I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your latest post to my thread. You almost made me cry. And you definitely made me laugh!
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I think you are doing the best job by far working on yourself and REALLY dealing with your "issues".
Are you serious?? This has to be one of the nicest compliments anyone has ever given me. I"m really trying to get to the bottom of things... And if you guys see me persisting in a state of delusion, TELL ME. I want to know!!
I think this inspiration to work on myself came pretty early on... when I was reaching Thich Naht Hahn's book Anger, which is really about couples and reconciliation. He wrote:
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Many people ask the question--"what if the other person doesn't want to cooperate, doesn't want to listen?" If the other person doesn't want to listen to you, to talk to you, or to work it out with you right now, then continue to practice and transform yourself so that reconciliation will be possible."
It's funny because AmyC wrote something similar that I printed out:
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...when you put yourself in that gap on behalf of your spouse, God is first going to deal with you. When you have reached a place within yourself where you can truly look at yourself through the eyes of God and ask Him to change YOU, then you'll be getting somewhere. But only if you really, honestly seek the truth.
Even though they are coming from really different traditions... it is like the same thing.
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I know that you hurt and you don't share with us all those sad and heartbreaking details like you do about your muffin making.
Kalni... how did you know? There is a lot of stuff I leave out... mostly because it is so up and down. It seems like "went to yoga class, made some muffins" is probably more interesting and hopeful for others and myself than to do posts like, "crawled back into bed, cried for no reason, went to yoga class, obsessed about R on bike ride home, made some muffins, felt hopeless, fell asleep at 3 am after talking to God out loud for a long time"!!
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You are preparing yourself for the greatest love of all in you life (is it your B or someone else) and you better... start waxing girl because I hear the footsteps on your yard...
Kalni... you are filling my heart with joy. Truly truly. I really hope I can share all this with my B. I understand on an intellectual level that other men exist, but my heart is still all for my B.
I wish I had a yard!!!!! Then I would fill it with vegetable plants and fruit and olive trees!!
OMG Kalni... I haven't waxed since the beginning of OCTOBER!! (last time I saw B). And I GOTTA wax, b/c of my mediteranean heritage!! Maybe I should make an appt before my trip out to San Francisco!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my dream. I had totally forgotten about my long-ago plan to try to break NC in March. That is awesome that you are remembering details from that far back in my thread! I feel very special!! I would never have thought of that without you.
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are you worried at all that there is something that could prevent reconciliation?
Honestly I don't know... that's why I'm asking you guys. I feel like from my POV, his way home to me is smooth and paved and swept clean. But who knows what it looks like from his POV. The last two times he talked to me I was in a total state of utter panic.
There was another B dream a couple weeks ago. In the dream we were taking a shower together (something we did all the time in real life) and I was telling him about some TV show I had seen (this is totally made up b/c I don't watch TV) where they were talking about how hot leonardo di caprio was, but *I* thought *B* was way hotter than leonardo di caprio. In the dream, I had my clothes on even though I was in the shower!
So maybe there is some more excavation/shedding of layers to be done? Or maybe that was just a reflection that my "changes" weren't coming from the right motivation... which I think I have adjusted.
Let me know about the muffins!!! I am excited for you!!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post.... and taking the time to share all of your thoughts!!
I am so glad that you had a funny muffin moment with BF!!! Hooray! Now he can secretly (ie he doesn't know it) be part of our muffin club!
In the beginning, I felt like something might happen in March. And then that kind of evolved into a plan for 4 months of NC ending in march.
(OMG--TODAY I am officially at four months exactly of NC!)
But I am really trying to listen to the Voice... hope that doesn't sound too crazy. I am still planning to wait 2 more months unless I feel a strong indication I should do something different. I want to give him more time and space to possibly make a move towards me.
I really really haven't had any news at all of him. I know where he was living at the time of the bomb, but for all I know, that may have changed. There are a couple people who are my acquaintances and his close friends that I could contact if I wanted to ask around, but word would get right back to him... and I don't feel like that's right.
Am I making any sense??
Congratulations on all the awesome developments with BF today, Ali!
Are you serious? Do not fear, sweet BA... you do have resolve, PMA, and strength. If you feel you do not, that is understandable. But it is there... It might be just a sweet and tender seed, somewhere down inside, but it is there! Our job is to cultivate it, find the seed, water and sunshine. Everyone is so different, everyone's little seeds need different nutrients... but you can do it!!
I definitely didn't feel together when I had super insomnia last night and tried sleeping on my rug at 3 in the morning... I thought I was getting back to a normal sleep pattern but apparently not!! LOL!!!!
thanks for your advice on not sending out feelers to the acquaintences... getting your feedback means a lot!!
