Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

H was unemployed since June/07 - 9 mos. Yes it has been very hard on him; he has always regarded himself as an achiever, expected so much from himself, his father was the same. For the first 4 most he pretended he was doing consulting for someone, but I discovered from OW that was a lie. His depression must have been really revving up at that time. In Oct/07 when I discovered he was still seeing OW & found out what had been going on, the spending & the debt w/ no money coming in, I was astounded that OW let him get to that point. It makes me truly see how selfish she was. She knew what was happening; I did not. I guess this is another reason why I don't really believe she is still around - if there is no money (I told her about his huge debt) then the party is basically over for her. What's she going to do, pay off his debts, & they'll live happily ever after, with him still in love w/ me & wanting to spend time w/ D & I?

But I don't spend much time thinking about OW b/c I can't do anything about it if she is still in the picture. Instead I focus on what I can do something about - taking care of myself & D, being as happy as I can be, taking care of myself, looking good, feeling good, having fun w/ friends & D, and showing all of this to H whenever he sees me. No acting sad, no telling him how much I miss him, how empty life is w/out him, no trying to make him feel guilty for leaving, not even telling him how much D hurts over our sitch. Life is good, I'm fine, see you when I see you. "Acting as if" was very, very difficult for me at first - it was quite simply a lie. But the more I tried, the easier it got. I still have days when I am challenged by it, but on those days I bite my tongue and say nothing. Better to have him wondering what I'm not telling him, than telling him something that will make me look pathetic, or making him feel guilty and pressured.

Now that H has a job which he will be starting in a week, I expect that he will start to feel better about himself. I don't know how that will be reflected back towards me and our M - hopefully there will be something positive, though I'm not expecting miracles. H said he wants to feel that he has something of value to offer me and D. I know that as long as he was unemployed he would continue to be depressed. I could see glimpses of him feeling better about himself from the volunteering he was doing, but that could not make up for being unemployed. Probably the reason H has not spoken to his parents in 2 mos is due to his shame. Since he is starting to reconnect w/ me, I'm hoping he will reach out to his parents again - they are desperate for him to contact them, but I asked them to give him some more time. He has alot of work repairing the damage he has done to his R w/ his parents & siblings.

Maybe he is reconnecting w/ me first because he can see that I am not still beating him up over what he did to & to our family. I've moved on & am focussed on other things than the pain he has cause me. I will continue to move on w/ my life. If he wants to be a part of that, it's up to him to show me. That's pretty much where I have arrived at this point in my journey. Talking about some of the good times in the form of a funny story to D, hopefully did not appear to be an obvious attempt to make him remember that what we had was a good M once. The fact that he joined in and told his own stories was very encouraging. I didn't push it w/ more stories; instead I just left it at that. This is one lesson I have learned from DBing - less is more. Being subtle can have a much more positive effect than being obvious or forceful or demanding. A tiny pebble can cause ripples that go on and on.

How do you tell someone you forgive them? You can tell them with words, but in order for them to believe it they need to see it in your eyes when you look at them, feel it in your body when they hold you, hear it in your voice when you talk to them. I have forgiven my H, but I still wonder sometimes. Forgiveness is one thing, trust is another. You can't reestablish trust w/out forgiveness, but it doesn't come right away. The passage of time is one thing that is essential in that process, and is the most difficult. We are so anxious to have what we want NOW.

You said you fear you'll be D before you reconcile. What stage are you in the D process? I recall that she filed pretty much as soon as they wheeled you out of the OR & that you had a court date for something (eek, I can't remember). What has happened since then? Is she actively pursuing the D or has she backed off a bit? Does she discuss any details w/ you about finances or dividing assets or anything to do w/ D? Maybe if things move along slowly but continue in a positive direction, your W will no longer feel rushed to D and there may be hope to stop it before it goes through. I've read so many posts about LBS's who stall, while still DBing, and end up saving their M's before the D goes through.

Ah yes, that's me, the eternal optimist. But then, you'd have to be to be doing what we're doing. Don't give up hope. Keep doing what you're doing, planting those little seeds of doubt in her mind, serving her little morsels of love for her to nibble on, just big enough for her to get a taste of what she is missing & what could be served at someone else's table if she's not careful.

FA