Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

Well, I completely and totally blew it. H sat me down and mentioned that he found an apt to sublet and did I want us to take turns staying there a few nights a week?

I was shocked, completely and totally shocked. Even though we've been talking about this for months, I really didn't think we were anywhere near separating, esp since he has no job and where are we going to get the money??

I started hysterically SOBBING, threw the love letters he's written me at him, told him he was an a-hole. TOTALLY LOST IT. Sobbed and sobbed. I have been crying like a baby for 2 hours straight. He kept completely composed the whole time, talking to me like I was a child having a tantrum (which I felt like.) He's sorry it turned out this way, he's been unhappy for several years, feelings change, people change, relationships change. He's amazed that I see our R so differently from him.

Then he thinks that we're both going to take turns sleeping in another apt, so the kids don't have to change houses. !!!! I said, no way, if he wants to leave our M, he has to be the one to live elsewhere and he has to tell them that this is what he wants. He said we have to do what is best for the kids and I said (again) that's what's BEST for the kids is to show them that you try to make a M work, you don't just leave. He's tried and tried for years, he said, and I always shut him down and he can't do it anymore.

Anyway, I now feel like any chance I had has been shot to hell. I shouldn't have been surprised, I know, but I really was. I thought this was a long way away, if only because of our financial situation.

As much as I want to DB and cooperate, I am sick with pain right now. I can't picture telling our kids, I just don't want this to happen. I know he will not come back once he leaves, I can tell from the way he talks that he really has been unhappy for years. Maybe I have been terrible and squelched him the way he says I have.

I told him to sleep on the couch and that is where he is. I am sobbing, just soaking my pillows. I feel so alone and abandoned.