Thank you Pam, it always surprises me when someone tells me they've "known" me here for years. It's pretty cool really.
I hope Mrs. H will be okay, she seems very low right now. Perhaps there were times, in the beginning when people felt worried about me too--I don't know.
What concerns me though is that she has been going through all of this for so long now and is still "stuck" waiting for her H to change.
This brings me to the thought process that has been brewing for me all night and that is about the utility of standing--whatever that means.
Divorce Busting as a principle for saving oneself and being solution oriented is a good thing and I support and applaud it. Divorce Busting to wait out an alleged MLC or "alien behavior" is, in my opinion, harmful.
MLC--is it real? Yes, I think it is. But is it the same as being a total jerk? No, I think not. Hell, I believe I've experienced an MLC myself, but I did not destroy my family in the process of having it. And so while I think MLC is a legitimate "syndrome" if you will, I think it is used here all too often to explain away bad character, bad behavior and supports an environment of denial. It also lulls us into thinking that when they "snap out of it" things can go back to normal. Well, look at LisaLost as an example of how that can be a very dangerous mindset. I worry for her safety and the safety of those children. She has a violent a-hole for a husband. Not a man in Mid life or quarter life crisis or any other damn excuse. He is a pig.
Abusers says nice things and make grand proclamations of love. Listen up--THOSE ARE NOT BABY STEPS!
This is not the first time I have wondered about the efficacy of DB. I wanted so badly to believe that my H was in some sort of crazy and transient crisis state. Why did I need to believe it? Because then my marriage, my children, my love for him would still make sense. If indeed he just changed his mind and decided he was not happy and needed to make major changes to BE happy, then everything that came before, everything with me, would be a sham. That's how I felt then.
But now I can look back and understand that he wanted a change and he made a change and it does not invalidate our life together. He is an individual that I cannot control--he's his own person, he is not "mine."
I know he loved me once, very deeply. I know that. Period.
I also know that the longer I held on to the idea that he would come back to me--the longer I "STOOD" then the longer I was trapped.
Okay, leave the door open,fine, but you don't have to stay in the house waiting for him to walk through that door. I say get out there and live life as if you are divorced. Move toward single hood in your mind because let's face it--most of us are not going to reconcile. You can find the few examples around here that do, but their life is no picnic and the reconciled marriage often does not last.
I just hate to see the same people I started here with 2 years ago still clinging onto the desperate hope their husband or wife will snap out of it and come have a lovely supper with them some day. It's maddening! These are the people that continue to cycle in and out of deep depression. These are the people who continue to drag their children through the hell of separation because they cannot move on with their life and accept the reality of the here and now. There are no winners in those situations and it pains me so much to see their perennial suffering.
Why do we treat our walk away spouses like they are children who don't know any better? They are adults for God's sake. They are adults who make selfish decisions but they are not usually crazy. If they have chosen another person, then so be it. That is what they have chosen. It's not what I would have done, or what you would have done, it's what they are doing. If they lie to us or to our children--big deal! Of course they lie! They have already proven to us that that's how they function and excuse themselves. Why are we always so surprised? It's time we simply accept them for who they are and in many cases, try to have as little contact as we can with them. If they have a BF or GF why don't we just deal with it. I don't like it, no I HATE it that my ex is still with the woman he left me for but for the love of God they've been together going on 3 years now--I need to just accept it and try to move forward.
I will be doing myself a favor and my children a favor if I can simply accept her. She is not evil. She is nice to my children. She did a bad thing and some day karma will make things right but until then, I don't need to worry about it.
So, that's my little rant for the day. I don't much like what's happening on the boards these days but I still think there is great value here. I know this place was one of the things that saved me from self destruction and I will always be grateful and will always try to give back when I can.
