Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Grab a snack - LONG post coming.

Yesterday was quite a day. Had different issues and many emotions to deal with.

H picked the boys up around 1pm. We didn't talk about much as I was in a bit of a hurry to leave for work. He did ask me if I had thought anymore about everything. I again asked him to please just give me the rest of the weekend. He said he would but it was hard for him not to think and ask about it. After that he left.

I went to the bank to make a couple of deposits, then headed over to my parents' house to pick up something of mine before going to work. I was kind of hoping no one would be there because I wasn't exactly in a talkative mood. With the D coming up on Tuesday, I knew it would be on my mother's mind, and if she was there at her house, I had a strong feeling that she was going to want to talk about it.

So I get there, and just my mom was home. Great, that's even worse! If my stepdad would've been home, I might have been able to get away in time . Sometimes he can sense when I don't want to talk about certain things, and while my mom likes to press it, my stepdad will usually cut in and tell her to leave it alone.

Well after saying hello and grabbing what I went there for, I acted like I was in a hurry and had to go. Sure enough, before I could manage the great escape, my mom asked if H had moved in yet. Ugh!

She's my mom. I can't just ignore her or make up excuses to get the he** outta dodge, kwim?

I said no, he hadn't. Not yet. She shook her head with much disdain and said, "Just go through with the D. He's not moving back in. Just get it done."

That's exactly why I was hoping she wasn't home. If there was a way for me to look into the garage to see that her car was there, I would not have gone in. I would've went back another time.

I then told her how I really want to take the time to think about everything. I need to be absolutely sure that whatever I decide, it's going to be the right decision. For me, for the kids, and even for H. It's been extremely difficult to deal with, but I have to get through it, and I have to be 100% sure about my choice.

She was nodding as if to say that she understood, but her facial expression was one of disagreement. Rather, disapproval. Whenever I made a point, she replied with a "Yes, but..." or "I know, but...". That does not help me.

After she seemed to finally realize that I wasn't going to go about this the way she would like, my mom commanded with one finger up, "Ok. But if H moves back in, all I ask is one thing. He is to come here and sit down to have a talk with (stepdad) and me." That's not asking; that's ordering. And WTH??? Is H a child? Does he need a talking to??? Geez.

I had to quite literally bite my tongue; that REALLY irked me. Took me a sec but I calmly said, "Well, Mom, I can tell you right now that's not going to happen, especially if this is how you're going to react to him. With anger." She said no, that she wasn't going to act angry towards him. I said, "But it's present in your voice, and above everything else, it shows on your face." She said well ok. She is angry. She's upset that H has taken so long and he's caused a lot of pain for me and the kids, but she won't act angry towards H. She just wants to tell him that he will have to be a part of this family the same way my BIL's are.

Another order.

I said yes, I know that, and H knows it, too. But it will have to be when HE'S ready. Not when SHE wants it to happen.

Again, she gave me another nod as if she understood, but I know what she was really thinking. I was wrong; She was right.

She let out a disappointed sigh, kind of gave me a hug, and said, "Ok, whatever you decide. We love you and the boys and only want what's best for you and them.....THINK REALLY HARD." Then she pretty much pushed me out the door without saying goodbye.

Got in my car, drove away, and I started to cry. I called one of my sisters to talk about what just happened with me and our mom, but she couldn't really talk (she was busy with her family). She just told me to do whatever I wanted to do; it's my life. She knows that our mom is harder on me than she is with the rest of my sisters, and that's probably because I lived with her while growing up (I have 3 half sisters (but I call them my sisters) - all are from my mom's 1st M - and they remained with their dad when my mom D'ed him. I'm from my mom's 2nd M). She said it's as if Mom wants to maintain control over my life since she couldn't with my sisters.

Well I knew she was busy, so I told my sister thanks and let her go.

I was pretty upset about this. Why couldn't my mom just listen? For once, why couldn't she do that instead of telling me how I should deal with things? All I wanted was support and understanding, but I can't ever seem to get it with my mom. It's like she wants to give me her two cents, and then some, and if I don't see it her way, then I'm wrong.

I was still crying, and I was a mess. At that point, I knew there was no way I was going to go to work looking and feeling the way I did. So I called H and told him I wasn't going to be able to make it to his soccer game on Sunday. He could tell I was upset and asked what was wrong and why not. I told him I just had an unavoidable talk with my mom, but that I didn't really want to go into any details. I told him I was a bit of a wreck, and I was going to spend the rest of the day getting myself together and trying to relax. I would take care of work on Sunday instead. I said I was sorry, but I had too much on my mind and needed to work through it. I really needed some me-time, BIG time.

H said he was disappointed but understood. He asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the day. I said I didn't know. I would probably go back home and take a long hot bath, then maybe go for a mani/pedi. I was due for one, and I needed the stress relief. After that, I would probably do some windowshopping. I really enjoy simple things like that.

H said that sounded really good, and if I wanted, to go ahead and buy myself something nice. A new outfit, some shoes, whatever. Just something nice I wanted to get for myself. I thanked him and told him I really appreciated that. Then we said bye to each other.

About 30 minutes later, one of my other sisters called me. She said, "Hey, what's up?" I told her not much and asked if our other sister had called her. She said yes. I said, "My goodness, how word travels fast!" We both laughed, and she told me our other sister left her a voicemail to call and talk with me. So we did for about 45 minutes, and she said I just needed to do whatever I wanted and not listen to our mom, who should realize that I'm an adult, and this is my life. She shouldn't try to tell me what to do or how to do it.

My sister said it sounds like I want to be sure that I've done everything possible to save my M before going through with the D, and that's what's most important. I agreed. Our mom has dealt with her past R's very differently. If her H didn't do as she wanted or felt he should, then she went right out the door or she was packing his suitcase for him. Everything with our mom seems like it has to be immediately final so she can have her closure.

Anyway.

H called me later in the evening to see how I was doing to which I answered much better! My bath felt so good, and the mani/pedi had worked its magic ! I said I was on my way to the mall. He said cool, then asked, again, if I had thought about everything some more. I asked H, again, to please just let it be. Don't worry; just give me the time I asked for. He said ok, he was sorry.

H called 2 more times last night, but I didn't answer either call. He called me this morning and asked why I didn't call him back. I said he didn't ask for me to call him back; I just thought he was calling to let the kids say goodnight (they left me a voicemail). He then told me about how horrible his night was. He didn't sleep well - had too much on his mind. I said that must have sucked; sorry to hear it. He said he really wished that I would go to his game. Again, I told him I was sorry, I would've liked to have gone, but circumstances changed. I had to take care of work now. He said alright and he would see me around 4:30pm when he brought the kids back home.

So 4:30 comes and they get here. We talked about how their night and day with H went, and the boys said they had lots of fun. After they ran off to play in their rooms, H asked the question again.

So here's what I've decided:

As I discussed with my sister, I want to be absolutely certain that I have done everything I possibly could to save my M. So although I said in my very first post that I didn't want to do this, I am going to ask for a continuance. That will give H approx. 8 weeks to SHOW me he wants this M, and I can handle 8 weeks much better than having to wait another 4 - 6 months if I were to completely stop the D and refile again. I told H that if 4, 5, 6 weeks go by, and still nothing, there will be no more chances. That will be it. (Uh oh, sounding like my mother there! )

H hugged me several times and gave me a little kiss before he left for work. He said I won't regret this and that he is going to start moving his things back in this week. We will see.