Wow, quite the ride in the last couple of weeks for you. I can relate to the mood swinging around, but in the big picture, it still sounds like you're on the money. From stuff I've read, I don't think it's unusual that she wavers a bit at this stage. It must be hard because you've already had loads of patience and worked really hard on yourself. But breathe easy! You want her to be back because she feels ready, not because she said she'd come back but isn't into it fully. I think you're gonna get there soon! Hang in there.
Purr, you are 100% right. Her wanting to come back is far more important than any perceived time line.
I called her a couple of hours ago and said I was sorry for going quiet on her, but she kinda threw me a curve there. She said she realized that, and "that's ok, you're allowed!". I told her, take all the time you need, I'll be here. I'm fine now, back to normal!"
At the end of the call, I said, "we'll figure it out". She said "yes, we will".
I am very much looking forward to my coaching call on Tuesday.
Hey MM, Like Purr said, it still looks really good. Patience is so hard. We want to take action and this situation seems to call for no action on our part. And yet choosing not to act is a form of action. It's way hard to back off. It's really difficult to feel like it's out of your control.
You are in control, of what is within your control. You are choosing this path. Choice is control and action. You are choosing to stay in this M/R. You are as much in control as she is. Letting go of what you can't control is tricky, but it makes you more effective, happier, faster, jump higher, etc. :-)
You don't control her, and her thinking of staying separated for another month, or however long, really isn't about you. I think this is really about her, and is her journey. She needs this space to grow, figure things out. When she is where she needs to be, when she moves back in with you because she is ready and she wants to, it will be fantastic. Don't push it. She needs to get there, or else she'll carry baggage of resentment, anger, negative feelings, into your R.
It's like wine. You can't rush it. It has to go through the process. A difference is with wine you can say it'll take about X number of years to mature. With your W you don't know how long it will take. Garaunteed it will take longer than you think it will and longer than you want it to, but when it arrives, it will be so fantastic, and you'll be amazed that it didn't take longer.
Here's an idea - based on my experience - use this time to really think about what you'll feel when she is back. Will you feel resentment of her because of what she put you through? I'd bet she's thinking you will, and she fears it. She's thinking how can he ever forgive me. That feeling keeps her away from you. Do you have a handle on those feelings of resentment, and the ones that may come later?
Keep giving her space. Keep slightly dark. Back off, let her come to you. Practice UnConditional Love. Learn what it really is. Think about it.
And listen to your DB coach. They are definately solution oriented. (I like to get into the philosophy and psychiatry of the mess, they don't so much). Let me, and us,know how it goes. I had mixed results, but overall positive with my DB coach.
P.S. Unconditional love. Are you thinking of her and the R/M as something to Win? A game you're playing? An important game, but a game? Or are you thinking in terms of your W being a Person, distinct from yourself, with her own life? You can't lose. You can't win. Not in this respect, anyway. It's not about winning or losing.
P.P.S. You can't really understand her, but it can be fun to try. I think you've said you both got together when you were young. Maybe she needs to see if she is capable of living on her own for a while - not because of anything about you or your R, but just to test her wings. Don't push. Support her in her journey.
Enough rambling (for now, I'll bet I'll ramble more given a chance).
Good luck, (Wish this thing had a spell check. Oh well, product of the American education system).
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Thank you for checking in on me, LN. Everyone has been so helpful, I feel like we are all a team here, defending our marriages from "the enemy", whatever that may be in each case.
I have indeed backed off, as suggested. I will see how that goes. I know she is very busy at work the next 2 days, so she won't be focused on this, at least during the day.
Meanwhile, I will reflect on the positives, try to understand the negatives (or spin them into positives), and work on keeping a PMA!
You seem to be the naturally positive, action kind of guy. I think that will work well with DR/DB stuff, and the counselor. I think too much. Different drummers and all that.
What I think is needed, is backing off with no expectation of the affect it will have on our W. Back off for yourself. Really try hard to put this all out of your mind for a while. You might want to look at it as a 180. And it could change an act "as if" into a act because it is.
I think the DB counselors are more interested in doing the right thing, regardless of the motivation behind it - and I think that works and is good, but I think, for me, it works better if I get my head wrapped around it and understand, at least to a point.
One thing that my W and I did was attend a couples communications workshop. We used the book "fighting for your marriage". It describes a technique called speaker/listener. Using that technique, I really tried listening to my W. It's amazing. She told me things I had heard before, but hadn't HEARD. It taught me a new level of listening.
Have you listened to your W? What is she saying? Has she said why she wants to be alone for awhile? Have you heard her? Just curious.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
I have the book "Fighting For Your Marriage". Haven't looked at it yet, will crack it open soon to see what you mean.
No, she hasn't said why she wants to be alone. She actually told me on Saturday "I don't know why I'm hesitating, I just feel that my part of this journey was stopped when we decided to reconcile". She says she needs to know this in order to move forward. I said "you may never know and may just need to take a leap of faith". Hmmmm.
The weird thing is that she has really "backed off" herself. I hope to gain some insight on why that might be, from my coaching call tomorrow. One-word emails. Non-committal phone convos. Back to answering only 50% of my emails.
It's like she is super-acutely aware of not leading me on. But she has already told me she wants to reconcile. Maybe she is rethinking it. Who knows?
But she told me last night that she really has enjoyed the intimate time we have spent together the past few weeks. The feelings were there, and she is convinced my changes are real, and that both of us have "woken up". So, rethinking reconciliation wouldn't seem to makes sense.
casnt wait to see how the coaching goes for ya. i whish i could use it but with my W moving out cant afford it. im thinking of working extra overtime. MM your sich is a real eye opener. even thought its a real POSITIVE sich theres still the roller coaster.
Your gonna be OK Mink. It seems to me like things are moving real fast for ya. Do you thing maybe you could slow it down so she misses you a little more. You guys are going to be OK. Your in a good spot. Me , I am starting to think there is no hope and I feel like I am running out of steam. She is just nasty. Coach Jody says that this means she is still interested in me and not done with me yet. She just said something to me that led me to believe that my Galing is starting to interest her. A few times I just up and went out and didn't return for a while. That bugged her.
Thanks Tree. I am doing my darndest to slow things down, even though it goes against my every instinct.
For instance, she called me as I was leaving work (you will recall I dropped my cell phone in the river yesterday).
MM: "Hello?" W: "Oh, so you have a new phone now!" MM: "Yeah, I just got it about 15 minutes ago" W: "Oh, well that's good, so you're connected again" MM: "Yep...so, you on your way home now?" W: "Yeah, I'm on the bus" MM: "OK, well, talk to you later. Stay in touch" W: "OK bye"
I stayed cool and I ended the conversation, both straight out of DR.
Also, I am sitting here right now on my laptop. I have Windows Messenger "up" right now. I see she is signed in. The only 2 people she talks to on Messenger is myself and our son. I see he is not signed in, so she is leaving it running for what...to see if I give in and message her? That would be my usual pattern. but I won't.
I did the same thing on Sunday, and after about an hour, I heard *ding* I looked over and it was her, texting "good morning". I jumped in and we had a nice online convo.
This is a mild 180 for me, kinda taking baby steps myself. I can not pursue or chase her. She has told me, in plain English, that she doesn't want me to right now, that she feels freaked out and smothered, so that one is easy to figure out.
I'll let you guys know if there are any changes or updates...I'm sure it will help somebody.
