Today was our last MC appointment with this MC. H moves to Iowa for his job Sunday evening. He is looking for us an MC up there but I am sure it will be at least a month or more since he hasn't even started his job yet. Plus I am down here still so to coordinate an appointment would be hard.
We ended the last MC session last week with the decision we would have to separate since I wanted more and he couldn't/wouldn't give it. MC asked how things were going this week, said there was a clear difference in the "vibe" we were giving off today. I explained in brief how Saturday sucked until H sent me the TMs. How I then felt like I had some insight into his problems. How the sermon at church Sunday was basically meant for us to hear. Told her I am more relaxed as H's opening up gives me reason to want to be patient with our M and not so demanding. She asked H how he felt then, and he said pretty much the same as me!
She asked if he noticed I had been backing off for a couple days and trying to be more patient. He said yes. She asked "How does that make you feel?" Then she apologized for asking "Such a therapy-like question"! Our MC rocks! But H answered, he told MC that when I back off and am patient with him, H feels more relaxed and less defensive.
HE SAID IT OUT LOUD!! I didn't have to guess!
Anyway the major issue she broke down for us was that we have these pre-conceived assumptions about each other that we have built for 15 years. H won't tell me something b/c he is afraid of how I will react. He bases this on how I have reacted "historically" (his word". She said the challenge is to leave history as history.
I told him that I may surprise him w/my reactions now as I am working on patience and understanding his side of things. He actually laughed but not in a mean way, a kind of "sure that'll happen" way. MC said, "Don't laugh, she is really trying and wants you to give her the chance to show you she has grown." He agreed with that. Then she said "You have been sharing more w/her the past few days, and that is a change for you, too". Your challenge going forward will be for H to continue to share things, and W to continue to react w/patience and understanding so H feels safe to share things. Of course there was more than that, we were there for an hour.
But nobody mentioned separation. I am not assuming we won't separate, in fact we are separating Sunday when he moves to Iowa. But that is job-based not marriage based. Once the kids and I are ready to go to Iowa too we will see if he wants us to live together as a family. I know I do. I am not going to bring it up until the situation occurs naturally (we decide it is time to move, whether I get a new job or the house sells or whatever). But as long as we make SLOW and steady progress I am not throwing in the towel. And the good part is he doesn't seem to be, either.
Also, HOORAY! Tonight is the LAST bowling night!! Good riddance!
I am very happy for you. That sounds like a great start. Keep the pressure off. Show him how history is history. I have confidence you can do it. He'll come around. He'd be a fool not to see what he is missing.
I have been keeping up the patience with him bit, but it just isn't helping. I had made demands before (have your cell phone out around me, ML to me, tell me you love me, wear your ring, etc). I haven't pushed any of those agendas for a couple weeks. And things have been so much better. But it seems the less I push the further he is sliding. I rolled over to put my arm around him last night and he literally had the covers tucked under him?? Then later in the night/morning I woke up and tried again, and as I tried to spoon him he said he was "too hot"--it was hot though, but it sucked....
Then today I get home from work and am being my best Chipper Charlie. He is determined to be crabby and pi$$y about the cost of truck repairs he had today. Anything I said was met with anger. But he was nice to the kids and to people he talked to on the phone? I asked why my kindness was met w/such anger and he replied that I should "just stop talking" to him, period. He left 45 min. ago to get some beer and hasn't returned. I don't want him to move and yet I am almost relieved he moves to Iowa Sunday. I just wanted to create some POSITIVE memories of us before he left..........he seems determined to keep that from happening no matter how loving/upbeat I try to be.....
Now we are back to middle ground I think. Not fighting, not madly desperately in love.....
H went to get his beers. Was gone 90 min. I sent a text asking if he was ok. (He does that when I leave so I can "think" without being around him and the kids so I thought it would be ok).
He said he was "Watching Airplanes"--a country song reference if you don't know what that is. A guy is sitting watching airplanes as his W/Girlfriend is taking off, leaving him. He says he is watching airplanes wondering why "You don't love me anymore". Anyway that has been kind of our code word for out just driving and thinking.....
When he came home 20 min later I said, "It is fine for you to watch airplanes, just remember you don't need to wonder why I don't love you anymore bc I still do and always have". Pushy or not, it was the truth so I said it.
Anyway we sat in the TV room and watched "The Girls Next Door" on E! for awhile. Then he went to bed. We actually had "normal" conversation the whole time even though we were on different couches. Much improved from earlier tonight when he was crab-a$$ of the world...... Don't know if it was the beer or the driving that mellowed him but I am good with either at this point.
Anyway going to bed now. He is already in there. No pressure, just going to go to sleep. The only time anything really fun happens is when I leave him alone anyway.............then it is all HIS idea
I forgot to add, earlier tonight he made the comment that most of the guys from work were out having a beer. But he never left to go join them, he ate supper with me and the kids. So crabby or not, I should appreciate the fact that he didn't go out with them again like he has 80% of the Fridays this past year........esp. since it is his last chance as he is moving Sunday.
