requisite.
I'm jealous too !! Blimey, I would jump at the chance, to feel some closeness, to feel that you are getting to them in some way, that theres still a chance. Dont feel guilty for it and anyway, what a great 180, didnt see that one in the book !!!
I have to agree with Ali and Kalni, and say i am jealous also. Gosh, i too would just jump at the chance for that closeness, to have a chance. I would give all i have for it right now.
hugs bear
Me 42-Him 40 T20yrs Married 16yrs 2/06 H- "not sure if i want to be married anymore" 6/07 H-"I'm not happy" 9/07 Admits affair & OW 12/08 I moved out 12/09 still waiting for divorce
I am jealous too!!!!!! (Sorry, couldn't resist the temptation, I am such a copy cat ).
Did your new coat enjoy the walk?
Just wanted to ask how are you doing today...
((((((hug)))))))
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Did you miss me? For some reason I just wasn't feeling like my chipper self this weekend.. but I'm up again.. and still on the DBing wagon.
So you guys aren't going to 2x4 me about the sex thing.. phew!! My main thought about it is that I wish he would instigate it and not me.. unfortunately I don't have a lot of sexy type clothing that may get him all riled up.. and frisky.. since my clothes are all too big for me now.. So I have made the first moves each time it happened. And at this point in time it really is just sex.. not making love.. but as per the "for women only" book.. this is a "need" for men... they need to have it and they need to feel like they are good at it (that there partner is an active participant and enjoying it).
So after all the contact and attention I received on Friday I got absolutely NOTHING from him on Saturday. No phone calls nothing.. And he usually calls D2 to wish her goodnight.. or at least attempts to do that.
So when he was looking for me on Sunday I was too busy.. got him wondering what D2 and I were doing. He actually had the nerve to say that I hadn't told him my plans so he wasn't sure if we were going to get together at his parents house on Sunday. When in fact I had told him I was going to hometown (where his parents live) on Friday as I had a playdate for D2 there.. he just chose to not cement any plans for us to get together and I didn't chase him to do so!
Gotta run.. at work and have a meeting. Will check back in a bit!
it sure adds an awkward element to things when you have sex w/ WAS, doesn't it? I just got through that myself. It's kind of a catch 22 cuz having the closeness is wonderful,or it was for me. Then you wind up wondering what thoughts and feelings are being produced in S's head. But of course DB'ing says that we are not to pry to find out what feelings they may be having. The sex itself is not anti-DB'ing according to Michelle. It works for some and not for others depending on your sitch.
I pretty well blundered a little anyway because it is easier said than done to not get your hopes up that getting in the 'sack' again will accelerated things towards reconciling. I went a little out of my way to start spending a little more time around W after 2 straight days of having sex. And I believe she could tell that I was "attaching myself to hope". So she started using subtle and/or pronounced language that she was unchanged in her thinking about following through w/ our pending D once the 90 day waiting period is completed.
She said, "I am sorry if I hurt you [emotionally, by us rolling in the hay]. I needed to have you, but I just don't trust you. It is painful because I wish I could".
It sure is painful (for all of us). Nothing burns me up more than for her not to trust me. Also her notion that aparently once trust has been broken that it can't be rebuilt. Or that she is not interested in rebuilding it since I know that it surely can be rebuilt if you take the proper steps to do so.
Unless I figure out some way to teleport myself into his dreams 
).