Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[seekpeaceofmind]

I'm sorry that you've been having a tough time. . . .

I start feeling more detached and I get scared and then I realize that my H is more detached than ever and seems NOT to yo-yo back to me at all.

I think the key is to welcome the detachment as a necessary part of the process for both of you - I don't have a great analogy here. . .
I've been reading the Eckhart Tolle book "A New Earth". Here's a quote from it:
"Whatever you fight, you strengthen, and what you resist, persists."

[newnamenewlife]

Well, I completely and totally blew it. H sat me down and mentioned that he found an apt to sublet and did I want us to take turns staying there a few nights a week?

I was shocked, completely and totally shocked. Even though we've been talking about this for months, I really didn't think we were anywhere near separating, esp since he has no job and where are we going to get the money??

I started hysterically SOBBING, threw the love letters he's written me at him, told him he was an a-hole. TOTALLY LOST IT. Sobbed and sobbed. I have been crying like a baby for 2 hours straight. He kept completely composed the whole time, talking to me like I was a child having a tantrum (which I felt like.) He's sorry it turned out this way, he's been unhappy for several years, feelings change, people change, relationships change. He's amazed that I see our R so differently from him.

Then he thinks that we're both going to take turns sleeping in another apt, so the kids don't have to change houses. !!!! I said, no way, if he wants to leave our M, he has to be the one to live elsewhere and he has to tell them that this is what he wants. He said we have to do what is best for the kids and I said (again) that's what's BEST for the kids is to show them that you try to make a M work, you don't just leave. He's tried and tried for years, he said, and I always shut him down and he can't do it anymore.

Anyway, I now feel like any chance I had has been shot to hell. I shouldn't have been surprised, I know, but I really was. I thought this was a long way away, if only because of our financial situation.

As much as I want to DB and cooperate, I am sick with pain right now. I can't picture telling our kids, I just don't want this to happen. I know he will not come back once he leaves, I can tell from the way he talks that he really has been unhappy for years. Maybe I have been terrible and squelched him the way he says I have.

I told him to sleep on the couch and that is where he is. I am sobbing, just soaking my pillows. I feel so alone and abandoned.

[newnamenewlife]

Well, I completely and totally blew it. H sat me down and mentioned that he found an apt to sublet and did I want us to take turns staying there a few nights a week?

I was shocked, completely and totally shocked. Even though we've been talking about this for months, I really didn't think we were anywhere near separating, esp since he has no job and where are we going to get the money??

I started hysterically SOBBING, threw the love letters he's written me at him, told him he was an a-hole. TOTALLY LOST IT. Sobbed and sobbed. I have been crying like a baby for 2 hours straight. He kept completely composed the whole time, talking to me like I was a child having a tantrum (which I felt like.) He's sorry it turned out this way, he's been unhappy for several years, feelings change, people change, relationships change. He's amazed that I see our R so differently from him.

Then he thinks that we're both going to take turns sleeping in another apt, so the kids don't have to change houses. !!!! I said, no way, if he wants to leave our M, he has to be the one to live elsewhere and he has to tell them that this is what he wants. He said we have to do what is best for the kids and I said (again) that's what's BEST for the kids is to show them that you try to make a M work, you don't just leave. He's tried and tried for years, he said, and I always shut him down and he can't do it anymore.

Anyway, I now feel like any chance I had has been shot to hell. I shouldn't have been surprised, I know, but I really was. I thought this was a long way away, if only because of our financial situation.

As much as I want to DB and cooperate, I am sick with pain right now. I can't picture telling our kids, I just don't want this to happen. I know he will not come back once he leaves, I can tell from the way he talks that he really has been unhappy for years. Maybe I have been terrible and squelched him the way he says I have.

I told him to sleep on the couch and that is where he is. I am sobbing, just soaking my pillows. I feel so alone and abandoned.

[cw68]

LMG, I so know how you feel; I've been in your exact shoes. The pain is horrible and I wish I could do something to ease it right now.

My husband said the same thing about sharing an apartment and I was like, "No way. You want this, you get this." But then I thought about the kids and had to choose what was easiest on them. Since my husband said that there was a chance at reconciliation (however slim) I figure if we do get back together then we've spared them from having to live in two houses and if we don't then the changes will be more gradual for them. It is definitely hardest on me and H gets the best deal of all.

One benefit of sharing the apartment was that we were able to rent a smaller, cheaper apartment.

That said, as much as being told he had to move out killed me, I realized that this is our only chance at getting back together. Between bomb and him moving out, we weren't working on making our relationship better. We were just fighting to keep him from walking out the door that he already had one foot in. H is better with the space and he is able to see the hugeness of the situation.

I made him tell the kids that it was his decision to move out. I did not want them to think that any fiber of my being was OK with this. Yet we remain very dedicated parents together. Half of me hates him and doesn't understand how he could do this to his kids and then the other half kicks in and realizes how much pain he must be in if he could do this to his kids.

