Well, I don't know much to say, but knowing me I'll probably end up saying quite a bit (lol). Coming to Piecing does not mean all is well,but it means things are better and both are working at the M.
I feel that I have come through someting in my life that will certainly help me to be more understanding of other WAW's. I stayed in Sex Starved forum, mostly b/c I was pulled over there (lol).....long story, but everyone was so sweet to me.
I think that I have come through the mini-MLC that I had. Good thing it didn't last as long as most b/c I don't have that much time left for a full-blown MLC.....I'm only 60. Yes, I say it proudly....I am 60 years old! Thank God I have been able to live this long.
I am feeling more like my old self and don't have the hang-ups about my age, looks, etc. that I was fretting over. I certainly don't have the desire to flirt with anyone or to go on line and look for somebody to play "the game" with just b/c I may feel lonely or my needs are not being met.
I have suffered, my H has sufferd, and my whole family......b/c I am an important cornerstone to this family and I do not want to see it cumble b/c of me. Don't want to sound like a sarificed lamb here by no means, it's my poor attempt in trying to say that I think I have finally come out of the fog and don't have that horrible feeling of wanting to "run" like I did. You see, there for a while, I was so messed up emotionally, that I was almost ready to turn my back on everything here...including my family, and just start runing. I needed to escape. I thought I would lose my mind if I didn't get away.
But, that has lifted and I have peace once more. Our M is not what is can be and that is what I will need to work on. I think my H's health may be declining and he may not be able to work nearly as much as he did just two years ago. He has tried to hide that from me, but when I finally "looked" at him, I saw it. I am sure last year aged him very much. I know I am to blame for that, but I can't undo what I did, I can only try to make the best of things now.
I'm going to post my first couple of threads here, if anyone wants to read all that junk....lol. Anyway, hope you all will visit me, but I am still going around in the other forums to see if there are any words of experience or wisdom (from age...lol) that I might be able to give.
Be seeing you....I hope.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
well, I like to have not found it. Until it dawned on me what to do...duh! Okay here is the first thread that tells the story enough for you to get the sorted details of how messed up I was and how so many good folks came to my rescue and helped me and helped save my M.
Glad you feel comfortable enough in your marriage now, to post here, Sandi
In the terrible period that you went through, with the online stuff, and wanting attention and an ego-boost... were you unhappy with YOURSELF(and wanting to change yourself)... or were you unhappy with your ENVIRONMENT and companions (so you went to look for new ones)?
It seems like, for some reason, you want to label yourself as having an MLC. Thing is, though... MLCs are about being unhappy with yourself, and wanting to change yourself. Which doesnt seem to fit your situation. Rather, you just wanted to feel better about the way you are.
This may sound like i'm just nitpicking, but i'm not. The difference is important, to both yourself, and others.
To others: because if you describe what you went through as MLC, and tell others it was... they might misdiagnose themselves or someone else that way.
To yourself: because if you call what you went through MLC, then you might think, "well thank goodness that's over! I've had my MLC, i'm done with that!" However... i dont think that is true for you. I think you had a plain ordinary reaction to, "My marriage sucks, I want more for myself". Which is understandable. I think that it's also important to recognize it as "an ordinary reaction, to a bad situation", so that you can recognize that if things degenerate to "a bad situation" again.. you will feel that same way again. If you recognize that you have the capability of going through that again, then I think it is easier to head things off earlier,(both on your end, and his!) with less effort. Rather than think it couldnt happen again, so you arent on guard against it
PS: congratulations on 60
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Congratulations on making it over to piecing, I hope you manage to find the same direction, support and guidance in this section as you've managed to give out in the others.
Originally Posted By: Sandi2 10/05/07 newcomers
This has been a bad week for me but you have certainly been more of the brighter part for me. It warms my heart more than you can imagine to think that I might in some tiny way help a young couple (or even those who aren't so young anymore) to make their M better and not to repeat the years of misery my own M has endudred.
I for one can say I would have never made it over here without your initial support.
