I strongly believe that my W loves me very much and all her pain comes from this decision she has made to leave our marriage.
There is a lot of truth to this observation, but I believe it's only half the truth. Instead of "all", you might reconsider this statement with "much" instead. See, you have described how she feels now about the current situation. The one where she is pulling away and sees the pain it is causing you and others, and is suffering with all of her own guilt in causing that pain and confusion for others.
What this statement misses is why she felt that she had to pull away in the first place. That pain, the pain that was so overwhelming to her that she had to pull away is the pain we must address, the pain that must be addressed. It was mentioned that she cannot bear to reverse herself. You have hit the nail on the head with that observation. Nor, I believe, should she.
The marriage was not working for her, so she pulled away. She will not return to that marriage. In that light, you must understand that the marriage that it was before is dead and cannot be resumed. The only way to get her to come back is to transform the the marriage back into something like it was in the beginning, when there was lots of love and romance. When you and she lived and loved together. When you shared and had shared goals. Before either of you got too busy.
This is the crux of DB. It is the epitome of what I believe is the heart of what Michele is saying. I believe the heart of her message is (paraphrased) "You must always consider your goals. If what you are doing or considering doing will bring you closer to reaching those goals, do more of it. If what your are doing is pushing you farther from your goals, better think and do something else". You must transform the marriage for it to survive, because as it is now, or has been recently, it is not working, it is not bringing anyone closer to their goals. And the only way you can do that right now it to transform yourself by becoming the best you can be. We must all stop wallowing in wondering how to bring her back, how much about what WE want, and accept that things have changed and that we need to keep the change going in a positive manner.
There is still strong attachment at this point of marital breakdown. Strong enough that if the situation truly changes to eliminate the initial pain that caused her to pull away, she will come back. But be assured, she won't come back to the way it was.
The biggest thing I learned through my painful experience was how much of the entire situation was my fault. It truly takes 2. Sure, she was wrong, cuz she pulled away, she had the affair, she was trying to end it all. But most importantly, she was trying to survive in the best way she saw at the time. Even more importantly, I was wrong for allow my part in the marriage to allow it to become a stale drudgery and more like a sentence than a loving life partnership. She was running from our marriage, from the life's failures to live up to her expectations and from the perception that she didn't want her future life and marriage to be an infinite continuation of the what she was trying to leave behind.
We are all part of the problem that has caused our marriages to falter. We share in the failures of expectations. We need to change ourselves and our lives and our marriages back to a level of hopefulness with a bright future. And right now, we can only do this by and for ourselves. If we are successful, WAW will likely notice and hopefully decide to rejoin us and come along for the rest of the ride. If she doesn't, then we have the benefit of having transformed ourselves into people WE really like, and whom others will like, and who can move ahead in satisfying, happy lives no matter what direction that may take us.
My thoughts for a Monday Morning. Have a great week!
