The mistress has more than I can offer

[Dayana]

hi Saffie and Sara
I have told him repeatedly that I can;t take any more and that it is hurting me so much, and not just me but the kids. Last night we talked a bit and he really seemed to get it and said he wanted to end it with OW (he was really annoyed that she has sent me more harrasing text messages last night after the poisonous email). However as soon as we tried to talk about him really quitting OW he then said he had to go as he was tired and that he would come back tonight to talk, but has left me a message saying he was working late and couldn't come - I don't believe him. I tried to phone him but he is not picking up the mobile.

He knows he is really hurting me but he can't seem to stop. How can he possibly love me and keep doing this?

I know you are right about boundaries and I have tried to set them up before but he does not stick to anything - he doesn't turn up to see the kids when he is supposed to, and then turns up at other times by surprise. I am also bad at sticking to the boundaries so I know I am not helping myself. I start to get into such a panic if I don't hear from him or see him, then I phone him and ask him to come round. I can't seem to find any self control.

I know he ended up having the affair because we were not happy - we went through some really hard times with a chronically ill child who nearly died several times, and then I was chronically ill for a long time. This took its toll and I certainly didn't pay him any attention for years-I was just too exhausted. I felt completely unsupported by him and I became very resentful. Meanwhile he was feeling unloved and neglected and blaming me for it. Along came OW and made him feel like he was the most important person in the world and remortgaged her house to fund his music dream. SO it is easy to see why he did it.
But at his core he is a family man - he comes from a very religious background and he used to have incredibly high morals. I know that the whole thing is eating away at him.

I think he wants to come back in part but partly does not believe that we can work because it was so hard before - he seems not to understand that the hard part was due to the illness and stress.

You say I know my H - but the fact is I don't seem to anymore because just about everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I don;t even tell the kids when he says he is coming over, just in case he doesn't turn up and disappoints them.

People ask me why I want him back- I still love him and I guess I keep hoping that his former self will come back and he will wake up to what he is doing.

Saffie, when you put your foot down what exactly did you do? Did you cease all contact? Did you give him an ultimatum with a timeframe?
What about you Sara - how did you put a stop to it?

God, I just wish I could get out of this nightmare