I have so wanted to just beat you up. But as brutal as I am.. I just could not.
I feel you would not "hear" what I say. You would take it all wrong and I would hate myself. You have done and said some good things. Some I have agreed with 110%.. Some I just wanted to yell at you. You have lived a life that should have been fulfilling.
I am sorry it was not.
I wish I could help you but I can't. I feel overwhelmed with who you are. I just don't know what to say.
I am gonna turn it on for 2 min. I hope to not scare you away. I feel you have something. Just not quite sure what to do with it.
Please don't stop posting. I am not here to offend. Or distance. I feel like I am sugar coating a piece of coal. But here goes...
Full on FG here!
What changed? You were having an EA online? You came here and talked about what you had done wrong. You were still sitting in front of a screen typing away. Did the guy sitting behind you see the difference? (I am hating myself right now!!) Your family is so important you don't want to be the cause. Does the guy in the "Chair" see it the way you do? Does he feel the same way you do?
He reminds me of the guy sitting in Waffle House. Talking to everyone who will listen.
My question to you is where was he in all this? The MLC. The EA.
He was sitting in the chair.
You have not made enough of a change to "show him the way."
You are still "there". He is ok with that from his chair.
Make him get up. He can push the button that says stand.
DAM'IT woman do something different!!!
Show him you want to be happy. You want to roll out on some 26" rims on the Lincoln. (I understand you will not get that)
Show me who you are. Surprise Me. Show a young buck he has nothing on you!!
Step it up.
Forrest Gump.. Off
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
It is time for me to leave for work, but I will think more about what you and DomR has had to say. Sometimes, I don't know how to answer Dom.
I can understand how frustrated you probably got with me a lot of times. I would get frustrated with myself for not having what I needed to "step it up". I came to Piecing, not b/c so much had changed, but b/c I don't think I need to be in the Sex Starved forum anymore. Everyone has said all they know to say and besides, I am not sure that we will ever have that part of married life anymore. However, if we can learn to be close and happy together, then I need to try to make the best of that. I know that is not what you want to hear, but for now.....for now...I will have to work on that. I have not been "working" as you could tell, but I was just trying to reach a point that I could work. When you feel empty of everything, then you just try to survive to get from day to day. I don't mean to use my health as my excuse for not "working" at the M, but it has effected my job, my church life, my family life, and of course my M life. I am still dealing with a lot of depression and the doctor is still changing around my medicine, which takes a toll on this body of mine. By taking a toll, I mean to the point that I can't even cook dinner for my H at the end of the day. If I go to work, then when I come home I crash. Sometimes, I crash in front of the computer reading the DB Board b/c it helps me to relax and forget about my job.
Anyway, that probably all sounds like a bunch of excuses. When I came over here to Piecing, it was with the intentions of going to work piecing. I did not feel like that was happening in the SSF b/c everything was focused on sex. I want to focus on the other areas of our R and if the sex happens....great, but I feel that my H can no longer perform sexually. Perhaps I will find out.....?
I will have to continue this later. Have to leave for work. Thanks for talking to me. Didn't know you cared....lol.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
What changed? You were having an EA online? You came here and talked about what you had done wrong. You were still sitting in front of a screen typing away. Did the guy sitting behind you see the difference? (I am hating myself right now!!) Your family is so important you don't want to be the cause. Does the guy in the "Chair" see it the way you do? Does he feel the same way you do?
Ok, what changed? Well, first I stopped having an EA! Since my H would not agree to C, I used this board for my therapy. So, yes, I was here a lot. Does he agree with me being "the cause"? I suppose so since he threw it up into my face that God could make one of the grandchildren to suffer b/c of me! Big guilt trip there, don't ya think? So, on that part, I guess he does see it the same way.
For my typing away every night, well, you never know who is snooping....right? Yes, he seems contented to just snooze on the couch or to watch tv like he has for 42 years. He told me himself that he was comfortable before the EA took place. He seems fine now.