I hate it. I can't say that it still doesn't hurt, but it does get easier to deal with.

It is easier to DB with him not living here. I can turn on and wait to give into my emotions when he's not around.

You're in my thoughts. I was just where you were and wish you everything.

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks CW. At least your H says there's a chance at reconciling. Mine seems 100 percent certain that this is the only way.
He criticized me as a mother, said I never asked about his work (UNTRUE!!!), think only of myself, etc.

I am just reeling in agony. Despite our problems, we have always had fun and laughter and been great friends. Is there ANY relationship that doesn't get screwed up in some way, develop some bad dynamics over the course of 20 years??

Then the thought of not seeing my kids every day. I want to see them every day. But H wants 50/50 custody.

One of the things he finds so unpleasant about me are my histrionics, yet there I was, in full hysteria, sobbing and sobbing.

[Purr]

Hi LMG,

I really identify with what you are saying about how any long term relationship is going to have parts which are not perfect. After 20 years, patterns and routines are going to be there--some helpful, some maybe not. But I also find myself looking back over the relationship thinking about how things could or need to be different for my W. and I to go ahead and I feel frustrated--it's true that there are some problems, but overwhelmingly my memories are positive ones of laughter, caring, and love.

Purr

[cw68]

Thanks CW. At least your H says there's a chance at reconciling. Mine seems 100 percent certain that this is the only way.
He criticized me as a mother, said I never asked about his work (UNTRUE!!!), think only of myself, etc.

I am just reeling in agony. Despite our problems, we have always had fun and laughter and been great friends. Is there ANY relationship that doesn't get screwed up in some way, develop some bad dynamics over the course of 20 years??

Then the thought of not seeing my kids every day. I want to see them every day. But H wants 50/50 custody.

One of the things he finds so unpleasant about me are my histrionics, yet there I was, in full hysteria, sobbing and sobbing.

Luckily, I get to see the kids almost every day. Even if it's my H's day, I pick them up from school and stay until dinner time. Then I come back at 8am the next morning since my husband can't wait until 9:30am to go into work after our son's in school.

I can't imagine not seeing them everyday. My H and I still come around a lot even on our "off" days, but I'm trying to make it so that my husband doesn't see them some days. Not to be mean, but he once told me he didn't know if he could be the Dad who didn't see his kids everyday. If we do get divorced, things are going to be so fluid between us and I won't want to see him everyday. He's got to get a taste of that in order to make his decision wisely. (Of course, staying away isn't wise, right?)

And, 10-to-1 down the road you're H will say that he never said these things. My H did that today when we were talking.

[newnamenewlife]

.
That said, as much as being told he had to move out killed me, I realized that this is our only chance at getting back together. Between bomb and him moving out, we weren't working on making our relationship better. We were just fighting to keep him from walking out the door that he already had one foot in. H is better with the space and he is able to see the hugeness of the situation.

I can't imagine my H will ever want to get back together. I've been sobbing my heart out since last night--I can't stop. I have had so much loss in my life already and this just feels like too much to bear. I know my H feels horrible about hurting me so much, and once he goes, that will be it. For my own sanity, I think I will need to close the door. He wants me to get past the pain and move on, too--he is not going to come back. The fact that I will have to talk to him and see him regularly for the kids sake is unbearable too. I wish I could just up and move to Greece or somewhere and start over.

I made him tell the kids that it was his decision to move out. I did not want them to think that any fiber of my being was OK with this.

Did your H agree to this? What did he actually say and were you there? My H will not go along with this and I told him I will try to remain composed and will not trash him, but that this is his desire, not mine, and he will have to take responsibility for it. He keeps saying we need to do what's best for the kids and I keep saying what's best for the kids is for him to give our M a real chance before throwing in the towel.

I emailed him today, asking him to please let me have the kids for more than 50 percent of the week. I really feel that he owes me that.

[newnamenewlife]

Here I am again. Had another talk with H today. No tears on my part, yay.

I told him there is no way I am going to agree to leave our house 3 days a week and go live in a sublet studio apt while he stays at home with the girls--and then he leaves and I stay home. No. So that plan is off the table. I said he could go take the studio, but he said well, there would be nowhere for the girls to stay. I suggested he move in with his parents--but, no, he says that's too far away from the girls.

Here are the facts:
H is unemployed and his severance and benefits run out June 1.
I work part-time freelance, haven't had a "real" job in 12 years
We are already over-extended financially, paying off a renovation
We live in one of the most expensive real-estate markets in the country.

Here is what H wants:
To leave our M but have the kids half the time
To move to an apt nearby which is big enough for the kids to have a room
To not live "dishonestly" which he is doing by staying in our home

Now, unless we win the lottery, I don't see how the @#$%&* we can reconcile the financial realities with H's need to stay true to his F**cking all-important feelings.

Suggestions, anyone?

[cw68]

Tell him that if he really wants to move out, he'll have to get a job. If that job is at McD's, then so be it. Don't let him make your financial situation worse.