What a strange few days we have had. H was a crabby a$$ on Friday b/c of repair bills for his truck ($600) that he is trying to sell. Also b/c there is not enough time for him to do everything before he leaves for Iowa.
But after he got back from his "beer run" Friday night, we enjoyed some TV time together. Then I came down and posted before I went to bed. Wish I had waited! I would have had more to share...
Once I got into bed I rolled over to hug him goodnight (a new thing I have been doing for about 5 days, I hug him and sometimes kiss his cheek or mouth goodnight when I come to bed. I don't consider it pursuing b/c I ask for nothing back. Just decided I am not the undecided one so I am not going to hide my feelings anymore. Distant doesn't work for me...)
Anyway I put my arm around his waist and leaned up to kiss him goodnight and he rolled over and gave me a REAL kiss. We have had only "Grandma" kisses in the past 2 months (tight lipped and dry ). Anyway we full-on made out and "played" together. No actual sex but I preferred our playing b/c we were kissing and touching each other which feels more personal to me than sex, at least since I found out about his A anyway.
So yesterday I was in a good mood thanks the good night. We had a couple disagreements as always but handled them in a non-confrontational way and got past them. I went to church last night to usher and he kept working on the bathroom remodel, plus had to go meet a couple who wanted to look at the truck. After church I got a TM: "Pick up some pizza or Chinese and a "Dad and Nate(S5)" movie and meet me at home, I am out getting plumbing tape".
So we got pizza and the original Transformers cartoon movie from 1986, the one my H and I would have remembered. H got home 5 minutes after we did. I thought it was great that even w/all the stuff he had to do, he made time for "family night" before he left. So I told him how happy I was that he took the time...
And over pizza he announced that the couple decided to buy his truck for $500 more than he owes. Which means it almost covered the repair bill too. I am sure that lightened his mood a bit!
Unfortunately I am exhausted from walking around w/this boot on my ankle/foot and being back to work full-time this week. I crashed on the couch before the movie was over. So there was no "LOVE" with my H last night. Oh well. He kissed the kiddies goodbye before he left for Iowa, and when he ran to town to get something he needed he brought me back a fountain pop (soda to most of you) which is one of the "little things" I like for him to do.
When he left I got teary, and he said "I am going to see you later tonight, it's no big deal". I am going to my parents tonight so I can be ready for my interview tomorrow. So we will both be back in Iowa tonight. I am not staying with him simply b/c tomorrow is his first day of the new job and I don't want him up all night with one of the kids crying, etc. Besides my SIL and her two kids (including a 4 week old) will be visiting my MIL for the next 3 days and using the baby cribs and spare bedroom. Poor H is sharing his room with the 22 month old in her crib!
So anyway I didn't plan to see him tonight but he said he probably would, which was nice. I won't initiate, if he wants to see us he will. But YAY! I just have a feeling deep down that things are turning for the better. We will see. Him being in Iowa 5 days a week will give him time away from me to think about his life and what he really wants it to be like.....
BobbiJo, I don't know if you will see this before your interview, but I wanted to wish you good luck. If you had the interivew already, I am sure you awed them.
Thanks guys. The interview went great, I felt I did my very best. It was 1 hour 15 minutes which seems long for a teacher interview. They had about 10 questions for me to answer and we spent 20 minutes on my employment history alone (moving 9 times will do that to you!). But they seemed to take that as a positive, commenting on how I had the advantage of seeing how things were done in several different school districts, and having taught regular ed, special ed, and ESL before...anyway I felt great about it. Didn't see H last night after all. Iowa got a snow/ice storm and the roads were bad so by the time he made it to my MIL's house, the kids and I had left for my parents' house. But he called when he got there to say he made it safely. This a.m. at 6:20 he sent me a good luck TM re. my interview. Felt bad I hadn't sent a TM for his first day on the job.
But sent one at 7:00. Besides the kids and I made him a good luck card on Sunday morning and I had given him a brief note Sunday telling him the things about him that I am proud of (in Church saturday they said men prefer being recognized/respected for their efforts over random mushy ILY stuff that us girls like!). So I think I covered that base.
The interview basically ended w/them saying if they want me I can start next Fall or in April (it is a currently open position), which ever I want. They will let me know within 10 days if I am the one for the job. But the principal walked me out and said "Hopefully we will be talking to you soon." I thought the Hopefully was a good sign....
Anyway H and I will have some thinking to do if I move up there in a month. And I let him know today that I could be there in April, just casually mentioned that part of the interview when he called this evening.
Feeling sad tonight. Even after all the good stuff it is my first night home since he moved out. I know it is for a job, he didn't just pack up and go like he planned to do before, but I really feel like we are Separated now (duh, we are!) and it bums me out. I just hope we wind up in the same home once I go to Iowa. Part of me is afraid we will never live together again............ I won't show him my fear though, at least I will try not to. I don't want to ask him about what happens when I move until I know I am moving. If I don't get the job I will be here at least until the end of May sub-teaching.
Oh well, signing off for tonight. Wish me luck on not letting S5 sleep with me--he loves to do that when H is on a work trip, but that is for one night, not for a month at a time Don't want to start a bad habit.....