You see, what frusted me so much in my posting, especially in the Sex Starved was that I went over and over this same thing about what all I had done over the years, but it is like I am still suppose to make him change and I don't think that is quite fair. I have my share of problems without being handed that responsibility also. What I mean to say is that I have tried everything I know to do in years past and nothing worked, so why do you and some others continue to put the responsibility on me to make him change? I have tried it all, man, nothing worked! Now, I'm old and sick and tired. I almost quit the board b/c I needed encouragement and not handed more responsibility or guilt. Listen, if the "Total Woman" principles from the 1970's didn't work....nothing will. You may not be familiar with it, but it was completely focused on what the W was to do for her H. I think that is when I saw that is was almost hopeless for him to change. I tried until the 80's and I began to wear down. Then in the 90's, I just tried to fill my life with church activities, etc. (I've alread told all this before) About 2 years ago is when I started trying to just play games on line and read at night. I was burned out on TV. As long as I sat in there with him and watch tv.....he's good. He may never say two words to me...but, he's good, he's happy. So, that is what I have tried to do is spend more time wathing tv with him. We kiss good-bye and good-night, and hug, etc. We are kind to each other. No more fights or things like that.
Have to go, will talk later.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
SOOOO glad to hear that you are doing well. Seems like you've found a place where you can understand and work on the difficulties in your M without thinking about OM or getting away. AWESOME!!I know not everything is fixed, but at least it's different, at least you aren't looking to run away, but rather sit down and fix it...
Quote:
I am still going around in the other forums to see if there are any words of experience or wisdom (from age...lol) that I might be able to give.
Thank goodness!
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Thank you Ann, I appreciate that. I think that age/experience has a lot to say....at least that is what I try to convince my grandson who is wanting to get married already! I've tried to tell him that girl he thinks he is in love with now, will not be the same person in a few years, but of course he doesn't listen any more than I did.
I also appreciate the fact that you realize that it has been a battle for me to just be able to put the OM behind me and not go looking for another one or to run away. That has been hard at times. I think I got bogged down and frustrated when I was over in Sex Starved forum b/c I always felt that there were those who just did not understand my stitch and there were some things that I could not tell. As I told Forrest, I feel like I was the one that worked so hard for over 4 decades to make the M work and then I just tuckered out. (That's an old expression, in case you've never heard it...lol.) I know that he, along with others, have told me to "move" and do something, but I'm not sure exactly what it is I'm suppose to do that I have not already tried. I can offer advice to the younger women and try to encourage them and hope things work better for them than it did me.....but to tell you the truth, I've about run out of ideas for my own M. I think if I was able to cook a great meal every night, (like his mother did), and keep house real nice, and have people over a lot (like his family always did), hold down a full time job (like his mother did), and hold down about 15 jobs in the Church (like his mother did not do!),.......let see, is there anything I'm leaving out?.....oh yes, have the grandbabies over here all the time and do all the cooking for my grown children, .........I think he would be pretty happy (even without sex)! But, I am not his mother and don't want to be. I have done all of those things in the past at one time or another, but I'm not able any longer.
I think our R has come a long ways since this time last year! I was ready to run like a scared deer this time last year. It was awful. So, just b/c we aren't having sex doesn't mean things are bad, it just means we aren't having sex. Maybe it means it's bad to the men here. That old expression, "If you don't use it, you'll lose it"? Well, he started losing it a long time ago, so I'm pretty sure he's done now. But, that doesn't mean we can't still have a good R and be happy in life.
Some may think I did not have a MLC....well, I don't know. All I know is that I sure fit the bill, even if I was too old to have one...lol. Glad it didn't last any longer than it did or I think I would have had a nervous breakdown. It makes me understand these women that go through MLC a lot better, let me tell you! I can identify with everything they say.
Well, come back and see me again, Ann. BTW, what you said about working things out without thinking about the OM....that was what was happening over in Sex Starved.....it made me think about OM and I didn't want that. You seem to understand, and that means a lot to me.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
